Visualizing the Summit

 The writing prompt for next Wednesday's sessions is: Can't See the Summit

Hiking in Colorado, we usually start the hike without being able to see the top of the mountain, the destination. That can feel daunting - so much so that sometimes it keeps people from making the climb. What is something in front of you that's so large, such a fundamental change, and you can't see the summit, so you stay at the bottom, looking up, thinking, dreaming, and promising yourself that someday you'll start climbing? It can be anything, related to alcoholism and emotional safety, or not. Please visualize the assent, and write about it. Plan all the steps, anticipate the false summits, think about the supplies you'll need. It's always easier to start a hike if you've already summited the mountain through visualization.

There is so much of this journey that I can not see. The thing that comes to mind now is what to do next part of my journey. I can not see the end, so I just stop. Give up. I know I deserve emotional safety at all costs. I don’t know what to do when I don’t get that at home. From my partner. I don’t know what to do when requiring something from my partner that he has no ability to give, because I assume that he does have the ability to give and is either choosing not to or doesn’t know he needs to at this time, because I have always accepted what he has given. I need to expect more parts that I can not see the top of. I have always dreamed of a career that is not in K-12 education. Something else. 

Non-teaching, non-caregiving, communicating with people but something out there. I can’t tell if I’ve always done it because he wanted me to or if that is what society expected of me. I start the journey. I started applying to other jobs, like the state-department fellowship overseas. The application opens in September. I am going to fill it out this year. I have in past years, but it seemed too daunting so I stopped; I put my white flag in the ground and I surrendered to the gods of alcoholic thinking in the house. We can’t afford this, he would always say. 

You need a job with stable income, stable insurance. If you do that, I’ll get a job making more money and that will come without insurance so one of us will need to have a steady stable job while one of us earns more doing contract work. He’s never applied to higher paying jobs. He’s scared to leave. We are both scared to leave the comfort of what we know. I think he is more than me. I want to branch out, try something new, but something is holding me back. Has it always been him? Has he been the voice of reason or the voice of negativity and stifled opportunities? I have tried having job conversations with him, they are circular. They don’t go anywhere. I’m afraid to stand up to him and share my concerns and true feelings. 

I have a plan. I’m going to apply to a few of the virtual gigs on the state department website here: 

https://elprograms.org/virtual-educator-program/

I know the director of that program, she was my supervisor in graduate school. That’s an advantage. I can do a few of the evening programs that last a few hours a few nights a week after school this year. That won’t disrupt my income from my day job and will give Cameron nothing to complain about. Other than that I'm not spending enough time with him at night but he never wants to spend time with me at night anyway. My foot will be in the door when I want to apply to the longer term gigs with the same program overseas. 

https://elprograms.org/fellow-program/

It opens in September. It’s a long process with lots of steps. I don’t plan on telling anyone until I’ve made it to the last rounds and plans have to be made to leave. That’s a harder conversation with Cameron. My income should be the exact same as I’m making now. I can still financially contribute to the home. I just won’t BE home for a year. I have no idea how I’m going to have that conversation. This is the summit I’m climbing but can’t see the top of yet. How do I tell him I’m unhappy with a few aspects of life without him convincing me I’m not. This is more of a me thing than a him thing. I’m the one gaslighting myself, telling myself I’m happy, going along with life, until I get so resentful and hurt at myself and at the world that I want something more. I settled for this suburban life long ago because it’s something that the world pushes on us. Settle down, get yourself a mate, kids, pets, cars, a job, and you have achieved something in life. When I keep coming back to it, that’s just not true and the summit is higher for me. 

I’ll apply to these programs this year and that will be the start. The summit is not in sight; I have no idea where this will lead, but it is the next approachable step. That may be all that’s in me to write and think about today. 

There was so much of me that I hid from the summit of my dreams during my alcoholic partnership and there is still so much that is hidden. I’m starting to peak out and see the summit, but it’s still cloudy. It’s there, it’s just not visible.