How can I reach my full potential?

 The Story Writing Workshop is our writing and reading session in Echoes of Recovery. When we write our truth, we go much deeper than when we talk. The Story is all about digging deep to find healing.

We will have our next The Story reading sessions next Wednesday, September 23rd:

Morning Call: 9am MDT
Evening Call: 6pm MDT

The writing prompt for next Wednesday's sessions is: How can I reach my full potential?

Addiction expert, and all around guru on self-improvement and growth, Dr. Gabor Mate, debunks a common belief with which many of us struggle. Our culture leads us to believe that there is a contradiction between working on self-improvement and feeling self-acceptance. I know I feel that. How can I work to get better unless I have absorbed the idea that I am not good enough? Gabor says that we need to ask ourselves a kinder question, "How can I reach my full potential?" This question allows us accept who we currently are while still working and striving to grow. It is a powerful reframing. And the striving is not limited to our own internal growth and development. By trying to reach our full potential, we can eliminate roadblocks and change our situation so that the pressure for improvement isn't squarely on our shoulders. So, for this week's writing, please answer Gabor Mate's question: "How can I reach my full potential?"

Having trouble finding the time to write? Our Echoes of Recovery participants lead busy lives. But busy is a matter of priorities, and we believe so strongly in the power of writing our stories, that we offer this suggestion if you are having trouble finding time to write. Try the Seven Minute Prompt method. Set a timer for seven minutes, write to the prompt above, and stop wherever you are at the end of the time. No need to edit. Just bring the output from your seven minutes of writing to our session, and read with pride for finding time to squeeze in the writing this week.

On next Wednesday's video calls, we will read our stories to each other. Please be prepared to give and receive relentlessly positive feedback. In The Story Writing Workshops, we reward the vulnerability of our writers.

Early on Wednesday morning, I will send the ZOOM links to join the reading sessions. Please let me know if you have any questions, and we can't wait to hear your stories!

Matt

My first instinct is to make a list of everything I should be doing better. I should be more organized, more patient, more productive. I should be able to teach full time, pursue my doctorate, care for the people in my life, and somehow still have energy left for myself. But if reaching my full potential means doing all of that perfectly, I will always feel as though I am falling short.

Maybe my full potential is not a future version of me who can carry an unlimited amount. Maybe it begins with being honest about the person I am today: someone who cares deeply, works hard, gets tired, and needs room to grow. I can value those parts of myself without pretending I have everything figured out.

For me, growth might look like choosing what matters most instead of trying to give everything the same amount of energy. It might mean asking for help, setting a boundary, or resting before I am completely depleted. It might mean letting myself learn slowly, especially when I wish I were already good at something.

I want to keep moving forward. But I want to do it with kindness toward myself, not with the belief that I have to earn my worth. Perhaps reaching my full potential starts there: trusting that I am already enough, and giving myself the care and space I need to become more fully myself.

Current question: Does my future best self look better as a single woman? Have I been fooling myself all this time thinking that everyone needs a partner to make the best verson of themself? Should I start thinking of myself as an I rather than a we. I don't have to think of myself as living by myself to think of my self as single. I can think of myself as single in my current living arrangement. I do need to do what's best for me. Detatchment sure is easier when you don't live with that person. Everyone does seem to understand me better as a part of a couple. 

8/12 writing

 The writing prompt for next Wednesday's sessions is: Creeping Doubt

Think it through with logic and reason. Make a pros and cons list. Confirm that you've tried everything possible to bring about change. Review the evidence and see that there really is only one reasonable conclusion.

The above paragraph belongs to your conscious mind. Unfortunately, you have a subconscious, too, that is not always working in your favor. Sometimes, your subconscious defies logic.

Please write about the battle between what you know to be true and the creeping doubt that won't leave you alone.

Yes yes, this topic was made for me. I know that I am an educated, intelligent, compassionate woman that can spread my knowledge of the English language and academic writing to teenagers that hate reading and do it in a way that is fun and energetic. I know I can do this. With the right preparation. The creeping doubt comes in and tells me that nothing I do at work is good enough. Of course, the school system doesn’t hurt that quest either. My therapist said I was transitioning this week and it was rough. I know it’s eight days into the school year. I am on the struggle bus. Paddling like a duck’s underwater, and maybe a little above water too. Our student numbers are low. 

My teammate is in danger of being reassigned, and hopefully it’s just for a few classes over to another department and not to another school. We just found our rhythm in working together last March. We make a good team. The fact is, 100% of our students hit their growth goal for the year. That’s never happened in my short history of teaching multilingual learners. Taking him away feels a little like punishing us for a job well done. Those are facts. I know those are true. I know I am an effective teacher. My subconscious defies logic when I tell myself at 3 am that I suck. I tell myself at 3pm that I’m disorganized, sloppy, a poor dresser, and kind of a mess that hasn’t peed in seven hours. The facts are my basic needs aren’t being met. I let too much of myself go to other people. Those are facts. Subconscious creeps in when I’m tired, I know this. 

Creeping doubt sets in that I’m not a good partner for anyone. Creeping doubt sets in when I convince myself that I am messy, and don’t iron my clothes and have papers left on my desk from last Tuesday. Convinced that productivity and business will cure me of my doubt. When I am productive, I am not thinking about how bad I am at life. Creeping doubt tells me I’m not good enough for a relationship, and would be better off alone. Creeping doubt tells me I’m a failure if I do stay in an unhappy relationship. Creeping doubt tells me I’m crazy for wanting someone to understand me for me after a long hard day of work. Creeping doubt tells me no one wants to hear that mess. Creeping doubt tells me I like nothing and nothing likes me. I don’t have any real hobbies that are worthwhile. Those aren’t the facts. But what are they? 

The fact is I’ve shrunk myself so much. I’ve shrunk myself so I believe that I’m nothing. When I try to tell myself otherwise I get nowhere. What is the big idea? How do we stop the constant creeping doubt? Any suggestions? 

Relationships after Alcohol

 

Expo Fights And 14er Friction

😣 Strained

You went to the Southern Fried Gaming Expo hoping for shared fun, but instead found yourself bristling at Cameron’s rushing, criticism, and total resistance to the creator conversations you love. The 14ers demo became the day’s clearest snapshot: you felt pulled between wanting connection, wanting your own voice, and realizing how much of yourself you’ve been shrinking to keep the peace.

I’m writing today mostly because I’m bothered by another failed attempt at quality time in my relationship. We go to the Southern Fried Gaming Expo every year. 

https://gameatl.com/

We have for the last three years at least. There is typically enough there for both of us and we both end up having a good time. Pinball machines, tabletop game demonstrations from new creators (for me), artists, crafters, booths of creative people, and video game sales and booths, giant expo halls with retro games, pinball machines, retro computer equipment, etc for him. 

We planned to spend a day there. The conference goes on all weekend but who has time for that? 

We typically have very different ideas of what makes a good gaming conference. I know I like to walk around and talk to creators and chat with them about their ideas and how they came up with the idea for their game. I generally get to know them and try out their game. Cameron wants no part of talking but used to enjoy listening to my banter with vendors. He would prefer to look at games for sale and live his own quiet life alone. Not sure why he had to bring me or hang around me the whole time. We are grown ups and he could have gone his separate way but he chose to stick by me, maybe because we had agreed to do this together and spend quality time together. Maybe because he wanted to know what I was up to at all times. I will never know. 

We started with the registration line. He was annoyed because it was long. What does he expect? We got there at a luxurious 11am because we didn’t buy the weekend pass and day passes weren’t available online. It appears to be moving quickly but he wants no part of the conversation so I turn the couple behind us and start a conversation. When there’s a lull behind me he pulls me to him and whispers that I should be careful who I start a conversation with here because not everyone likes to bathe and most are on the spectrum. What the fuck?? We are here too. We are not superior to anyone here. We are all just here sharing a cool hobby and that makes us equals. You are not superior because you are here with a “girlfriend” and happen to bathe and brush your teeth daily. Already annoyed but determined to move on in a positive attitude I focus on the line in front of us. It is moving. I noticed the “Free Mom Hugs” booth and commented to him on that. No response. I love the Free mom hugs booth. See below. 

https://freemomhugs.org/

When we finally buy tickets and a tshirt (our tradition) we are free to wander around but he seems hesitant. We go around the circle and find a new game with dice and a grid called Squabble Squares. New from North Carolina and the guys teach us how to play. Very friendly vendor/creator, doesn’t pressure us into buying anything but does demo the game with us and teach us rules so we play around. Cameron joins in, we have a good time. 

https://www.squabblesquaresgame.com/

He does eventually give us a sales pitch, afterall that’s why he’s here, but we decline politely and say we will come back after walking around a bit. I’m interested and think it would be a fun dinner party game for when we don’t invite guests over. I’m overwhelmed with thoughts of why we don’t have friends and I would like more friends to do social nights/game nights with and Cameron will never go for that but put those thoughts out of my mind and move on. 

More booths, more games. Mostly just looking. Then I stumble upon something that catches my eye. 

It’s a creator with a National Park Card game and another game called 14ers. About 14,000 feet peaks. Having just been in Colorado, I stop and hear the guy’s story. He did in fact create the game for his hiking enthusiast wife. It’s a turn-based card game where you take cards with the Colorado 14ers on them and try to earn points by “training” and “Getting gear” with dice and cards and strategy. Very clever. 

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/grazingbeargames/14ers-a-card-game-about-colorados-highest-peaks

Cameron likes other strategy games like this, so I start asking questions and get into this great conversation about Colorado and how pretty it is and knowing he’s there to sell the game, Cameron looks in patient and not into this convo. I’m super excited but managing expectations from all. He says he’s doing a demo of the game at 2. It’s almost 12 now so we agree to come back. It’s a visually gorgeous game. Someone has some artistic talent and passion. He spent a lot of time researching the peaks. It would be cool to play with hiking enthusiast friends. I enjoy supporting creative minds and kickstarter projects. Cameron looks like he wants to participate in the convo but has nothing to contribute. We walk on. 

We stumble past game demos in progress and I stop to watch. I get invited and join a few, but Cameron never seems interested enough to sit down. He likes games, he tells me later he doesn’t want to be “trapped” in a game where he can’t get away if he wants to. He was anxious to see everything we came to see and still seemed like he was in a hurry. I have a different attitude and just want to talk to as many people and experience the humanity and community that is here. He’s annoyed that I want to play every game available. Still we are doing a good job of compromising, he is letting me play a few and I’m giving in to him wanting to move as fast as possible. 

I should say at this point that we have a game we demoed last year and we both enjoyed and we haven’t played it ONCE all year. Partially because it’s multiplayer and doesn't invite friends over and partially because he’s too impatient to sit down with me and learn the rules. Part of this conference for me is a chance to meet people and make contacts for future gaming. I don’t think he realizes that and I do keep bringing it up nicely to him while we are walking but he doesn’t seem to agree with me and wants to keep walking and just looking at stuff superficially, not going deep enough to learn anything or make any deep connections. 

Here’s the role playing game we own and did a past demo on last year: 

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09K92WF41?lv=shuf&channelId=500&plpRedirect=mhFallback

Fun little western movie role playing game. Would be fun in a larger group. 

We were invited to play again this year but Cameron declined. I kind of wanted to play – but could see that he was annoyed. 

Live in the moment. 

Make connections. 

That’s not how he works yet. Or ever. 

I can feel the resentment builing but am trying to stay positive, we move to the the next room. This room is entirely his room. It’s the pinball/arcade games/retro computer giant exhibit hall. 

It’s noisy. But it’s a cacophony of noise that Cameron says he’s able to drown out. Because it doesn’t require conversation or deep connection. There’s a constant hum of noise that if you’re playing one specific game or focusing on one vendor booth you can drown out but people aren’t talking to each other. It’s also the most popular place in the convention. It’s my least favorite room here but I go along with it. The retro booth is interesting. There are old commodores and apple computers from the 70s/80s and they are cool to read about. We do spend time going through the history of technology. Taking pictures. I’ll post them at the end. 

We spent an hour there. Cameron mostly looks at old video game sellers and is independent. I strike up conversations with people with 14 pinball machines in their basement looking to acquire the Harry Potter ones. I learned that Pinball machines (these) cost $2000 and mostly more than that. What? Ok then. The wife of this couple rolls her eyes and tells me that she’s instructed her daughter that when they die she will sell them and by herself a new car. The husband rolls his eyes at her. I find myself wondering about their relationship. Cameron’s playing pinball in front of me. I can barely hear them but that's all I get from them and the only convo I have in this giant conference hall. 

I find a dance dance revolution machine and play that with Cameron watching and we find a guitar hero machine and we both play a round of that. That’s pretty fun. Harder than it looks, but fun. Cameron tells me everything I did wrong in the game and then tells me he used to be awesome at Guitar Hero. That’s the only convo we have there. I take a picture with the cute robot when it comes into our area. He is still shopping for video games he will likely never play. I find an old disney machine that molds wax and smells awful and get into a convo with people around that. I make Mickey. Pictures to come. He is nowhere to be found. Fine. After about an hour in that room it’s getting close to the time of that 14er demo so I find him and tell him I want to go to that and he doesn’t have to come with me but he chooses to follow me there. 

We sit down and immediately he says he only wants to watch. So it’s me and another guy and the creator telling the rules. He explains the rules and lays out the game play. I’m asking questions as we go. It’s a genuinely fun game and I’m enjoying the rules. Cameron is sitting next to me telling me that I made the wrong decision in front of both the other player and the creator and I should have gone with this card. I tell him nicely that he should have played the game instead of telling me what to do. I’m starting to find my truth speaking serum. I am wearing my purple beaded bracelet from Avia and Nikki after all. He is defensive and embarrassed and says he doesn’t want to play and the creator says that we are playing as a team to make himself more comfortable. I’m immediately embarrassed for us and him that he had to witness that and make a mental note to behave better. I am still annoyed as fuck that he didn’t want to play his own hand and only wanted to criticize my decisions. 

We get through the game and to the sales pitch. The game is only $20. I think it would be a fun game to have on the shelf and a talking piece for hiking people. I am interested in Colorado and hiking. I say this out loud. I comment on the beautiful artwork. Cameron is not ok with this. He gets up and says we will head over to the booth and buy it there. He wants nothing of this small talk with the creator. I’m trying to build friendships here. I follow him over and before we get to the booth he pulls me aside privately and says that was the most confusing game ever and he didn’t understand the rules or scoring. I said well then why didn’t you ask as we went. He said he didn’t want to sound like a jerk. I didn’t think it was that confusing, it was a first run through and we would learn. I can tell he doesn’t want me to purchase this game. He makes sure it's a me purchase and not a purchase, but when we get to the booth and I’m contemplating the sales person there says he doesn’t have a card reader (it’s with the demo guy we just left) and I don’t have cash so I walk away. I am visibly pissed and Cameron knows it. He feels bad. I don’t want to talk about it so I say nothing. I walk around the demo area looking at what everyone else is playing but he’s now saying he has a headache and is feeling tired. It is time for his narcolepsy daily nap so we head home. I know Cameron is upset. I say that I’m sorry for not voicing my truth earlier. We didn’t plan this out well enough we never do. 

I always want to stay for the demos and he always wants to leave. He doesn’t want to be roped into a game if he doesn’t like the people we are playing with. I said that’s fine he can do his thing. He says that defeats the point if we do this together. I don’t say anything because we are in the car and I don’t want to fight in the car. 

I do finally get the courage to voice my truth and say when we get home that I value community and want to make friends and I don’t think he values that and is too shy to take a risk. I say that making friends and living a life I want to live requires risk taking. It shuts him up for a few minutes. I ask why he doesn’t bring his medicine so that we don’t have to leave at 4. He says it's a controlled substance and doesn’t want to get pulled over with it on him in an unmarked container. He has a pill case. Lots of people have a pill case. It’s an excuse for needing to leave early. When he was a drinker, leaving early was the only thing he did to be able to drink the way he wanted to. I got used to doing my only thing. I see this as just a behavior set in the same roots. He does not. It’s a valuable thing. I just want different things out of life than he does. He’s starting to realize that and it upsets both of us. 

We go on for a while and agree that if we do this next year we should probably get a room in the hotel so that I can do my thing and he can go to sleep when he’s tired. He said that’s a good idea and he’s thought of that too. 

We were going to get dinner but he nixed it because he didn't like the outside look of the restaurant. We found ice cream instead. I said I want ice cream and we get that but then asked me what I really wanted to do because he was confused and knows that I don't always say what I want. I said again I really want ice cream because I don't mess around with that. 

I will back the 14er game on kickstarter. He doesn’t have to know about it. 

Anyway, this is long and I’m exhausted. Drinking takes a toll on relationships that aren’t about drinking anymore. There is more I can say but I thought this would give you more of an idea about our lives together. We want to do shit together. I also want to be my own person. I am my own person. I can’t be who I want to be around him in these situations. It saddens me. I’m not ready to leave yet. I’m not ready to stay and lose myself either. I do know I’ve spent way too much time losing myself and chipping away at parts of myself that I like too much. 

I also know that I start school in less than 24 hours and I’m mortified for all that entails. I am not ready for the year. I am not excited for what the year represents. I am exhausted. 

We have to go to see the Odyssey with my parents this afternoon. I agreed to that and so did he. It is the first time we will be out with them as a couple since he stopped drinking. I opted for a movie instead of dinner because of the low interaction feature. I do not want to go and sit in a movie for three hours today. I would rather have the alone time or the movement time. 

Wish us luck. 

I commend you for making it to the bottom of this. 

It’s a doozy. 

Feedback in all forms is welcome and encouraged. 

Be kind and direct. If there is such a thing. 

Am I wasting my time? 

Can I learn to love myself well enough to make this work? 

Echoes 7/29

 The writing prompt for next Wednesday's sessions is: Comfort Zone

Tell us a story about a time when you felt as comfortable as you can remember. Maybe it was an interaction with someone you trust. Maybe you were by yourself in a place that carries safe memories. Please be descriptive. Help us to be there with you. Set the scene. Describe what we should experience with all five senses. Help us understand why the situation brings you such comfort. Then, please help us understand why this comfort zone is hard to achieve, and what you might be able to do to find the comfort zone more often.

I feel like this is just a cry for an advertisement for the Echoes retreat 2027 because I would totally do that. I just felt so safe last week at the retreat in the woods. I could write about sitting on a rock with my feet in the water running over my ankles talking to Hammer and Jen S and Sherri and letting the cool mountain air and rain smell regulate my nervous system for me. Talk about your comfort zone.

I could also write about not getting made fun of for breathing wrong by anyone at the retreat. No one comments on what I'm eating or how I'm eating or what I'm leaving on the floor too many times or how I can't eat without making a mess. I guess my standards for my comfort zone aren't very high.

Even when I speak and choose what I say carefully, I enjoy the feeling I get when people listen for listening sake like they are actually interested in what I have to say, instead of say, listening with the purpose of feeling like they have to listen to be a good person and later get rewarded with sex because he listened or watched something he didn't really want to listen to or watch but he did and so now I'm obligated do what he wants because that's what being a relationship is.

Comfort is a tricky line to walk when you've been in a relationship with an alcoholic and emotional abuser for a good chunk of your adult life. Speaking of walking lines, the ropes course was kind of a good analogy for comfort. On the high ropes course, you could get very comfortably locked in, stationary, balancing. The minute you move your feet you instantly don't trust yourself and it's over. Comfort gone. The more you don't trust yourself the more comfort you lose and the cycle continues. If I remembered to breathe and cope I could usually figure out how to keep moving forward fast enough to get to the next platform. Heart rate elevated, nervous system engaged, respiration rate elevated until both feet were on the platform. The platform is my comfort zone. Solid ground. Ground that doesn't move.

A partner that doesn't talk back and doesn't insult me. The similarities are frightening and I could keep going with this metaphor but it will expire very soon. If I didn't remember to breathe and calm myself, panic ensued and I would lose my balance and have to paddle like a duck's feet to get back up to a place where I could grab the lifewire, with deathly grip. The illusion of safety and comfort.

I am safe. I just don't think I am. I am respected. I just don't feel like I am 100 percent of the time. And that's a hard place to recover from. The cycle continues to churn whether you are aware of it or not.

The last time I was truly comfortable in my own home was the day that Cameron left for Tennessee for the day. It was quiet. I could be wherever in the house I wanted and could watch or do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted without regard for his reaction. That's not right. That's not a relationship, that's...I don't know what that is. Do I really just want to be that single? Did people just figure me out when I entered a relationship and I never was meant to be in one? I keep finding all of these other nice people in my life. Am I really just a person comfortable enough with people at a distance? The difference between them and Cameron is I don't have to live with them. They are nice because they don't see me 24 hours a day. When I'm at my worst. I really just may be better off as a single person and that's my comfort zone. Then I can just have really good friends. Who said one has to be in a relationship to be happy? I hate that is the line they feed you when you become an adult. You're not a real adult until you get married and have kids and a 9 to 5 job. Well that is just bullshit.

My comfort zone is me, and my cat. Mix some friends up there. Mix some community up in there for purpose. Do I want to be single or do I just not want the same thing as Cameron? Until he's willing to have that conversation as an adult, I will never know. Until I am willing to have that conversation as an adult, I will never know. Dive in, take the bandaid off, head first. Except I do like my spine intact and upright. So I am cautious.

Emotionally moved: 7/1 Echoes

 Write about a time you felt emotionally moved.

Laugh, Think, Cry 

This prompt is really hard for me and I procrastinated a bit so I’m writing this on Wednesday morning. The truth of the matter is I have a hard time feeling emotionally moved on any given day. 

Laugh – I do this a lot, but it seems to be a replacement action for all of the feelings that I feel lately. Somewhere in my life I got the message that people like laughing better than crying so I laugh at anything. It’s not a good look. 

Think – I do this a lot too, mostly to my detriment. Most people’s thinking is my overthinking. Therapy is helping with this. 

Cry – I don’t do this. I haven’t in a long time. I can’t figure out why. I do feel envy at those who do cry regularly. Have I just become so numb to things that I shove the cry emotion down so frequently that it’s become a habit, replaced with laughter instead? I think this is a little of what is happening. I don’t fault others for crying, I want the release. In all of life’s chaos, I forgot how to cry. It’s not a good look either. 

I don’t want to say it’s as simple as, well, I was asked to shape up or ship out as a child, was told one too many times in my teenage years not to cry and it stuck, though it may be that simple. As the dutiful oldest daughter, I couldn’t cause any more trouble for my parents than my brother was causing and I had to be silent to be good and crying was seen as a call for attention and we shouldn’t by any means draw attention to ourselves. 

In my relationship in early sobriety C couldn’t deal with my emotions so I hid them from him and just got really good at masking everything from everyone. It hasn’t come back yet. 

I remember feeling really moved yesterday, when my former coworker invited me to her pool to see a former student's family all grown up. These girls from Guatemala were 7 and 8 when I left my previous school. It was the height of the pandemic and they spoke next to no English. They always had a smile tucked on their faces beneath a mask. Today they sit at a newly 13 and 15 and fully in their teenage years and in the throes of middle school. Cellphones and social media await, but they did none of that in our presence. Instead they talked to us and helped translate for mom. I’m sure they are bullied or treated poorly for being quiet and compliant. I’m sure they still rely on each other to get through the day. Both of them helped mom dutifully with their 5 year old sister and infant brother. Both of them watched over their 5 year old sister as a new swimmer in the pool. Making sure she stayed in vision of them both. Second and third mom. Both of them reveled in the freedom mom gave them to swim and play yesterday. They wouldn’t have had that had my coworker not invited them to the pool that day. 

I learned later that this family of six was in a horrible accident leaving the kids to go through multiple surgeries to fix teeth and jaws that were destroyed on impact. They have one car. They missed months of school. I didn’t ask about income lost for not being allowed to work, because I know either parent’s employment situation is day to day construction contract work that may not have been able to be performed post accident. None of the children complained about any of it yesterday. They were happy to swim and play and eat a meal provided to them and talk with the boring adults that were present. I was certainly moved to tears, but I couldn’t say or show any of that. The mom told me through broken English that because of their missed school this year, both girls are repeating grades 6 and 7 next year, and they aren’t getting along with their older white male English teacher with high expectations. My heart broke for them. They are the statistics we talk about as future high school drop outs. They deserved none of this. 

I felt emotionally moved and still do. I took their business card and promised to call when my yard needs a fence fixed or my house needs cleaning; I know they are too proud to accept a handout. I know nothing I say wouldn’t be enough, so instead I chose time. Time spent with them, in connection. I would like to think that helped. It probably did temporarily raise spirits, but left me feeling like I have nothing to complain about. 

I don’t know why I’m telling this story, the task was to write about a time I felt emotionally moved and I guess that this is the one this summer that comes to mind because I’ve numbed myself to everything else in my life. I’ll continue working on that, if I knew how. 

Visualizing the Summit

 The writing prompt for next Wednesday's sessions is: Can't See the Summit

Hiking in Colorado, we usually start the hike without being able to see the top of the mountain, the destination. That can feel daunting - so much so that sometimes it keeps people from making the climb. What is something in front of you that's so large, such a fundamental change, and you can't see the summit, so you stay at the bottom, looking up, thinking, dreaming, and promising yourself that someday you'll start climbing? It can be anything, related to alcoholism and emotional safety, or not. Please visualize the assent, and write about it. Plan all the steps, anticipate the false summits, think about the supplies you'll need. It's always easier to start a hike if you've already summited the mountain through visualization.

There is so much of this journey that I can not see. The thing that comes to mind now is what to do next part of my journey. I can not see the end, so I just stop. Give up. I know I deserve emotional safety at all costs. I don’t know what to do when I don’t get that at home. From my partner. I don’t know what to do when requiring something from my partner that he has no ability to give, because I assume that he does have the ability to give and is either choosing not to or doesn’t know he needs to at this time, because I have always accepted what he has given. I need to expect more parts that I can not see the top of. I have always dreamed of a career that is not in K-12 education. Something else. 

Non-teaching, non-caregiving, communicating with people but something out there. I can’t tell if I’ve always done it because he wanted me to or if that is what society expected of me. I start the journey. I started applying to other jobs, like the state-department fellowship overseas. The application opens in September. I am going to fill it out this year. I have in past years, but it seemed too daunting so I stopped; I put my white flag in the ground and I surrendered to the gods of alcoholic thinking in the house. We can’t afford this, he would always say. 

You need a job with stable income, stable insurance. If you do that, I’ll get a job making more money and that will come without insurance so one of us will need to have a steady stable job while one of us earns more doing contract work. He’s never applied to higher paying jobs. He’s scared to leave. We are both scared to leave the comfort of what we know. I think he is more than me. I want to branch out, try something new, but something is holding me back. Has it always been him? Has he been the voice of reason or the voice of negativity and stifled opportunities? I have tried having job conversations with him, they are circular. They don’t go anywhere. I’m afraid to stand up to him and share my concerns and true feelings. 

I have a plan. I’m going to apply to a few of the virtual gigs on the state department website here: 

https://elprograms.org/virtual-educator-program/

I know the director of that program, she was my supervisor in graduate school. That’s an advantage. I can do a few of the evening programs that last a few hours a few nights a week after school this year. That won’t disrupt my income from my day job and will give Cameron nothing to complain about. Other than that I'm not spending enough time with him at night but he never wants to spend time with me at night anyway. My foot will be in the door when I want to apply to the longer term gigs with the same program overseas. 

https://elprograms.org/fellow-program/

It opens in September. It’s a long process with lots of steps. I don’t plan on telling anyone until I’ve made it to the last rounds and plans have to be made to leave. That’s a harder conversation with Cameron. My income should be the exact same as I’m making now. I can still financially contribute to the home. I just won’t BE home for a year. I have no idea how I’m going to have that conversation. This is the summit I’m climbing but can’t see the top of yet. How do I tell him I’m unhappy with a few aspects of life without him convincing me I’m not. This is more of a me thing than a him thing. I’m the one gaslighting myself, telling myself I’m happy, going along with life, until I get so resentful and hurt at myself and at the world that I want something more. I settled for this suburban life long ago because it’s something that the world pushes on us. Settle down, get yourself a mate, kids, pets, cars, a job, and you have achieved something in life. When I keep coming back to it, that’s just not true and the summit is higher for me. 

I’ll apply to these programs this year and that will be the start. The summit is not in sight; I have no idea where this will lead, but it is the next approachable step. That may be all that’s in me to write and think about today. 

There was so much of me that I hid from the summit of my dreams during my alcoholic partnership and there is still so much that is hidden. I’m starting to peak out and see the summit, but it’s still cloudy. It’s there, it’s just not visible.

Echoes 6/10 Video Discussion Call Prompt

                      Rating Comfort Level in Various Relationships

10 = Very comfortable 1=Not comfortable at all

Relationship Categories:

1. With your parents – 9/10 with mom; 4/10 with dad right now. I definitely don’t share things about my relationship with either of them and only keep it positive most of the time. If I am having another issue, my mom’s the guide, but nothing with dad. 

2. With your children – I don’t have biological children, but I consider my students my own children sometimes, by default. I do think and worry about them like some moms worry about their bio kids. I do have nightmares about them. So to the extent that I can, I am 8/10 comfortable with my role as their teacher and mentor, guiding them through American high school for the first time in the country. We do share some pretty cool things and learn about each other throughout the year. 

3. With your partner – I’m about 4/10 here. I only share what I think he can handle and censor myself frequently based on what I think is his mood at the time. I don’t share everything. He runs the agenda of the house. If he doesn’t like it, we usually don’t do it. I do a lot of things on my own and that gets lonely. 

4. With other family – I don’t really talk to a lot of other family members. That’s what this disease does to families. I guess I see my mom’s brother and his wife, but cousins have dropped off the radar. My aunt and uncle are very open and non-judemental. I do feel comfortable sharing parts of my life with them like I do my mom. My grandparents used to be that for me, but they have since passed away. I don’t share anything with my brother; he’s at 5/10. Maybe a little more with his wife, 6/10.  

5. With close friends – Maria is really the only close friend right now, and I do share things from time to time with her but don’t burden her with relationship details for fear of judgement. She wants me to leave and thinks I can do better. I’d put Maria at an 8/10, right below mom. 

6. With distant friends/neighbors – 2/10 Nothing. I don’t even have distant friends. My neighbors don’t talk to us. We live in such an isolated world. 

7. With your boss – I’ve worked hard here. 5/10 because I do share things that are going on in my classroom with my APs. They support me on behavior issues and issues with coworkers. I have built that level of trust with them, more so than at other schools. They know I care for my students and families and have their best interest at heart when making decisions. I don’t share details of my personal life with them. That’s just not appropriate for the situation. 

8. With other coworkers – 4/10 superficial at best but friendly. I share what I’m reading for fun with a lot of them and we have lunchtime chatter but not much more. 

How have these ratings changed over the years. What is missing in relationships where you aren't comfortable? 

     I think I was more comfortable with my parents before alcohol came into the picture in my relationship. They know too much and no one wants to talk about it unless I initiate, and I don’t want to initiate. Everything is fine here, nothing to see. I have always as far as I can remember back in childhood felt more comfortable with mom than with dad. General affect and emotional safety with her than with him. I obviously felt more comfortable before alcohol with Cameron. I do think I did a lot of isolating from friends and family in this process and that is hard to make up for now. It’s almost like too much time has passed. 

To what do you attribute the comfort in relationships where you are comfortable? 

     The relationships where I am most comfortable, like mom and Maria, I attribute to time spent. I don’t miss out on making time for them and making them a priority in my life. I’ve tried to make Cameron a priority and it’s getting better but for the longest time he had other priorities. 

Are there lessons you can learn, and things you can transfer, between the categories?
      Not sure about this one. I need to listen to other people’s answers to get a feel for this one. I don’t think one relationship gives way to others in my life currently.