Expo Fights And 14er Friction
You went to the Southern Fried Gaming Expo hoping for shared fun, but instead found yourself bristling at Cameron’s rushing, criticism, and total resistance to the creator conversations you love. The 14ers demo became the day’s clearest snapshot: you felt pulled between wanting connection, wanting your own voice, and realizing how much of yourself you’ve been shrinking to keep the peace.
I’m writing today mostly because I’m bothered by another failed attempt at quality time in my relationship. We go to the Southern Fried Gaming Expo every year.
We have for the last three years at least. There is typically enough there for both of us and we both end up having a good time. Pinball machines, tabletop game demonstrations from new creators (for me), artists, crafters, booths of creative people, and video game sales and booths, giant expo halls with retro games, pinball machines, retro computer equipment, etc for him.
We planned to spend a day there. The conference goes on all weekend but who has time for that?
We typically have very different ideas of what makes a good gaming conference. I know I like to walk around and talk to creators and chat with them about their ideas and how they came up with the idea for their game. I generally get to know them and try out their game. Cameron wants no part of talking but used to enjoy listening to my banter with vendors. He would prefer to look at games for sale and live his own quiet life alone. Not sure why he had to bring me or hang around me the whole time. We are grown ups and he could have gone his separate way but he chose to stick by me, maybe because we had agreed to do this together and spend quality time together. Maybe because he wanted to know what I was up to at all times. I will never know.
We started with the registration line. He was annoyed because it was long. What does he expect? We got there at a luxurious 11am because we didn’t buy the weekend pass and day passes weren’t available online. It appears to be moving quickly but he wants no part of the conversation so I turn the couple behind us and start a conversation. When there’s a lull behind me he pulls me to him and whispers that I should be careful who I start a conversation with here because not everyone likes to bathe and most are on the spectrum. What the fuck?? We are here too. We are not superior to anyone here. We are all just here sharing a cool hobby and that makes us equals. You are not superior because you are here with a “girlfriend” and happen to bathe and brush your teeth daily. Already annoyed but determined to move on in a positive attitude I focus on the line in front of us. It is moving. I noticed the “Free Mom Hugs” booth and commented to him on that. No response. I love the Free mom hugs booth. See below.
When we finally buy tickets and a tshirt (our tradition) we are free to wander around but he seems hesitant. We go around the circle and find a new game with dice and a grid called Squabble Squares. New from North Carolina and the guys teach us how to play. Very friendly vendor/creator, doesn’t pressure us into buying anything but does demo the game with us and teach us rules so we play around. Cameron joins in, we have a good time.
https://www.squabblesquaresgame.com/
He does eventually give us a sales pitch, afterall that’s why he’s here, but we decline politely and say we will come back after walking around a bit. I’m interested and think it would be a fun dinner party game for when we don’t invite guests over. I’m overwhelmed with thoughts of why we don’t have friends and I would like more friends to do social nights/game nights with and Cameron will never go for that but put those thoughts out of my mind and move on.
More booths, more games. Mostly just looking. Then I stumble upon something that catches my eye.
It’s a creator with a National Park Card game and another game called 14ers. About 14,000 feet peaks. Having just been in Colorado, I stop and hear the guy’s story. He did in fact create the game for his hiking enthusiast wife. It’s a turn-based card game where you take cards with the Colorado 14ers on them and try to earn points by “training” and “Getting gear” with dice and cards and strategy. Very clever.
Cameron likes other strategy games like this, so I start asking questions and get into this great conversation about Colorado and how pretty it is and knowing he’s there to sell the game, Cameron looks in patient and not into this convo. I’m super excited but managing expectations from all. He says he’s doing a demo of the game at 2. It’s almost 12 now so we agree to come back. It’s a visually gorgeous game. Someone has some artistic talent and passion. He spent a lot of time researching the peaks. It would be cool to play with hiking enthusiast friends. I enjoy supporting creative minds and kickstarter projects. Cameron looks like he wants to participate in the convo but has nothing to contribute. We walk on.
We stumble past game demos in progress and I stop to watch. I get invited and join a few, but Cameron never seems interested enough to sit down. He likes games, he tells me later he doesn’t want to be “trapped” in a game where he can’t get away if he wants to. He was anxious to see everything we came to see and still seemed like he was in a hurry. I have a different attitude and just want to talk to as many people and experience the humanity and community that is here. He’s annoyed that I want to play every game available. Still we are doing a good job of compromising, he is letting me play a few and I’m giving in to him wanting to move as fast as possible.
I should say at this point that we have a game we demoed last year and we both enjoyed and we haven’t played it ONCE all year. Partially because it’s multiplayer and doesn't invite friends over and partially because he’s too impatient to sit down with me and learn the rules. Part of this conference for me is a chance to meet people and make contacts for future gaming. I don’t think he realizes that and I do keep bringing it up nicely to him while we are walking but he doesn’t seem to agree with me and wants to keep walking and just looking at stuff superficially, not going deep enough to learn anything or make any deep connections.
Here’s the role playing game we own and did a past demo on last year:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09K92WF41?lv=shuf&channelId=500&plpRedirect=mhFallback
Fun little western movie role playing game. Would be fun in a larger group.
We were invited to play again this year but Cameron declined. I kind of wanted to play – but could see that he was annoyed.
Live in the moment.
Make connections.
That’s not how he works yet. Or ever.
I can feel the resentment builing but am trying to stay positive, we move to the the next room. This room is entirely his room. It’s the pinball/arcade games/retro computer giant exhibit hall.
It’s noisy. But it’s a cacophony of noise that Cameron says he’s able to drown out. Because it doesn’t require conversation or deep connection. There’s a constant hum of noise that if you’re playing one specific game or focusing on one vendor booth you can drown out but people aren’t talking to each other. It’s also the most popular place in the convention. It’s my least favorite room here but I go along with it. The retro booth is interesting. There are old commodores and apple computers from the 70s/80s and they are cool to read about. We do spend time going through the history of technology. Taking pictures. I’ll post them at the end.
We spent an hour there. Cameron mostly looks at old video game sellers and is independent. I strike up conversations with people with 14 pinball machines in their basement looking to acquire the Harry Potter ones. I learned that Pinball machines (these) cost $2000 and mostly more than that. What? Ok then. The wife of this couple rolls her eyes and tells me that she’s instructed her daughter that when they die she will sell them and by herself a new car. The husband rolls his eyes at her. I find myself wondering about their relationship. Cameron’s playing pinball in front of me. I can barely hear them but that's all I get from them and the only convo I have in this giant conference hall.
I find a dance dance revolution machine and play that with Cameron watching and we find a guitar hero machine and we both play a round of that. That’s pretty fun. Harder than it looks, but fun. Cameron tells me everything I did wrong in the game and then tells me he used to be awesome at Guitar Hero. That’s the only convo we have there. I take a picture with the cute robot when it comes into our area. He is still shopping for video games he will likely never play. I find an old disney machine that molds wax and smells awful and get into a convo with people around that. I make Mickey. Pictures to come. He is nowhere to be found. Fine. After about an hour in that room it’s getting close to the time of that 14er demo so I find him and tell him I want to go to that and he doesn’t have to come with me but he chooses to follow me there.
We sit down and immediately he says he only wants to watch. So it’s me and another guy and the creator telling the rules. He explains the rules and lays out the game play. I’m asking questions as we go. It’s a genuinely fun game and I’m enjoying the rules. Cameron is sitting next to me telling me that I made the wrong decision in front of both the other player and the creator and I should have gone with this card. I tell him nicely that he should have played the game instead of telling me what to do. I’m starting to find my truth speaking serum. I am wearing my purple beaded bracelet from Avia and Nikki after all. He is defensive and embarrassed and says he doesn’t want to play and the creator says that we are playing as a team to make himself more comfortable. I’m immediately embarrassed for us and him that he had to witness that and make a mental note to behave better. I am still annoyed as fuck that he didn’t want to play his own hand and only wanted to criticize my decisions.
We get through the game and to the sales pitch. The game is only $20. I think it would be a fun game to have on the shelf and a talking piece for hiking people. I am interested in Colorado and hiking. I say this out loud. I comment on the beautiful artwork. Cameron is not ok with this. He gets up and says we will head over to the booth and buy it there. He wants nothing of this small talk with the creator. I’m trying to build friendships here. I follow him over and before we get to the booth he pulls me aside privately and says that was the most confusing game ever and he didn’t understand the rules or scoring. I said well then why didn’t you ask as we went. He said he didn’t want to sound like a jerk. I didn’t think it was that confusing, it was a first run through and we would learn. I can tell he doesn’t want me to purchase this game. He makes sure it's a me purchase and not a purchase, but when we get to the booth and I’m contemplating the sales person there says he doesn’t have a card reader (it’s with the demo guy we just left) and I don’t have cash so I walk away. I am visibly pissed and Cameron knows it. He feels bad. I don’t want to talk about it so I say nothing. I walk around the demo area looking at what everyone else is playing but he’s now saying he has a headache and is feeling tired. It is time for his narcolepsy daily nap so we head home. I know Cameron is upset. I say that I’m sorry for not voicing my truth earlier. We didn’t plan this out well enough we never do.
I always want to stay for the demos and he always wants to leave. He doesn’t want to be roped into a game if he doesn’t like the people we are playing with. I said that’s fine he can do his thing. He says that defeats the point if we do this together. I don’t say anything because we are in the car and I don’t want to fight in the car.
I do finally get the courage to voice my truth and say when we get home that I value community and want to make friends and I don’t think he values that and is too shy to take a risk. I say that making friends and living a life I want to live requires risk taking. It shuts him up for a few minutes. I ask why he doesn’t bring his medicine so that we don’t have to leave at 4. He says it's a controlled substance and doesn’t want to get pulled over with it on him in an unmarked container. He has a pill case. Lots of people have a pill case. It’s an excuse for needing to leave early. When he was a drinker, leaving early was the only thing he did to be able to drink the way he wanted to. I got used to doing my only thing. I see this as just a behavior set in the same roots. He does not. It’s a valuable thing. I just want different things out of life than he does. He’s starting to realize that and it upsets both of us.
We go on for a while and agree that if we do this next year we should probably get a room in the hotel so that I can do my thing and he can go to sleep when he’s tired. He said that’s a good idea and he’s thought of that too.
We were going to get dinner but he nixed it because he didn't like the outside look of the restaurant. We found ice cream instead. I said I want ice cream and we get that but then asked me what I really wanted to do because he was confused and knows that I don't always say what I want. I said again I really want ice cream because I don't mess around with that.
I will back the 14er game on kickstarter. He doesn’t have to know about it.
Anyway, this is long and I’m exhausted. Drinking takes a toll on relationships that aren’t about drinking anymore. There is more I can say but I thought this would give you more of an idea about our lives together. We want to do shit together. I also want to be my own person. I am my own person. I can’t be who I want to be around him in these situations. It saddens me. I’m not ready to leave yet. I’m not ready to stay and lose myself either. I do know I’ve spent way too much time losing myself and chipping away at parts of myself that I like too much.
I also know that I start school in less than 24 hours and I’m mortified for all that entails. I am not ready for the year. I am not excited for what the year represents. I am exhausted.
We have to go to see the Odyssey with my parents this afternoon. I agreed to that and so did he. It is the first time we will be out with them as a couple since he stopped drinking. I opted for a movie instead of dinner because of the low interaction feature. I do not want to go and sit in a movie for three hours today. I would rather have the alone time or the movement time.
Wish us luck.
I commend you for making it to the bottom of this.
It’s a doozy.
Feedback in all forms is welcome and encouraged.
Be kind and direct. If there is such a thing.
Am I wasting my time?
Can I learn to love myself well enough to make this work?
