Aimee Carty- Child Again (Official Lyric Video)

Y'all. She did it. Again. This young singer/songwriter has me in tears and never ceases to amamze me. Beautiful. 

750 words repost

 THE DAY'S WORDS

I only have eight more TPS (ok, EL-TPCs reports to lock and I am so proud of myself.

I sat on these for months becuase they are so tedious. But now that EOCs are near and I have to do them, I will do them but I will complain about them every step of hte way. Ugh.

I'm so glad they are almost done.

They just suck. There is no way to make this task fun.

No way.

I'm at a bar, listening to Matt and Sherri on Youtube. And that's the irony.

It is how I relax.

They are talking about intamacy.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EaJ25Ao5J5E

Matt published an article titled, "Her Touch," on SoberandUnashamed.com. The article exposes a new aspect of sex and intimacy that Sheri and Matt have never discussed, and Matt is super anxious about it. Anxiety is a universal expression of fear, and we are not immune even after years of vulnerability.

He said he was upset that no one commented, but it was it was a touchy subject so naturally I'm going to read it and comment.

https://mattsalis.medium.com/her-touch-sober-and-unashamed-96cd2ae5dd6f
My comment to him:

I'm sorry you didn't get much engagement from your touch article. It is a very delicate subject, but I read it and it did resonate with me. Thank you for being your authentic self once again and showing that it is possible to be authentic and connection-driven without substance use. It's a phenomenon that my loved one still hasn't clung to but that which I crave and have had to cling to in other areas of my life.

Good things:

1. Esra telling me that my class in 6th period was the first class she was authentically able to speak English in all day. (How sad for, her, but yay I'm doing something right, right?!)

2. Aaron writing his reading reflection telling me that he didn't read but he did look up cures for his sprained wrist and how worried his is about it that he can't play baseball this season. It's not good he hurt his wrist. It is good that he is OK communicating this with me in writing in English.

3. Mauricio checking out another animal book at the library.

4. Pixar movie shorts with 11th/12th Grade. We should all watch Pixar shorts.

5. Renee Westlake. Seriously. Breath of fresh air. She believes in all of us and loves her job. Loves all of our jobs. I love all of my interactions with this woman.

6. Ms. Krishna. I told her my students think of her as mom and this overjoyed her. She is also the second person in school I opened up to about Cameron's addiction. And I didn't mean to. She was sitting on my TPS reports and I felt bad for outing her. I had to open up with humanity first. She felt bad and opened up about being overwhelmed. It seemed appropriate. She mentioned not communicating with her husband. Not knowing what 10am looks life in real life becuase where are we all at 10am. She mentioned not living life. Being here until 4, going home, grading and planning, coming back and repeating the cycle. She hit me in MY feels. She mentioned not seeing her husband. I mentioned the same. I mentioned not WANTING to see my partner. Not feeling seen. She said she loved her husband. I said I didn't like my partner. She said she loved her husband but he made her feel like a child. She actually said he told her he wasn't her father and she needs to grow up. I wondered about that for a second and thought about everything I talked about in therapy and family group. I said my partner was in addiction and mental health treatment. She said I just needed to love him more. What? That is what you are not supposed to say. I said I was doing my work and he was doing his. I said I couldn't love him sober. She agreed. And then her kids started coming in for after school tutoring and she started introducing them to me one by one. She cares. She's one of the good ones. But we are both lacking so much connection it isn't funny. She needs to be back in India. I need to fly out of the country so bad.

7. Going the alternative route today. Throwing out my plans. Going to check out books and read them. Going on a scavenger hunt to find red and blue things and take pictures of them around the school. Authentic conversations.

8. Emily Gibson walking into my room 5th and seeing my and her students hanging out an eating lunch. Maybe she will see how I connect. I know she so desperately wants to connect. And I want her to. But she's so young and she wants to so badly connect with our kids but also wants to play the authority card. And there's a way to play both. And I'm so glad she stopped by today. She needs to experience adult converation and I need to experience connection with her. Maybe I am doing her a favor. Maybe I'm doing my students a favor by connecting with her. I gave her my personal phone number! She is so academic right now and not real people focused. I think it's good for people like Ambar and Sofiia to see that I can have conversations with people I don't really get along with...

Alcoholism in Movies, Musicals, and Media

 I should start a video series but this would be my first one. 

https://youtu.be/DMS18ShVrZw?si=IuSbzvTlx1cQL8vv

For sure. 

He was a complete basatard!
I hated the sod for thirty three year,
we should never have married of that i'm quite clear,
he spent the housekeeping money on whiskey and beer and never lifted a finger.

times were hard,but the slime rolled back pissed,
so we'd fight and he'd swing and he rarely missed,
so i clobbered the sod when he couldn't resist, asleep you can't lift a finger,

but we'd go dancing, and he'd hold me tight,
he was air, he was water, he was breath, he was light,
and he would hold me there with all his might and it was bliss for an hour or so,
but then they called time to go, and in the morning we were sober.

oh he'd drink and he'd talk just like a fool,
lie like a bairn, snore like a mule,
rarely was sober pretty much was the rule and he never lifted a finger,

i suppose times were hard,things were different then,
women were women and men, they were men,
seventeen, that was it,your life ended when you had a ring around your finger

but we'd go dancing, he was my own brando,
and for a moment there my heart was aglow,
we had dust on our hair and nowhere to go,
but we were free for an hour or three,
from the people we had to be,
but in the morning, we were sober,

but if i went through my time again oh i'd do without the help of men,
well at least your grandad but then again you know best not to linger,

what is the use of dreaming now,
i had my chance well anyhow,
if i'd only know then what i know now,
i'd have given them all the finger.

and gone dancing,
and not give a shit,
spin around and reel and love every bit,
and i'd dance alone and enjoy it, andi'd be me for and entire life,
instead of somebody's wife,
and i never would be sober.

Last Update: June, 10th 2013

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The best laid plans...

 We all have plans - plans for ourselves, plans for our families, plans for our careers, and plans for our most important relationships. The funny thing about plans is that in order to ensure their fulfillment we need a level of control that humans just don't possess. So maybe more important than having plans is having the acceptance and inner peace to be OK regardless of the outcomes of life.

Please write about a situation that has not turned out as you planned. You don't have to write about the glaring, obvious situation, but you can. And you don't have to write about your acceptance of outcomes in the past tense like you have always had everything figured out. You can write about how you are learning to accept outcomes in the present and future.

The best laid plans often go awry very quickly in alcoholic relationships. 

I didn't even know I was in an alcoholic relationship until it was too late. 

I had such plans of teaching abroad after my MA Applied Linguistics degree. 

I had such plans of NOT teaching with the public school system of GA. Any public school system in the United States. At the time, I was going with the knowledge that C had supported us through my Master's degree and I wanted to support his wishes. His wishes were NOT traveling. But he kept telling me I could teach wherever I wanted to. And I wanted to go abroad but I didn't want to disappoint him. So I applied to be a substitute teacher with the local school district. And then I got hired at the local charter school. And talk about not going as planned. I hated every moment of that year. But my fifth graders that year are my seniors in high school this year and I don't feel any different about teaching public school. It's soul-sucking. I didn't listen to my gut then and I'm not listening to my gut now. 

But I am closer to knowing what I want. 

And I want out of this country. 

I don't know where, but I know I want out. 

No more FUCKS to GIVE (An Echoes of Recovery Post)

 Please think of a real, actual situation you experienced. Please tell the story adding one little twist: tell what would have happened had you participated in the story 100% authentically and vulnerably with no f&*#@s left to give. What would you have done or said? What reaction or response would you have received? How would you have reacted to that response?

The story can be about your relationship with your alcoholic, but it doesn't have to be. We all have challenging relationships with family, friends, neighbors and coworkers to draw from as well.

For some of us, this might be a totally nonfiction story. For many others, you will have to imagine the scenario had you approached a real life situations with no f&%@!s left to give.

I really do have no more fucks to give. 

I like to say that out loud, but I don’t live by the motto. 

Usually by the time it comes down to brass tacks I think better and do give a fuck and actually do what I’m supposed to do and am resentful about it. 

To think of an actual situation is going to take time though.         

I could say every day lately when I come home from work or from where ever I’ve been and C shuts me out and ignores me and doesn’t even say “hi” or “how was your day?” I could say no, I have no more fucks to give about that. But I’d be lying. I could say I have no more fucks to give about the state of his recovery, because I know I can’t control it. 

And I know I have no right to have fucks to give about his behavior around the house but I do because it affects me. 

I have no more fucks to give because I literally cannot give any fucks anymore. If I did have fucks to give I would confront him and say 

FUck it I have no more fucks to give about this prompt right now and just want to watch mindless YouTube vids and color! I’ll be back later in the week to write something more substantial. 

What are you holding onto? That part of you is dead. (An Echoes of Recovery Post)

As we drove down my neighborhood street on a recent Sunday morning, I noticed a tree that still had all of its leaves on it. Sheri said it was a Japanese Maple. I don't know, but it sure looked silly with all of those brown, lifeless leaves in the middle of January. I said out loud to the tree, "What are you holding onto? That part of you is dead."

How would you answer that question? Please write about it.

What am I holding on to? 

I am holding on to

A lot of things 

I am holding on to 

My youth 

It's easy to say I'm holding on the part of me that wants everything to be OK 

I'm holding on to 

You 

I am holding on to the ability to tell myself that everything will be OK. 

I am holding on to me. 

I am holding on to my sanity. 

I am holding on to my serenity. 

I am holding on to my ability to cope 

With everything. 

I am holding on to the idea that life is the same as it was before we met 

I am holding on to the idea that we will be able to travel freely again 

I am holding on to the idea that people will be allowed to be themselves. 

I am holding on to the idea that if I didn't want to be a woman anymore, I could be any gender I wanted to be. 

I am holding on to the idea that the next generation will be alright. 

I am holding on to a lot of ideas. 

Oy. 

I am holding on to the space where Ariana Grande can play the good witch AND have tattoos. 

I am holding on to the idea where my voice means the same as an immigrant 17 year old's and we are both safe. 

I am holding on to the space where I am able to tell my alcoholic but not recovered partner everything and have him tell me everything will be OK. 

I am holding on to the idea that I have a voice. 

I am holding onto the idea that I MATTER. 

I am holding onto hope. 

I know hope is dead. 

I know January is a long month. I am holding on to January. 

I am holding space for my newly arrived to the country students. 

I am even holding space for the loud-mouthed Brazilian teenagers that just love life and hate reading. Even if they told me to day that non-binary people don't exist. They are young and uneducated. 

I am holding on to the space and idea that the education system works for everyone in this country. I know it does not. 

It doesn't even work for me and I am the teacher. 

I am holding on to the idea that Pigma Micron pens make me feel better about life. 

I am holding on to the idea that journaling is theraputic. 

I am holding on to the idea that I can make a difference even though I've been told I don't. 

I've been holding on to the idea that I can have a relationship where I am heard. 

I have been holding on to the idea where I can have a relationship where I am seen and felt deeply and emotionally. 

I am fool for holding on to this idea. 

That part of me is definitely dead. 

https://750words.com/stats/RockstarTeacher2024/cJB-0cTrM1Wfep3c5yje

Difficult Conversations: An Echoes of Recovery Post and Brainstorming

Please think about a conversation you are dreading. Please write two scripts for how the conversation might go. One of the scripts should be your best case scenario where the person with whom you are communicating is a good listener, maintains emotional safety, and offers the feedback you are hoping to receive. The other script should be the worst case scenario.

Remember, you can't control another human's reaction, but you can control how you respond to their reaction.

The conversation does not need to be with your alcoholic partner, but it can be. It can even be a conversation with a previous alcoholic partner with whom you no longer communicate. It can just as effectively be a conversation with a different family member, a coworker, a neighbor, etc. The "who" is not the point. Preparing for a challenging conversation from all angles is the idea here. Maybe preparation will bring you a step closer to feeling ready to initiate the conversation.

Ideas for conversations: 

1. Are you aware you were taking advantage of me financially for 7+ years? 

2. Are you in true emotional sobriety? 

3. Why do I feel like an adolescent around you? 

4. Did you truly gaslight me into teaching in the states 7 years ago? 

5. Are we ever going to to be able to travel again? 

6. Why do I feel like you run every show?