Wednesday, April 2, 2025
Sunday, March 30, 2025
Echoes of Recovery Writing: Turning Points and Mindset Shifts
I would like to say I have had some big mindset shifts lately, but in reality I don't really think I have and that is probably why I'm sitting here on a Tuesday night trying to write to this prompt at 10:20 pm. I don't usually stay up this late, but I find myself here for tonight because I just need a little more time awake and to myself. Time that is just mine. Not time that I'm answering emails or grading or helping students or stressing about a problem with a student at work.
Not one that is Cameron's either. I need to learn how to throw that shit back at hime better, according to family group. He has to take control of his recovery.
In talking to another spouse of an addict and alcoholic tonight, one who is much farther along on her journey than I am, she told me that she told her husband that he makes her feel small and she's not willing to make herself feel small at the expense of their marriage. And I thought that was a really bold move.
Of course, then she said she did that in couple's therapy, and I felt like that was a wise choice to say that with a third party present. It is safer that way.
I have been feeling small around Cameron for years. That was how his alcoholism and alcoholic behavior has affected me. The difference in my mindset here is that I have never said that to his face. I have yelled and whined and screamed and tantrumed that he needs to leave me alone, and I've faught with him over little things, but is this really what is at the root of the issue?
I think the mindset shift comes when we partners and loved ones realize the toll it has taken on our own sense of self and self-esteem or self-worth. Cameron has spent so much time convincing me that I have a problem. I have a problem with cleanliness, housekeeping, and organizaiton. I have a problem with listening and never listen well. I have been listening to this shit for years it has become so ingrained in me that I am not worth the sack of shit you can bury me in. I am not worth the time I give myself to take a shower or comb my hair in the morning.
But the mind has started to shift. I've started to become aware of the way alcohlics manipulate. And Cameron's was so subtle. In fact, it is so subtle that I'm not even sure he knows what he's doing. He hasn't been doing the work I've been doing.
But it's my fault for NOT TELLING HIM.
But if I told him I feel small around him and that's his alcoholic behavoir his response would be "but I can't make you feel anything, you're doing this to yourself."
I wish I had a third party to intervene and listen to the way we treat each other. But I know he's not ready for couple's work. He's five therapy sessions in to a new therapist and refuses to go to AA or do any kind of group work.
The mindset shift now has to become loving myself enough to recognize when he's treating me like garbage.
And to gently remind him that I don't talk to people that talk to me that way.
It's so easy to do on paper.
It's so hard to do in them moment.
The reaction is usually to avoid conflict and leave the room.
Or leave the house and go for a drive.
But that isn't going to help the situation.
The mindset shift has to be to let him know his words hurt and to request that he not speak to me like that.
And to hope that the words "you're just too sensitve" don't get thrown around.
My dad always made sure I was the tough one. He didn't raise a princess.
But the truth is that words hurt, and that is important to recognize.
No one teaches us how to be in a healthly relationship.
There. I'm done for the night. Now I have to try to sleep.
Journaling for some self-care
Living in an alcoholic relationship with a dry drunk is not for the weak, y'all!
I finished prepping for Monday and Tuesday
I spent "family time" with Cameron's mother and sister, with Barry and the kids and a little bit with Megan's partner Josie.
Friday afternoon Cameron told me his mother and her boyfriend were coming over and told me I didn't really have to be there. So I didn't come home until after they left. I set up a cocoon in the back of my car and lay down and had my virtual appaointment with Karri. Karri has been my therapist for some rediculous amount of time like 10 years. Or almost ten years. She always makes me feel better about life.
After that Cameron texted me about bringing home dinner for us and said his parents had already left.
Which relieved me. I didn't want to make small talk but I didn't want to pick up dinner either. We have so much food at home. It felt a little like old alcoholic behavior of past years. So many times five years ago he would ask me to pick up 12 pack of something and I reluctantly said yes because I didn't know or was in denial about how dire the circumstances were.
I asked him what he wanted for dinner and he said it was my choice. But it's never my choice. Wings were on the way home so I stopped there.
By the time I got home there was something wrong with my choice. Too little heat or soggy wings or not enough sides.
He grabbed his portion and went up stairs and I had my portion of dinner and I watched a movie downstairs and by the time the movie was half over I was tired. It was 8:30 on a friday and after being up since 5 I was a mess. I went to bed.
Cameron came in at 11:30 to wake me up from a full slumber to tell me that my sleep machine was making noise and he could hear it from another room.
Told me to do something about it.
Nevermind the fact that he could wear headphones. He could close his door. But it's always my problem.
Woke up Saturday -- before Cameron, he doesn't sleep, but go up and had my tea and finished the movie I started. Took a walk. Read my book. Got some work stuff done.
Cameron wakes up at 12 and demands we go to Home Depot to look at storm doors. Says his mom is paying for them. Whatever. I go with him because I don't want an argument and want to seem agreeable. We grab tacos around the corner for lunch.
He doesn't want to eat there despite me saying I do. We get it to go.
He buys flowers at Home Depot because he wants bees in the yard as pollinators.
We go back home. I have to chaperone prom in Atlanta that night and am meeting a group of teachers for dinner before hand.
I take a nap because I know it's going to be a long night.
I put on a dress and Cameron criticizes it. Tells me I look frumpy and asks if I have a better one.
I say this is comfortable and leave.
I'm early to Atlanta so I browse a nearby bookstore before going to Felinis with my crew.
At dinner I suffer through conversation with teachers that can't turn off work on a Saturday night. I lament having genuine conversations instead of ones where people complain about coworkers I actually connect with.
Mentally make a note to avoid these people at work this week.
We go to prom, it was actually a lovely event, kids have fun, look amazing, and are well behavied for prom.
I come home and the first thing Cameron says is that Miso heard my erratic driving. He heard me pull up and said I was loud pulling in.
It's midnight and I go to sleep.
Mind you, I could have spent the night at my parents becuase they were much closer to the event last night, but I didn't becuase Cameron said he wanted to check out tomoatoes in the morning.
So when I wake up, we go to his sisters and do tomoato shopping.
I said I didn't want a repeat of last year. I didn't want 50 plants sit unused and die before they get planted.
Cameron got so mad. He told me that that was before rehab and he wouldn't do that and not to bring that up.
He told me not to rehash bad situations.
I am ready to resentment process.
He is not.
He is so full of shame.
He is so full of shame and he doesn't realize it.
Cameron's mother told me tonight that she thinks he's doing better from an interaction standpoint, that he was able to talk to her this weekend in a nicer form. She only sees him twice a year. Of course it's going to be performative.
She told me she likes talking to me becuase Cameron is just like his father.
It dawned on me then that this family is steeped in generational alcoholic behavior and they don't realize it.
She is SO USED to being put down by her husband before he died and by her son, and even by her daughter, who is mean as a snake.
It saddens me even further after what I know about generational trauma.
I want Cameron to embrace recovery.
I want him to be nicer.
He is just not capable of it.
And even today with the comment about food and snapping at me and saying "this is just what people talk about"
Which is another form of "you're the one with the problem."
He said it had nothing to do with me.
Another version of you're too sensitive.
So no, I won't bring up bigger issues.
I won't bring up how he makes me feel small.
He's not ready.
But I'm ready to walk away.
Quietly.
I'm ready for my self-worth to not be attacked anymore.
Friday, March 28, 2025
Aimee Carty- Child Again (Official Lyric Video)
Saturday, March 22, 2025
750 words repost
THE DAY'S WORDS
I only have eight more TPS (ok, EL-TPCs reports to lock and I am so proud of myself.
I sat on these for months becuase they are so tedious. But now that EOCs are near and I have to do them, I will do them but I will complain about them every step of hte way. Ugh.
I'm so glad they are almost done.
They just suck. There is no way to make this task fun.
No way.
I'm at a bar, listening to Matt and Sherri on Youtube. And that's the irony.
It is how I relax.
They are talking about intamacy.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EaJ25Ao5J5E
Matt published an article titled, "Her Touch," on SoberandUnashamed.com. The article exposes a new aspect of sex and intimacy that Sheri and Matt have never discussed, and Matt is super anxious about it. Anxiety is a universal expression of fear, and we are not immune even after years of vulnerability.
He said he was upset that no one commented, but it was it was a touchy subject so naturally I'm going to read it and comment.
https://mattsalis.medium.com/her-touch-sober-and-unashamed-96cd2ae5dd6f
My comment to him:
I'm sorry you didn't get much engagement from your touch article. It is a very delicate subject, but I read it and it did resonate with me. Thank you for being your authentic self once again and showing that it is possible to be authentic and connection-driven without substance use. It's a phenomenon that my loved one still hasn't clung to but that which I crave and have had to cling to in other areas of my life.
Good things:
Esra telling me that my class in 6th period was the first class she was authentically able to speak English in all day. (How sad for, her, but yay I'm doing something right, right?!)
Aaron writing his reading reflection telling me that he didn't read but he did look up cures for his sprained wrist and how worried his is about it that he can't play baseball this season. It's not good he hurt his wrist. It is good that he is OK communicating this with me in writing in English.
Mauricio checking out another animal book at the library.
Pixar movie shorts with 11th/12th Grade. We should all watch Pixar shorts.
Renee Westlake. Seriously. Breath of fresh air. She believes in all of us and loves her job. Loves all of our jobs. I love all of my interactions with this woman.
Ms. Krishna. I told her my students think of her as mom and this overjoyed her. She is also the second person in school I opened up to about Cameron's addiction. And I didn't mean to. She was sitting on my TPS reports and I felt bad for outing her. I had to open up with humanity first. She felt bad and opened up about being overwhelmed. It seemed appropriate. She mentioned not communicating with her husband. Not knowing what 10am looks life in real life becuase where are we all at 10am. She mentioned not living life. Being here until 4, going home, grading and planning, coming back and repeating the cycle. She hit me in MY feels. She mentioned not seeing her husband. I mentioned the same. I mentioned not WANTING to see my partner. Not feeling seen. She said she loved her husband. I said I didn't like my partner. She said she loved her husband but he made her feel like a child. She actually said he told her he wasn't her father and she needs to grow up. I wondered about that for a second and thought about everything I talked about in therapy and family group. I said my partner was in addiction and mental health treatment. She said I just needed to love him more. What? That is what you are not supposed to say. I said I was doing my work and he was doing his. I said I couldn't love him sober. She agreed. And then her kids started coming in for after school tutoring and she started introducing them to me one by one. She cares. She's one of the good ones. But we are both lacking so much connection it isn't funny. She needs to be back in India. I need to fly out of the country so bad.
Going the alternative route today. Throwing out my plans. Going to check out books and read them. Going on a scavenger hunt to find red and blue things and take pictures of them around the school. Authentic conversations.
Emily Gibson walking into my room 5th and seeing my and her students hanging out an eating lunch. Maybe she will see how I connect. I know she so desperately wants to connect. And I want her to. But she's so young and she wants to so badly connect with our kids but also wants to play the authority card. And there's a way to play both. And I'm so glad she stopped by today. She needs to experience adult converation and I need to experience connection with her. Maybe I am doing her a favor. Maybe I'm doing my students a favor by connecting with her. I gave her my personal phone number! She is so academic right now and not real people focused. I think it's good for people like Ambar and Sofiia to see that I can have conversations with people I don't really get along with...
Alcoholism in Movies, Musicals, and Media
I should start a video series but this would be my first one.
https://youtu.be/DMS18ShVrZw?si=IuSbzvTlx1cQL8vv
For sure.
I hated the sod for thirty three year,
we should never have married of that i'm quite clear,
he spent the housekeeping money on whiskey and beer and never lifted a finger.
times were hard,but the slime rolled back pissed,
so we'd fight and he'd swing and he rarely missed,
so i clobbered the sod when he couldn't resist, asleep you can't lift a finger,
but we'd go dancing, and he'd hold me tight,
he was air, he was water, he was breath, he was light,
and he would hold me there with all his might and it was bliss for an hour or so,
but then they called time to go, and in the morning we were sober.
oh he'd drink and he'd talk just like a fool,
lie like a bairn, snore like a mule,
rarely was sober pretty much was the rule and he never lifted a finger,
i suppose times were hard,things were different then,
women were women and men, they were men,
seventeen, that was it,your life ended when you had a ring around your finger
but we'd go dancing, he was my own brando,
and for a moment there my heart was aglow,
we had dust on our hair and nowhere to go,
but we were free for an hour or three,
from the people we had to be,
but in the morning, we were sober,
but if i went through my time again oh i'd do without the help of men,
well at least your grandad but then again you know best not to linger,
what is the use of dreaming now,
i had my chance well anyhow,
if i'd only know then what i know now,
i'd have given them all the finger.
and gone dancing,
and not give a shit,
spin around and reel and love every bit,
and i'd dance alone and enjoy it, andi'd be me for and entire life,
instead of somebody's wife,
and i never would be sober.
Last Update: June, 10th 2013
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Friday, March 7, 2025
The best laid plans...
We all have plans - plans for ourselves, plans for our families, plans for our careers, and plans for our most important relationships. The funny thing about plans is that in order to ensure their fulfillment we need a level of control that humans just don't possess. So maybe more important than having plans is having the acceptance and inner peace to be OK regardless of the outcomes of life.
Please write about a situation that has not turned out as you planned. You don't have to write about the glaring, obvious situation, but you can. And you don't have to write about your acceptance of outcomes in the past tense like you have always had everything figured out. You can write about how you are learning to accept outcomes in the present and future.
The best laid plans often go awry very quickly in alcoholic relationships.
I didn't even know I was in an alcoholic relationship until it was too late.
I had such plans of teaching abroad after my MA Applied Linguistics degree.
I had such plans of NOT teaching with the public school system of GA. Any public school system in the United States. At the time, I was going with the knowledge that C had supported us through my Master's degree and I wanted to support his wishes. His wishes were NOT traveling. But he kept telling me I could teach wherever I wanted to. And I wanted to go abroad but I didn't want to disappoint him. So I applied to be a substitute teacher with the local school district. And then I got hired at the local charter school. And talk about not going as planned. I hated every moment of that year. But my fifth graders that year are my seniors in high school this year and I don't feel any different about teaching public school. It's soul-sucking. I didn't listen to my gut then and I'm not listening to my gut now.
But I am closer to knowing what I want.
And I want out of this country.
I don't know where, but I know I want out.