Songs for Recovery: An Echoes

The writing prompt for next Wednesday's sessions is: What song moves you (or gets you moving)?

Music can be such a vital part of our recovery and discovery progress. Sometimes the lyrics of song sound like they were written specifically about our situation. Other times the rhythm or beat or cadence or melody or chorus of a song stirs something inside of us. For this week's prompt, please pick a song that is important to you, and tell us why. Is there inspiration in the lyrics? Does the song lift you up and help remind you that you are going to be OK? And you don't have to narrow this to one song. Please share about several songs if several songs are important to you.

7 minute prompt

The term, "recovery," is a little misleading, I think. Recovery insinuates that we are going back to status from the past (like when you recover the data from a hard drive). The fact is that anyone who successfully recovers from the alcoholism of a loved one is a new and different version of themself. Who would want to go back to being that person who was susceptible to gaslighting, denials, and manipulation? We want to move forward.

Please write about a story from your recent past that shows where you are going moving forward. Maybe you had a positive interaction with someone. Maybe you were calm in a situation that previously activated your nervous system. Maybe you pursued something with a sense of determination not previously available. Maybe your story goes in a different direction entirely. Please tell us a story that points you in a certain direction for the future.

While I agree with the idea that recovery is misleading, that we have to move forward to discover who we are, I think recovery is sometimes an appropriate term because we do have to look to the past to correct the mistakes an painful instances in order to move forward. 

While I'd like to believe that we are not living in the past, we have to try actively and assertively NOT to live in the past, I am a new and different person everyday. How am I a new and different person everyday? 

I'm not sure. But I do know that last weekend, one weekend I had free, I chose to drive to Chattanooga BY MYSELF so I didn't have to sit and do nothing in the house with a partner that chooses to be miserable. While I was pretty miserable Friday, I can accept that he is NOT doing the work while I am. As frustrated as that makes me, I do have to believe that I can not change him. Only he decides that he gets to do the work. And if it's been two years and he's still choosing to be miserable, I have do something with that information. If it's leave town and protect my emotional safety for the weekend, that is what I will do. 

Some will say I'm avoiding the truth. Some will say I'm procrastinating. I did end up calling a lawyer "just in case" last weekend. I haven't done anything with that information besides just let it sit with me, but I guess I'm at piece with the knowledge that I did it. 

Another way I have move forward is that I know now everything that comes out of his mouth may be a form of manipulating me into doing what he wants to do. And while I don't have any control over that, I don't have to blindly follow that shit show. I can walk away. While I know that standing up to it and calling it out will only end in him projecting back at me, I know I can walk away at any time. 

And I know that specificity makes writing better, but for now I'm going to leave things vague. I think I've grown forward by knowing that I don't have to act right away. That I can sit with things and let them stew. That I can move at my own pace. I do reach out for help with safe people. That there is no such thing as perfect though I don't always practice but always come around to realizing. We are all works in progress. 

Set the Record Straight: Another Echoes Post

 The writing prompt for today's sessions is: Set the Record Straight

A hallmark universalism of being the loved one of an alcoholic is remembering things differently from the recollection of your drinker. Sometimes you are told your memory is incorrect because the drinker really does have an alcohol-warped memory that is cloudy and hazy and simply untrue, or at least different. Sometimes you are told your memory is incorrect because your drinker is in denial, and while your drinker might not remember, they tell you that you are wrong as a knee-jerk deflection or denial, because your version of the truth conflicts with the person the drinker wants to be. The conflicting memories cause further trauma above and beyond the traumatic events you lived through.

This is your chance to set the record straight, maybe not with your drinker, but in a clear and written out permanent record. Please take one (or two or three) incident from your swirling and painful memory, and set the record straight. Tell what happened, how you showed up and tried to limit that damage, and the resulting aftermath. Put it in writing. This prompt is less about us learning your dark secrets, and more about you getting the pain out of your head and into a written form where you truth can live for you to reference anytime you need a reminder of the facts.

​Free yourself. Write about it. Set the record straight.

Comparisons: An Echoes Writing Prompt

 No matter what your situation, you can surely think of other people who have it worse. Is that comparison holding you back? Or did it in the past? Please write about how comparisons to other either used to, or still do, prevent you from making the next right move.

It's the controlling for me

 Came home from family group. 

C was in the kitchen, frying plantains. 

I said hello. 

He told me we have chicken thighs. I said OK. 

He told me he was only going to use soy sauce and ginger to cook them. It would be an experiment. 

The air frier is new as of yesterday. 

He kept commenting about how cheap the thighs were. All of this for $6. 

I said OK. 

He then asked me if I wanted to cook the chicken. 

I instictively sick of his shit said "I don't want to cook here where you're going to tell me 20 things I did wrong." 

And I said I need to decompress from the day. 

I needed go upstairs. 

I didn't ask him to cook. I said I didn't want to. 

I went upstairs to close the door. 

And listen to music and crochet alone. 

He screams upstairs that I locked the cat out. 

I let her in. 

20 min go by and he comes upstairs, opens the door and tells me that he does not want the chicken, and that if I'm not going to eat it he's going to throw it out. 

Who does that? 

He just bought it today. 

Raw chicken thighs. 

I said I may not cook it today but I will cook it tomorrow. I know he goes to aftercare group tomorrow and I will have the kitchen to himself so he can't point out my 100 mistakes while cooking the chicken. 

He doesn't like that answer, but goes downstairs. 

I know he wanted me to come downstairs so he could rant at me about his day. 

He doesn't care about what I have to say about anything anymore. I don't live in an equal partnership and I don't feel heard. 

I spoke my truth by saying "I don't want to cook the chicken now so you can point out what I'm doing wrong." 

Fuck me though if this isn't what it's like being in the aftermath of an alcoholic relationship. 

If I do go down and cook the chicken now that he isn't there he's just going to complain that I didn't clean properly. 

I'm so done. Soo SOO done. 

I'm so done being controlled. 

She used to be mine

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N2sow2WYQNQ&list=RDN2sow2WYQNQ&index=1

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Addiction and alcoholism robbs you of your ability to see you. The you you used to be. Does it not? Is there a reason I cry everytime I listen to this song? 

I'm not pregnant and don't intend to be. 

but messy and kind? 

I don't recognize me? 

thst place and its patrons have taken more than I've gave them (school and home) 

I'm imperfect and I try 

I am good 

But lie 

I am hard on myself 

I am broken and won't ask for help 

I am messy and I am kind 

I am lonely most of the time 

I am the partner of an alcoholic of 13 years. 

I am gone 

I used to be me. 

[Verse 1]
It's not simple to say
That most days I don't recognize me
That these shoes and this apron
That place and its patrons
Have taken more than I gave them

[Verse 2]
It's not easy to know
I'm not anything like I used to be
Although it's true
I was never attention's sweet center
I still remember that girl

[Chorus]
She's imperfect, but she tries
She is good, but she lies
She is hard on herself
She is broken and won't ask for help
She is messy, but she's kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up
And baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone, but she used to be mine

[Verse 3]
And it's not what I asked for
Sometimes life just slips in through a backdoor
And carves out a person
Who makes you believe it's all true
And now I've got you

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Cognitive Dissonance: Echoes of Recovery April 23 Discussion Writing

 Cognitive dissonance doesn't really occur between two people. The term describes one individual holding two different beliefs about the same situation. But I want to use the idea to prompt us to write. Have you been in a situation where the facts, the truth, the situation seems so clear and tangible to you, but your partner sees it or saw it in a completely different way? This can be particularly challenging when you otherwise respect your partner's intelligence and instincts. But in this one case, you are dealing with or dealt with opposing realities.

Please write about how that made you feel. Did you doubt yourself? Did you worry about your partner? Did it cause conflict? Please try to remember a situation where the "cognitive dissonance" between the two of you was particularly acute. How did you deal with it in the moment, and what lessons could you now apply if you relived there situation?

Yes. All of this yes. Cognitive dissonance everyday allday. Do I doubt myself daily? Yes. Do I worry about him daily? Yes. Did it cause conflict, yes. This is what the disease has done to me. Daily. When I talk about and think about it on a practical level and a general level, yes, this disease is all about cognitive dissonance. For one, I don't think he thinks there's a problem in our relationship. I don't think he's experienced enough pain, and that's my first point of dissonance. I haven't done enough to make sure he knows that there is a problem. But there is. I don't feel good. I don't feel fufilled. Sure he may not be drinking anymore, but is he happy? Does that affect my mood? You bet it does.

Let's talk about what happened in family group last week. I was crocheting. The group leader had her dog in the room. It isn't a therapy dog, but she's using it as a general support and mood booster. Daisy is cute. The group looks forward to her presence when it happens. As someone was sharing, the dog started attacking my yarn. I started fighting back. It was comical. I pulled she pulled. The owner got embarrassed and put her out, back in her crate upstairs. I felt bad. I felt bad for the group. I immediately shame spiraled. The group will be so mad at me. They love the dog. I shouldn't have tempted her. I shouldn't have brought my yarn. It was all my fault.

I know logically that this isn't what they were thinking. But this is what the disease of alcoholism has done to me. This is the reality I'm living in. I'm always guilty. If he had been there, in family group, he would have said it was my fault. I shouldn't have been crocheting, I should have been more present in the moment. I should have been more attentive to the dog. It is always my fault. Even when it isn't. I can't get out of that way of thinking. Is that cognitive disonance? Is it that I'm always thinking one thing about myself even if other people aren't thinking it? If they've said it once in anger or drunkeness it's truth. Well that's bullshit.

Cognitive dissonance is him doing laundry last night.

Hear me out.

One of his triggers is eating dinner on the couch while watching TV now. Its what we used to together during active addiction for him. He used to drink there. So now he eats upstairs and I eat downstairs. Lonely, but whatever. I cope.

But yesterday as he was cooking he asked me if I wanted to watch the show we'd been watching (THE PITT on HBO) while he folded the laundry.

Except I heard "Do you want to fold laundry while we watch the show." And I reacted. I shouldn't have reacted, but I reacted. WHY WOULD I WANT TO FOLD THE LAUNDRY.

SO he reacted.

I SAID I WOULD FOLD THE LAUNDRY DON'T GET SO UPSET.

But he used to tell me to fold the laundry all the time in active addiction. It's one of those behaviors I have resisted. I don't fold his laundry anymore. He used to get so upset when I wouldn't fold it the way he wanted me to. The "right" way. So I don't do it anymore.

Anyway. He folded the laundry standing up making me nervous while we watched the show, then finished dinner, ate upstairs and I ate later.

This is how we live now.

He thinks it's normal.

He doesn't have a problem with it.

I am left feeling as if I'm less than.

I shouldn't. But I do.

I haven't said this outloud to him.

For fear of a lot of things.

This is the prime example of cognitive dissonance, am I right?