Idle time...

It seems so rare to have a weekend where I'm not working these days, that I don't know what to do with myself on the free ends of the weeks. I do love my job, but it is emotionally exhausting and I am finding more and more that I have trouble "unwinding" when I'm not at work. Like, I am always fearing that phone call that I did something wrong, or made a wrong decision, or didn't write something down, heaven forbid. I just feel that I can never quite relax. If I'm not thinking about work, then it's school, and what the next big step is. That's the problem with transitions. They take twice as much effort as the period before the transition. I just hope the effort is worth it. Lately I've been in quite the rut. What have you done to bust out of your ruts? How do you deal with stress at work?

HappyThankYouMorePlease

is a movie about happiness, sadness, loving, hurting, confusing, and much more. Seriously one of my new favorite movies about the condition of life's transitions and in particular the state of being a 20something. Doesn't hurt that it's written by Josh Radnor, the co-star of the movie and HIMYM. And it's a Sundance Film, so it has to be good right? I watched this and it blew me away. I have to get the monologue that the Malin (sp?) character performs on the phone to an answering machine in this scene. The speech begins at the 5:14 mark. Seriously worth quoting and putting up on my bathroom mirror as an affirmation.



It's available on Netflix as a DVD. Not sure if it's available as an instant stream.

Favorite Quote of the movie for the moment:

Sadness be gone, let’s be people who deserve to be loved, who are worthy, cause we are worthy.

Just thoughts, and an invitation to share your own...

My quote of the week is something like “Please at least PRETEND to listen to me, folks. It will do you some good.” Help me to prove that I am worth something in this school. I am a student. I am not a teacher. I am introvert in an extrovert's world. I was trained as a teacher, but there is no way I would ever do that job again. I enjoy being an assistant most days; this bothers me greatly. I am ready to move on. I am ready to move up, but where do I go from here? I will ignore the fact that I am just like the student that told me today that he sucks at writing and gave up. I had nothing to tell him. I tell myself that I suck at everything ALL THE TIME. It's time to make a change. It’s a common story, more common that imagined for most late twenty-some things. I find myself quite frequently accepting less than I know students can do out of pure frustration, and I’m unhappy with myself for it. This is one of the many reasons I will never be a teacher. It is also one of the many reasons I am looking toward nursing school or physician’s assistant school more and more.

It’s that time of year folks. It’s the time of year for reflection. It’s the time of year that all perfectionists and idealists reflect and come to the conclusion that we can all do that much better. We set lofty goals for ourselves and others. We harp on ourselves and others. We bitch and moan. We take it out on others at holiday gatherings. I don’t know about anyone else, but I’m dreading my family gatherings because of this very reason. I already tell myself that I haven’t accomplished shit this year, so I don’t want to hear it from anyone else. In anticipation of this, I turn inward and start criticizing myself. I realize of course that this defeats the whole spirit of the holiday. I hate giving gifts because I can never find the “perfect” gift. Does this sound familiar? I hate starting conversations because I don’t want to tell others what I’ve been up to this year for fear of the compare game. You know the drill. “You’ve been doing X with him?” “I’ve changed the world. What have you done this year?” You know the compare game well, if you haven’t participated already in some form or another.

I challenge myself and all of you to get out of your own head this holiday season. To do this, I have to sometimes disconnect from the world. I have to forget that I have a close friend teaching English at a Chinese University, and another friend writing India’s first draft of a child abuse law, overseas, before heading to South Africa. I have countless friends finishing their fifth year of teaching, and I quit mid-year of my first. I have to let go of this. But how? I have to lobotomize myself to the fact that I have been out of college for over five years already, and I’m not married at *gasp* almost twenty-eight years of age. IT DOESN'T MATTER. At the heart of my being I know this. At the heart of my being I know that I’m worthy of praise and love even if I haven’t completed a full year of teaching anywhere or have no savings account to speak of.

Those things, material things, will come much later. I have my health and good friends, and that is all that is important. Instead of giving my parents my Samantha American Girl doll so they will shut up about grandchildren, I will calmly point out that I do things on my own schedule, when I please and be OK with that. I am done pleasing other people. It is time to please myself. Then maybe I can go and make a real difference.

To those in helping professions and tend toward a perfectionist and idealist side to their work: What helps you cope? What gets you through the day? How do you prevent compassion fatigue? How do you keep from dwelling on the negative? Thoughts welcome.

I will do it by telling myself and others that I've made a small difference this year, and I won't elaborate, no matter how much I want to. I relocated to a new city ALL BY MYSELF three years ago and have survived almost THREE Minnesota winters BY MYSELF. I will be kind to myself. I have finished additional coursework and am on the way to a Master's Degree. I will make it overseas one day. I will stay positive. That IS good enough. No questions asked.

Identity and Music (one where I don't really say anything important)

I haven't posted at all in sometime, and the last post I said I would post about the phenomenon of the quarter-life crisis that plagues me and many twenty-somethings today. I don't know that I have much of an update on that right now, but in flipping through my iTunes library tonight after a perfectly perfect Saturday of getting my hair colored and cleaning my closet I came across that perfect song that captured so many of these feelings of angst that have run through me for so long. Plus, I just love Nellie McKay. I know on my other blog, we are celebrating the identity crisis. Well, this is just that, only not my own. I will come up with my own. Until then, here's a taste of hers.

"Change The World"

I wake up
I am bored
To my pictures I implore
Should I go or stay
What should I be today
Make a leap
Go to sleep
Should I cry or should I weep
Where should I go from here
Am I hetero or queer
Oh, self discovery
What joy it is
I need recovery
Caffeinated fizz
Should I run
Should I hide
Happy pill or suicide
Contribute or refute
Have a kid
Then call it cute
Oh, self -esteeming, in suburbia
My shelf is teeming
A pet named Chia

[chorus]
Oh what should I say
What should I pray
Who would care if I went ahead
And punched the wall
Oh what do I care
What should I wear
What do I care
What does it matter
If I change the world at all

I listen to some rap
I give myself a slap
Come on use the pain
Drink up from the rain
Just arise unsupervised
Healthy wealthy you know wise
Dance around
Make a sound
Let yourself become unwound
God, I'm so German
Have to have a plan
Please Ethel Merman help me out this jam
Ding a ling
Ring a ding
Anything just do something
Feelin' dense
On the fence
Civil disobedience
Come on now's the hour
Go and deviate
Can't you feel the power
Hope you appreciate

[chorus]

OK Dr. Phil
Ready for my pill
Flex my psychic muscle
Guess we'd better hustle
People are dying now
Do something you ugly cow
Sorry for myself again
Me, my wallet and my men
Jesus I love you
Frank I love you, too
Hit the road together
Get out of the zoo
No exit
Just a pit
Apocalyptic and a zit
Hurry now
Pack your bags
Adieu you mall scallawags
Got my sneakers velcroed
Snap my bookbag on
Goodbye little zipcode
How can I go wrong

[chorus]

What does it matter
If I change the world at all