May 20 Writing: Universalisms in High Functioning Alcoholism and the Family System

Just because you never hit her doesn’t mean you didn’t abuse her. There is so much of this that rings true. I struggle a lot with the the notion that I have been abused in the traditional sense and in a lot of ways I feel like it would be easier if I he did just hit me. He didn’t mean to, and it’s not manipulation in the traditional sense, but it is abuse. Emotional abuse is complicated and a sort of mind-fuck. The subtlety of this I’m just beginning to come aware of and become aware of little bits of it more and more each day. It’s the not being allowed to be my true self that feels like betrayal. I am learning that I am a pretty awesome person, and I can’t show all of my awesome self at home. Not only can I not share my awesome self at home, but I am forced to be someone else. Someone I don’t recognize. Someone that doesn’t sing in the shower or make art proudly. I don’t like that version of myself. I’m not heard for who I am. I have to compromise myself. I tolerated that for a very long time and I’m not sure how much longer I can tolerate that but I’m also not sure what I should do about it because, as we all say, it’s not THAT bad. But how bad is THAT bad? Where is the line?

I was scheduled to do jury duty tomorrow so I took the day off put in my paid time off and got a sub and left sub plans on my desk. Called them tonight, they dismiss my group, but Fulton County Schools doesn’t know that. They just know I am out tomorrow, so i wasn’t gonna go to school. I was gonna let the sub do the day especially since Wednesday is an extra long day with graduation at the end.

Well Cameron can’t stand this. He tells me he thinks I should go to work since it’s the end of the year. It’s a blackout day (it’s not; Wednesday graduation is and the last day of school is). He tells me to cancel my sub and go to work. It’s his work from home day. It’s actually not, he usually works from the office on Tuesday but I guess he wants to work from home tomorrow and me being home would interfere with those plans. He doesn’t want me home. It feels like sort of the same kind of thing that would happen during active addiction. I would stay home sick and he would convince me I wasn’t sick enough to take off so this feels like that. It was sort of like he was protecting his image. If I stayed home things looked wrong. If I didn’t, everything was fine.

I asked a few teacher friends all of whom said take the day. They won’t call you for jury duty again for another six months and by then my leave will turn over and renew itself. I’m pissed. I’m not pissed enough to say anything to him to overturn the apple cart, but I’m going to pull a 2023 (just keep walking on eggshells) and just pretend like I’m going to work and go other places. Sit in the car, just to avoid conflict. I don’t feel like having this conflict is safe even now. However, it will never be until I bite the bullet and confront. Not today though.

I know that “feelings are never the fault of the person who feels them” but for some reason I feel so cowardly and incomplete. I feel like we are right back to active addiction, me covering up for his shortcomings like nothing is wrong. Feelings may not be the fault of those that feel them, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling them, and that doesn’t stop me from reacting in a way that protects my partner with a problem. Alcohol may be out of the picture, but behaviors aren’t. I am still protecting his feelings, I am still walking on eggshells, I am still avoiding conflict, and that makes me feel like absolute horse shit. If I confront and tell him that it’s my house too and I deserve to be in it for the day, I’m going to face backlash. I’m going to face a lecture that makes me feel like I’m his child and not his partner. I would like to say I am your equal, treat me like an adult. I have just as valid of feelings around my employment status and I am able to make a professional decision around whether or not I take the day off, but at my core I don’t believe that, and that’s because you have made me not believe that with your past words and actions, whether you believe that or not.

If you never apologized, she’s waiting to hear that you’re sorry. And then she’ll need validation.

The truth is he never apologized because he doesn’t know that he did anything wrong. He thought he was controlling the situation. Trying to make both of us look good. I need to hear that you’re sorry. Not just for the pet trauma, but for all of it. I need validation that I’m not less than professionally, that I’m worth being an equal partner. Your criticism is a dagger. It lodges into my skin under my skull and twists until a dull ache forms. The body keeps the score. Chronic pain is a sign of a lack of emotional safety. I woke up this morning with a headache. I went to bed last night with tense muscles in the back of my neck, shoulders and back. Despite breathing exercises and stretching I did. Despite the heating pack I put on after dinner. This is no doubt a sign of chronic stress caused by a direct lack of emotional safety. I realize that now. I didn’t realize that a year ago. I guess that’s progress.

She doesn’t need to just let it go. Trauma doesn’t heal without work. For so long I’ve believed that it was me. I do just need to let it go. That this isn’t trauma. That nothing is wrong. That I am just too sensitive. What is the work? Is the work the work of confrontation? If one person isn’t willing to do the work in the relationship it’s very hard to do the work of both people. My therapist has always said that I haven’t been confronting because my first priority is physical and emotional safety. It’s simply not safe to confront at this stage. When will it be? Ever? It has to be soon because I am at a breaking point. I don’t know how much more pain (emotional or physical) my body can take before it keeps breaking down.

Finally, she might always love you, but if she doesn’t like you, the relationship cannot thrive. The relationship is not thriving. I don’t like you. I might love you. I don’t like you. If I don’t like you the way I don’t like you right now, I can’t thrive, which means we can’t thrive. I can’t tell you things. I’m going to sit and fester until my nervous system whithers to a pulp. I will continue shrinking until I become a shell of the person I once was. I’m starting to see that. I have a long way to go.