Blast from the past

Every now and then, as you readers know, I like to pull out old journals and record my thoughts and reactions to them. Tonight is no different, and I've chosen to pull out journals from student teaching, in light of my recent (and let's face it) ongoing career sqabbles that have reared their ugly heads as of late. This entry is dated October 4th, 2004. My god has it been over five years since I completed student teaching already? Dear GOD!

I write:

It's amazing too how many different positions six year olds can find to sit. Just amazing. Is it wrong of me to be annoyed when I see five pairs of feet in the air?

To which my supervisor reading writes in response:

(Smiley face) No, Perfectly Natural! (Janneke, if you are reading this, I hope you are well and I miss your humor, insight, and encouragement...)

I continue to write:

I mean, what comes next? I never considered myself picky, but but a little consistency goes a long way. I am learning that it is important to be firm about my expectations and don't withdraw them under any circumstances.

Then, in a different color, on the same day, I write more:

Behavior management is still a weakness...I know my kids are testing me like the water in a pool now that their teacher is out of the room full time and I know that means I must stay consistent...trouble is, I don't. I have no reason why, but when it comes down to releasing a consequence, I ALWAYS hesitate. And never actually give one. I always justify it with some excuse, which usually gets put back on me. I think, "I didn't give a warning," or "My directions weren't clear enough." Ultimately, I don't want to face the consequences of giving consequences, if that makes any sense at all.

To which my supervising professor replies:

It does. (She gets me.)

I continue:

Which brings me to my next point: Self-criticism and doubt. This will ultimately be my downfall in this profession. It'll be the reason I decide to back out eventually. I find myself questioning, doubting, every decision I make in the classroom and planning lessons. Not good. Part of my stress this semester has been put on by me and me alone from hours of agonizing over plans and writing and rewriting them, only to completely re-do them when I put them into practice. I often have fears of "everything I do/know is wrong" and/or "people are thinking I'm a horrible person and why should I teach their children?

They're not pleasant thoughts, but they run through my mind every now and then and its all I can do to keep them from invading and taking over. Because they do, and I can't think of anyway to stop them. Better go prepare for tomorrow, and I don't have time to be creative.

Oh my goodness was I right on in the prediction. I found myself wrestling with a lot of these management issues and consequence issues this semester while teaching first graders after school. And my self-doubt has, if I may say so, grown worse. What does one do in a situation where no personal or professional growth has taken place in five years?

I suppose if I had supportive mentors during my first year teaching I could ask them about consequences without feeling judged like my job was on the line, which ultimately, it was. Why does all of this seem so painful, even now? Why can't I confide in anyone even now about such issues?

The only thing keeping me sane now is the fact that I have less responsibility teaching than I ever did, and I must say, I will remain an assistant for quite a while. I think I'm OK with that. Even if I were to switch fields, the self-doubt will still continue to plague me in ways that I can't imagine.

How does one deal with such a situation?

How have you readers faced your own doubts about life and the future?

Do you have similar situations in your own career paths that will eventually cause you to stall in professional growth?

Please discuss as much as you feel comfortable with.

Job Search Update

1. Completed narrative responses (essays) for Minnesota Reading Corps application and submitted it, along with the reference form link to the appropriate people. I applied for the family liaison position, because it was something that I felt I had a strong passion for but need more experience communicating with families if I am to become a successful reading specialist when the time is right.

2. Phone interview with Fraser School people for PCA positions went well, though it was only a screening interview lasting 20 minutes. Pretty sure they just wanted to make sure I had valid experience and wasn't crazy. I hope I hear from their next point person in HR next week, or I will be calling very soon.

3. Never heard back from the infant room at the St. Paul Jewish Community Center, and I'm not sure I will. I didn't have a great interview, and the director was looking for someone with more infant experience. Pretty sure I bombed the question where she asked me what I would do with a group of infants at floor time. I have to do something with them? Not just lay them on their tummies and roll a ball back and forth? Oops. Moving on.

4. Upcoming: Thursday interview at Bright Horizons, back up day care center in Woodbury. Not sure what they are looking for. I suppose I will find out. I can do anything, because I have mad skills! I can teach infants, toddlers, pre-schoolers, kinders, and beyond. Yes I can.

5. Also, I'm getting really antsy that I have not heard from any of the school district positions I have applied for yet. I know they have a lot of applications to weed through, and I know it's a slow process, but it still makes me nervous. I applied three weeks ago, and I am qualified here, people! I can do this! Just give me a change to prove my stuff. Enough said.

6. I feel like there are more positions off the Minnesota Council of Non-Profits website that I've applied for, I just don't feel like listing at the moment. I shall update them at a later date. Job searching is a full-time job, and I'm exhausted. Good thing tomorrow is Labor Day. It's one more day I can't call to follow up on any of my leads! Oh joy!

Learning to love my life after AmeriCorps

For the past three weeks, I have been substitute teaching at day care centers around my area as a way to make a few extra dollars while figuring out my next big move. It's not the most glamourous work out there, nor is it the cleanest. I have been spit on, peed on, bitten, clawed, tugged, pooped on, and the list goes on from there. Sure, there are the moments when you get to actually play with children, but those are few and far between. I can't help but think this whole thing would be easier if I just got up and moved to another country. Even if I was working the daycare scene, it would be OK because I would be in FRANCE. Or Spain. Or England. Well, you get the picture.

I've had such a great two years in AmeriCorps it seems like doing this is such a let down from that. I'm not growing or challenging myself in the ways I need to be productive. But at the same time I am in school again, and that feels good.

Does any one have any tips for surviving this transitional stage of my life? What next? Can anyone relate? Share your stories now. Was there a time in your life when you thought you were being stifled creatively in your career? What did you do about it? I'd like to hear from the HUB world about finding your dream job.

Let her rip!

Day care is day care

But I feel like day care would be better if it were in a new land. Why can't I get up and go to, say, Italy, and take care of babies? That would certainly put a brand new spin on things, would it not?