Echoes May 6 2026

 The writing prompt for next Wednesday's sessions is: Please tell a story that explains the transition from solid ground to walking on eggshells.

I feel like we talk about nervous system activation, or walking on eggshells, like all humans know what that means. For this prompt, please tell a story or stories that explains, in detail, what that transition is like to go from a regulated, calm nervous system, to suddenly feeling the need to so carefully choose your words or actions to prevent blow back, criticism, emotional abuse, or other forms of trauma. Go slow when telling your story. Please try to be really biologically and cognitively descriptive. Does your pulse quicken? Does your breathing change? Are you hyper-sensitive in any way? Do you want to flee? Please use a real story to express what that transition is like for you. 

     I’m so angry right now, and I do think it’s because I went from solid ground to walking on eggshells in a matter of minutes. I seem to be doing this a lot lately and it sucks. They say in recovery the partner of an alcoholic doesn't reach their full anger cycle until years after the drinker does their work. That’s where I am, I do believe. It’s been a few years now and I am angry as ever but will never show it due to some fear of blowback, fear of what will happen when I let my eldest daughter freak flag fly. First, some background. I was planning on attending a Japanese Children’s Day event this Sunday, May 3rd. It’s been in the works for months and it happens at the same time every year. My best friend and her husband plan it as a fundraising effort for their children’s school. They attend a dual language immersion Japanese/English school and love it. I’ve been before, mostly by myself in support of them and have the best time. This event is everything that lines up with my values. 

     I haven’t been taught about values until my recovery work started, but now I see that I am happiest when I do things in my recreational time that are inline with my values. I have become so used to doing things in my recreational time that are on my own that it's a habit, I start walking on eggshells when Cameron wants in on my plans and I dance around feelings and emotions. Last weekend I even told him about the festival and asked him if wanted to be included. He said he would let me know. He didn’t say anything else and I assumed that meant I would be going alone, which was fine by me. We didn’t talk about it all week. I let Maria know I was planning on coming to the festival this Sunday and we got excited about it. 

     Except now, fast forward to Thursday. I get a text that was sent to both Cameron and I from his sister. She has rented out an entire movie theater for her son’s ninth birthday party. He is inviting some friends to watch the Mario movie. She invited Cameron and I to join the party. 

     First of all, I’m going to sound extremely judgemental here. Who at nine years old has enough friends that renting out an entire movie theater is a good deal? Is that a thing we are doing now when raising our kids? As a non-parent, I need to know. It seems a little entitled to me. My brother had a birthday party back in the day where he invited five friends to see the movie Twister. We sat in a theater with everyone else and they had a great time. Why are are teaching our kids that we need places to ourself to have time? Why can’t he do something outside on what is going to be a beautiful day? I may just be bitter that this is interfering with my plans and I’m too scared to tell Cameron that because of said eggshells. 

     Before sobriety, when he was actively addicted to alcohol, he never would have been interested in joining a party of nine year olds and his sister for an afternoon at the movies. I got so used to doing my own thing. Now, after I sent a text to the group chat about having plans with the festival, he told me last night in person that he would really like me to skip the festival and go to the movie theater with them. That’s all he said. Then he walked out of the room. 

I said as he was walking out of the room that it’s going to be a lovely day and I don’t wish to spend it in the dark. That is what aligns with my values. I didn’t say he could always go to the party alone. He is more interested in Mario. He is the one that needs to rebuild the relationship and time lost with his sister and nephew and niece. Why do I have to be involved? My shoulders were tense. My jaw was tense. I wouldn’t have recognized these symptoms in myself two years ago. Tonight though, I feel them all. I want to run away. Instead, I freeze and I return to my audiobook and my ink tracing. I disassociate and tune out the world. Except I can’t tune out. I’m ruminating. My head is filling with thoughts. I do the next best thing. I text my best friend, and I text my Echoes friend Hammer. Now my breathing is quicker than it needs to be. I have lost track of what’s going on in my audiobook so I shut it down. 

Here’s the text thread that ensued: 

Me: Is this what parents are doing now? (Included a screen shot of the movie theater invite from my SIL) Am I wrong for thinking this is weird??? AND it’s Sunday and Cameron is gonna want me to go and I want to go to children’s day and I told him that. DAMN IT. 

Maria: Bahahahaha Noooooooo (this is how we usually communicate. We are both teachers and it’s April and testing season. We are mentally done.) 

Maria: A movie theater rental is not normal. Also, we don’t know that many ppl to make it worth it. 

Maria: We did it once as a PTO fundraiser but that was also serving an Asian school that loves Sonic. 

Me: Thank you for validating that. Ah. For a school event I guess that makes sense. 

Maria: Tell Cameron he can go. 

Me: that’s what I plan to do. I think. 

Maria: WoooooooooooHoooooooooooo DAMN. THE. MAN. 

Maria: Give the kid a voucher for food or snacks for the movie 

Me: He doesn’t need one. They are loaded and she said no gifts. I’m supposed to buy him a box of pasta because that’s all he’s eating at the moment. Damn it he just said he wants me to go to the movie. Shit we are going to fight about this aren’t we. 

Maria: GIRL. Just let him know. NO is a full sentence. 

Me: I know. But I have guilt from years of high functioning alcoholism and relationship dysfunction. It’s complicated. 

Maria: I know. I support whatever decision you make. 

Me: I’m a people pleaser and I should be prouder he wants to do shit with his family. 

Maria: Just know he owes you. 

Me: He does. 

Maria: Big.

Maria: He doesn’t want to do shit with his family. This feels like him showing them he’s a functioning adult with a very patient and supportive partner. 

Maria: When really…you had plans first. 

Me: Yes you are right 

Me: He takes advantage of my kindness too much and I’m angry as fuck. 

Maria: Then do something with that anger. 

Me: I may tell him to go to the party alone to see if he really wants to go. 

Maria: I’m sorry. That’s probably not my place. 

Me: I just talked about this in therapy. 

Maria: I’m angry if you’re angry. 

Me: You are speaking the truth. 

Maria: Sooooooo I’m happy to join you in the “fuck C” party. 

Me: And I love that about you. 

Me: When I’m ready I’ll tell you. 

Me: I just need the right timing. 

Me: Or a swift kick in the ASS. 

Maria: You got it!!! I’ll get the popcorn ready. And the guest room. heartface emoji 

Me: That’s so sweet of you. You already live with unwanted guests lol.

Maria: Bahahahaha I’d kick her out and keep you LOL. 

Me: LOL that means a lot thank you *tearemoji*

Maria: Always! 

        No, we haven’t talked about it today. Yes, he told me that my closet mess is affecting him. Yes he told me the AC people sent an invoice that I should have gotten. No, I didn’t see an invoice. We are existing on an everyday level of roommate level relationship but we are no where near being a healthy romantic relationship stable couple. I am unable to come off my eggshell walking long enough to broach conflict and he his unable to, well, I don’t know what he’s unable to do. A lot of things. I know my weaknesses. I know that until I get healthy enough to speak my truth, to tell him that I am no longer interested in sitting in a dark room on a gorgeous Sunday afternoon I will not be happy. If I keep lying to myself and saying things like “I’m so glad you’re willing to do things with your family again,” it’s only going to breed the resentment I feel now ten times stronger. Things would be so much easier if I walked away. Things would be so much easier on my own. So what is holding me back? 

Currently my whole back feels like it’s made up of a rope smashed together and tied in knots, the kind that forms when you fail to wind a knitting or crocheting yarn ball properly and the ends bind together and you can’t get in undone. I’m so tense you could bounce a quarter off me and have it land on the ground in seconds. I recognize this only when I try, but it feels so normal now. Walking on eggshells dancing around his feelings and trying to make everyone but myself happy isn’t working for me anymore. I don’t, however, know what to do though. I don’t know what makes me happy. If I go to the festival Sunday I will feel nothing but guilt for leaving him behind and he will make me feel more guilty for not supporting his family efforts. If I go to the movie I will feel resentful that I didn’t follow my wishes. Damn being an eldest parentified daughter who has lost the autonomy to decide what is best for herself. This just sucks. 

This is what walking on eggshells looks like and feels like for me. Get me out of here. 

https://750words.com/stats/RockstarTeacher2024/ZVmccVe8GPL6SUguZzBs

Green Flags: Another Echoes Post

 The Story Writing Workshop is our writing and reading session in Echoes of Recovery. When we write our truth, we go much deeper than when we talk. The Story is all about digging deep to find healing.

 

We will have our next The Story reading sessions next Wednesday, July 16th.

Morning Call: 9am MDT
Evening Call: 6pm MDT

The writing prompt for next Wednesday's sessions is: Green Flags

We talk a lot in Echoes about missing red flags as we proceeded through our relationships. A huge part of the work of recovery is recognizing the red flags, and making hard decisions about navigating through trauma and chaos.

For this prompt, let's look at the green flags that are trying to lead us toward peace, growth, and self-confidence. 

Please write about the non-negotiable truths about yourself that you've discovered. Share things you see in your life - supportive people, peaceful living arrangements, relationships with your kids, job goals/opportunities - that are like green flags guiding you forward. So often when you "choose your hard," you fixate on the challenges, the negatives of the choice. For this prompt, please focus on the positives that motivate your actions. As hard as this all is, you have a lot going for you. Please write about it.

Having trouble finding the time to write? Our Echoes of Recovery participants lead busy lives. But busy is a matter of priorities, and we believe so strongly in the power of writing our stories, that we offer this suggestion if you are having trouble finding time to write. Try the Seven Minute Prompt method. Set a timer for seven minutes, write to the prompt above, and stop wherever you are at the end of the time. No need to edit. Just bring the output from your seven minutes of writing to our session, and read with pride for finding time to squeeze in the writing this week.

On next Wednesday's video calls, we will read our stories to each other. Please be prepared to give and receive relentlessly positive feedback. In The Story Writing Workshops, we reward the vulnerability of our writers.

Early on Wednesday morning, I will send the ZOOM links to join the reading sessions. Please let me know if you have any questions, and we can't wait to hear your stories!

Positive things I see in my life:

1. Echoes retreat was so great for allowing myself to see green flags. 

2. Everytime I leave my house, I realize how much I do have to offer the world. 

3. I am worthy. 

4. Hanging out with badass women help me realize that. 

5. Toxic people do not help me realize that. 

Green flags guiding me forward? 

1. Focus on the small. 

2. Go for walks. Always move. It makes me feel better longterm even if I don't feel like it short-term. 

3. 

It's incredibly difficult tonight to sit down and come up with green flags in my relationship, especially after coming back from the Echoes of Recovery retreat for a week. One of the non-negotiables present at the retreat that I immediately noticed was missing upon my return was that emotional safety that needs to be there to thrive. It was so present in Denver, with Matt and Sheri, with my Echoes sisters (and brother -- didn't forget about you Mike!) that I was caught superiorly off gaurd immediately following my return. 

Emotional safety is not waking your partner up after a 1am-6am flight at 10am (after 4 hours of sleep) and asking if she wanted to go eat lunch and grocery shopping. I said I didn't but it didn't matter. He rebutted and said that the best way to counter a red-eye is just to power through and sleep later to get your sleep schedule back on track. (He is the expert on sleep, after all, with narcolepsy and everything.) I didn't fight it. I just didn't want to. I didn't have the urge to. But I couldn't help but feel that my Echoes peeps wouldn't have done that...would they? Do I live in a normal relationship? 

It was my fault for not putting my foot down. I felt guilty for leaving for more than a week. I was gone for two. He was lonely. He doesn't function well when he's lonely. I needed to get up and do what he needed to do. So I did. Ugh. 

But this writing is supposed to be about green flags. My green flags are I am actually in better shape than I thought I was at this point in my life. I can climb a glacier at 10K feet in the air. My green flags are that I can make conversation with anyone in the room and listen well to anyone telling their story. My green flags are that I do genuinely enjoy listening for the sake of listening and not responding. Thanks for that one, Matt. It takes a good human to point that out to me sometimes. 

Other green flags are career related. I've reached leadership positions at school. I can run a classroom confidently, I can help other teachers when needed. I do my part without annoying people and get the job done and move on with my day. I like to think I make the world a better place at work. For everyone. 

Green flags are I am able to lose 20 lbs in 6 months and should do that some more. I can get up and walk a few miles every morning and feel great about myself. 

I can do that when I'm everywhere else except my own home. I felt that difference dramatically this week. Upon return from the retreat. After having 9 other individuals listen to me with apt attention and not judge, having the ONE person who is supposed to be there for you no matter the circumstances not do shit and make me feel insignificant is a pretty big slap in the face. 

And I want to give him credit. He is trying. He's just not there yet. He is unable to be emotionally safe. But for how long to accept the red flags that arent' turned to green flags after six months of true sobriety? 

How long does one wait? 

I think that's what I am struggling with the most. It's not all bad all the time by any means. After the recent podcast where I just COULD NOT put my finger on the very time it got bad, the drinking turned toxic, because it was a slow burn, I can't put my finger exactly on reasons to stay either. It's very much a grey zone. 

Green flags include: I do feel amazing about myself when I am BY MYSELF or with safe other people. 

When I am doing my thing and making my decisions for the most part, I am thriving. That should be all the information I need, but of course relationships that last for 14 years are not that simple. 

It should not be ALL about YOU anymore. We should be moving on. Getting health(ier). I fear that I am getting healthier and growing at a faster rate. I don't want to be pulled back into you vortex of toxicity like I have been for the last five years. (Although I didn't realize that's where I was at the time.) 

Non-negotioables include: You will not make fun of my food, my clothing, or anything that make me feel emotionally unsafe. You will respect me as human being. 

Non-negotiobales include: Treating me as if I were your equal. With the same respect you have for yourself (except this is not ok because you probably have very little respect for yourself, and thus feel the same about me.) 

Non-negotiables include: You will tell me and have a basic conversation about your day. Everyday. I don't think that's too much to ask. 

If I can't get that from you, I do think I have the right to go elsewhere. If only that were so easy. 

Songs for Recovery: An Echoes

The writing prompt for next Wednesday's sessions is: What song moves you (or gets you moving)?

Music can be such a vital part of our recovery and discovery progress. Sometimes the lyrics of song sound like they were written specifically about our situation. Other times the rhythm or beat or cadence or melody or chorus of a song stirs something inside of us. For this week's prompt, please pick a song that is important to you, and tell us why. Is there inspiration in the lyrics? Does the song lift you up and help remind you that you are going to be OK? And you don't have to narrow this to one song. Please share about several songs if several songs are important to you.

7 minute prompt

The term, "recovery," is a little misleading, I think. Recovery insinuates that we are going back to status from the past (like when you recover the data from a hard drive). The fact is that anyone who successfully recovers from the alcoholism of a loved one is a new and different version of themself. Who would want to go back to being that person who was susceptible to gaslighting, denials, and manipulation? We want to move forward.

Please write about a story from your recent past that shows where you are going moving forward. Maybe you had a positive interaction with someone. Maybe you were calm in a situation that previously activated your nervous system. Maybe you pursued something with a sense of determination not previously available. Maybe your story goes in a different direction entirely. Please tell us a story that points you in a certain direction for the future.

While I agree with the idea that recovery is misleading, that we have to move forward to discover who we are, I think recovery is sometimes an appropriate term because we do have to look to the past to correct the mistakes an painful instances in order to move forward. 

While I'd like to believe that we are not living in the past, we have to try actively and assertively NOT to live in the past, I am a new and different person everyday. How am I a new and different person everyday? 

I'm not sure. But I do know that last weekend, one weekend I had free, I chose to drive to Chattanooga BY MYSELF so I didn't have to sit and do nothing in the house with a partner that chooses to be miserable. While I was pretty miserable Friday, I can accept that he is NOT doing the work while I am. As frustrated as that makes me, I do have to believe that I can not change him. Only he decides that he gets to do the work. And if it's been two years and he's still choosing to be miserable, I have do something with that information. If it's leave town and protect my emotional safety for the weekend, that is what I will do. 

Some will say I'm avoiding the truth. Some will say I'm procrastinating. I did end up calling a lawyer "just in case" last weekend. I haven't done anything with that information besides just let it sit with me, but I guess I'm at piece with the knowledge that I did it. 

Another way I have move forward is that I know now everything that comes out of his mouth may be a form of manipulating me into doing what he wants to do. And while I don't have any control over that, I don't have to blindly follow that shit show. I can walk away. While I know that standing up to it and calling it out will only end in him projecting back at me, I know I can walk away at any time. 

And I know that specificity makes writing better, but for now I'm going to leave things vague. I think I've grown forward by knowing that I don't have to act right away. That I can sit with things and let them stew. That I can move at my own pace. I do reach out for help with safe people. That there is no such thing as perfect though I don't always practice but always come around to realizing. We are all works in progress. 

Set the Record Straight: Another Echoes Post

 The writing prompt for today's sessions is: Set the Record Straight

A hallmark universalism of being the loved one of an alcoholic is remembering things differently from the recollection of your drinker. Sometimes you are told your memory is incorrect because the drinker really does have an alcohol-warped memory that is cloudy and hazy and simply untrue, or at least different. Sometimes you are told your memory is incorrect because your drinker is in denial, and while your drinker might not remember, they tell you that you are wrong as a knee-jerk deflection or denial, because your version of the truth conflicts with the person the drinker wants to be. The conflicting memories cause further trauma above and beyond the traumatic events you lived through.

This is your chance to set the record straight, maybe not with your drinker, but in a clear and written out permanent record. Please take one (or two or three) incident from your swirling and painful memory, and set the record straight. Tell what happened, how you showed up and tried to limit that damage, and the resulting aftermath. Put it in writing. This prompt is less about us learning your dark secrets, and more about you getting the pain out of your head and into a written form where you truth can live for you to reference anytime you need a reminder of the facts.

​Free yourself. Write about it. Set the record straight.

Comparisons: An Echoes Writing Prompt

 No matter what your situation, you can surely think of other people who have it worse. Is that comparison holding you back? Or did it in the past? Please write about how comparisons to other either used to, or still do, prevent you from making the next right move.

It's the controlling for me

 Came home from family group. 

C was in the kitchen, frying plantains. 

I said hello. 

He told me we have chicken thighs. I said OK. 

He told me he was only going to use soy sauce and ginger to cook them. It would be an experiment. 

The air frier is new as of yesterday. 

He kept commenting about how cheap the thighs were. All of this for $6. 

I said OK. 

He then asked me if I wanted to cook the chicken. 

I instictively sick of his shit said "I don't want to cook here where you're going to tell me 20 things I did wrong." 

And I said I need to decompress from the day. 

I needed go upstairs. 

I didn't ask him to cook. I said I didn't want to. 

I went upstairs to close the door. 

And listen to music and crochet alone. 

He screams upstairs that I locked the cat out. 

I let her in. 

20 min go by and he comes upstairs, opens the door and tells me that he does not want the chicken, and that if I'm not going to eat it he's going to throw it out. 

Who does that? 

He just bought it today. 

Raw chicken thighs. 

I said I may not cook it today but I will cook it tomorrow. I know he goes to aftercare group tomorrow and I will have the kitchen to himself so he can't point out my 100 mistakes while cooking the chicken. 

He doesn't like that answer, but goes downstairs. 

I know he wanted me to come downstairs so he could rant at me about his day. 

He doesn't care about what I have to say about anything anymore. I don't live in an equal partnership and I don't feel heard. 

I spoke my truth by saying "I don't want to cook the chicken now so you can point out what I'm doing wrong." 

Fuck me though if this isn't what it's like being in the aftermath of an alcoholic relationship. 

If I do go down and cook the chicken now that he isn't there he's just going to complain that I didn't clean properly. 

I'm so done. Soo SOO done. 

I'm so done being controlled.