Echoes 7/29

 The writing prompt for next Wednesday's sessions is: Comfort Zone

Tell us a story about a time when you felt as comfortable as you can remember. Maybe it was an interaction with someone you trust. Maybe you were by yourself in a place that carries safe memories. Please be descriptive. Help us to be there with you. Set the scene. Describe what we should experience with all five senses. Help us understand why the situation brings you such comfort. Then, please help us understand why this comfort zone is hard to achieve, and what you might be able to do to find the comfort zone more often.

I feel like this is just a cry for an advertisement for the Echoes retreat 2027 because I would totally do that. I just felt so safe last week at the retreat in the woods. I could write about sitting on a rock with my feet in the water running over my ankles talking to Hammer and Jen S and Sherri and letting the cool mountain air and rain smell regulate my nervous system for me. Talk about your comfort zone.

I could also write about not getting made fun of for breathing wrong by anyone at the retreat. No one comments on what I'm eating or how I'm eating or what I'm leaving on the floor too many times or how I can't eat without making a mess. I guess my standards for my comfort zone aren't very high.

Even when I speak and choose what I say carefully, I enjoy the feeling I get when people listen for listening sake like they are actually interested in what I have to say, instead of say, listening with the purpose of feeling like they have to listen to be a good person and later get rewarded with sex because he listened or watched something he didn't really want to listen to or watch but he did and so now I'm obligated do what he wants because that's what being a relationship is.

Comfort is a tricky line to walk when you've been in a relationship with an alcoholic and emotional abuser for a good chunk of your adult life. Speaking of walking lines, the ropes course was kind of a good analogy for comfort. On the high ropes course, you could get very comfortably locked in, stationary, balancing. The minute you move your feet you instantly don't trust yourself and it's over. Comfort gone. The more you don't trust yourself the more comfort you lose and the cycle continues. If I remembered to breathe and cope I could usually figure out how to keep moving forward fast enough to get to the next platform. Heart rate elevated, nervous system engaged, respiration rate elevated until both feet were on the platform. The platform is my comfort zone. Solid ground. Ground that doesn't move.

A partner that doesn't talk back and doesn't insult me. The similarities are frightening and I could keep going with this metaphor but it will expire very soon. If I didn't remember to breathe and calm myself, panic ensued and I would lose my balance and have to paddle like a duck's feet to get back up to a place where I could grab the lifewire, with deathly grip. The illusion of safety and comfort.

I am safe. I just don't think I am. I am respected. I just don't feel like I am 100 percent of the time. And that's a hard place to recover from. The cycle continues to churn whether you are aware of it or not.

The last time I was truly comfortable in my own home was the day that Cameron left for Tennessee for the day. It was quiet. I could be wherever in the house I wanted and could watch or do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted without regard for his reaction. That's not right. That's not a relationship, that's...I don't know what that is. Do I really just want to be that single? Did people just figure me out when I entered a relationship and I never was meant to be in one? I keep finding all of these other nice people in my life. Am I really just a person comfortable enough with people at a distance? The difference between them and Cameron is I don't have to live with them. They are nice because they don't see me 24 hours a day. When I'm at my worst. I really just may be better off as a single person and that's my comfort zone. Then I can just have really good friends. Who said one has to be in a relationship to be happy? I hate that is the line they feed you when you become an adult. You're not a real adult until you get married and have kids and a 9 to 5 job. Well that is just bullshit.

My comfort zone is me, and my cat. Mix some friends up there. Mix some community up in there for purpose. Do I want to be single or do I just not want the same thing as Cameron? Until he's willing to have that conversation as an adult, I will never know. Until I am willing to have that conversation as an adult, I will never know. Dive in, take the bandaid off, head first. Except I do like my spine intact and upright. So I am cautious.