Thursday, December 27, 2012

Dating adventures

It seems as though I have been juggling men lately, and am in a place where I hold the power to say “you are the weakest link. goodbye.” I’ve never been in that place before, so it’s a good feeling. Still, I’m not quite sure I like it. Who am I to cast off anyone I don’t deem fit to date me? I mean, we are all human. It’s such a shitty feeling to be rejected, and I hate when its done to me, so naturally I would hate doing it others. But the man I rejected yesterday (via text because he REFUSED to pick up the phone) was just not worth my time. If you are on a dating site people, be ready to date and not waste my time. Don’t say you are game to meet at 3pm when you have to work until 2pm.

You’ve lived in Atlanta for 7 years, you know how the traffic patterns are. Don’t call me at 3:30 saying traffic is awful. I don’t tolerate that shit. I deserve better. Don’t call with your windows open and sore throat so I can’t understand a word you are saying. And don’t get pissed when I cancel because I have to be somewhere else at 7pm. You said you’d be there at 3 and were 45 minutes late without a word until the 30-minute mark. I have the right to not give you a second chance. Dating is the one realm of life where you can fire someone for being them, after all.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Another UU song I intentify with, surprise surprise!

It seems I discover a new song I enjoy and that tells my story every time I attend a service at UUCA. This song is particularly powerful in describing my feelings around Christmas. Being raised UU and Athiest/Jewish  I don't particularly attach a single feeling to Christmas, and there are always a lot of expectations surrounding my feelings or how I should feel. As I get older, I find that these feelings diminish and I feel guitly for diminishing feelings. But being that this woman was raised UU, she seems to sum that up perfectly. Beautiful. Our choir director performed this solo during the offeratory at church and the entire congregation was in tears or goosebumps. Pretty powerful stuff.

Smell of the wood stove.
The weather's turned colder.
I stand in my old room.
It feels much the same.

I come here each year, though
I'm feeling much older.
The established routine
points to how things have changed.

Tell me, where is the old tree? They cut it down, I hear.
Tell me, where is the young girl? Gone for good, I fear.
Still we hold up our candles to the heavens and cheer.
It's glimmering, golden,
The same year to year
The candles, they glow in the chandelier.

We shoulder our burdens.
We sing all the carols.
We fall into old patterns.
We dig up old pains.

Still we try to preserve it,
the perfect illusion
in the hope that in the new year
we can turn a new page.

'Cause it won't last forever,
that much is clear.
It's an ever-shifting landscape,
this family we hold dear.
So we raise up our candles to the ones who aren't here.
It's glimmering, golden.
See them, my dear?
See how they shine from the chandelier....

We set the table
We drink all the eggnog
and we spin all the old songs
though the record is frayed.

We crowd around Grandpa
as he reads the stories,
though the grandkids are grown now
and are getting engaged.

Still we know it's the good life!
We laugh and we cheer
and we sing "holy holy" at the darkest time of year.
When we burn like the candles, for a moment it's real:
The world, it is golden,
sparkling and clear
like the world we behold in the chandelier,
the world we behold in the chandelier.


from The Chandelier, track released 29 November 2011
Photo: Karen Wiles
Mixing: Jeff Rolka
Mastering: Todd Herfindal

Monday, December 17, 2012

Good for a Monday!

Blue Boat Home: My Favorite UU Hymn

Blue Boat Home

Though below me I feel no motion
Standing on these mountains and plains
Far away from the rolling ocean
Still my dry land heart can say
I’ve been sailing all my life now
Never harbor nor port have I known
The wide universe is the ocean I travel
And the Earth is my blue boat home

Sun, my sail and moon, my rudder
As I ply the starry sea
Leaning over the edge in wonder
Casting questions into the deep
Drifting here with my ship’s companions
All we kindred pilgrim souls
Making our way by the lights of the heavens
In our beautiful blue boat home
I give thanks to the waves upholding me
Hail the great winds urging me on
Greet the infinite sea before me
Sing the sky my sailor’s song
I was born upon the fathoms
Never harbor or port have I known
The wide universe is the ocean I travel
And the Earth is my blue boat home
The wide universe is the ocean I travel
And the Earth is my blue boat home

I think I like this and identify with it so much because I have never really considered any place I’ve lived home. I am a traveler, and I do consider the earth my home. I don’t have a port, although Atlanta is where I currently reside, I still want to see so much of the world and do just see the world as my palace and resting point. There is still so much I want to see! I love this song. Listen to the lyrics while you read them, and you will gain so much more of the meaning, I promise.

Interesting Day

In attempt to be a little more open about my life, my dating world, and who I am, I will post the following:

Went to my “church” for service and social hour. I use the word church loosely. I love this congregation and all it stands for simply because it’s a non-churchy church that lets me believe what I WANT TO BELIEVE about God and/or His/Her existence. I love the people and their attitudes too. Always this overwhelming sense of positivity throughout the congregation. Can’t wait to sing for the Christmas pageant and generally do happy things with music. I also discovered a new hymn which I absolutely love and will post about in a later post.

After church I made a Target run, whipped up a bunch of Christmas crack chex mix for game night at same church, talked to one of my OKCupid matches on the phone (a first for us, as we’d previously been texting and it was the first actual voice-on-voice contact) and we were both very shy about the whole experience but warmed up fast and had a great conversation for 45 minutes before I had to meet another OKCupid match for coffee and conversation. The second match “date” was more of a conversation date, and we mostly talked about food in America and how bad it is for you and how the food industry in America is corrupt. He works at Whole Foods, has a Master’s degree in Accounting from DeVry and is originally from Morocco with a thick accent and a sore throat today. He lectured me on the health benefits of loose tea and why Whole Foods is a great company to work for. Two facts of which were previously known to me. Still, not writing him off yet, just not a lot of chemistry there initially. Way more chemistry with phone dude, as he’s been texting me all night.

Went to game night with the UUs and as always, had a fabulous time. These are MY people, from what I discovered over the past few months. I learned a complicated game with trains and learned that I’m bad at it, but had a good time anyway.

Also learned that every single UU is apparently on OKCupid, and took someone home and got roped into picking up her friend’s drunk boyfriend in Virgina Highlands. Reinforced the fact that I really need to practice saying no to people.

Didn’t get home until way after 10pm, and talked with someone else on OKCupid who I consider to be a good friend at best, as he will never make a long term partner due to his belief that Jesus Christ will save my soul. But he’s good to talk to and I enjoy the company of the men on the Internet, apparently.

I sit here and type this, realizing that I take the GRE on Wednesday and I JUST DON’T CARE how I do. It just doesn’t matter anymore. I will get into grad school somewhere, when the time is right. I’d like to not be living at home anymore, and I’d like for the Holidays to be over. I don’t want to go to work and make food for my 89-year-old deaf-as-a-stone client. But such is life. I will continue to muddle on.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

My journey

I swear this dating thing has changed my life. I can't tell if it's for the better or for the worse, but it is definitely changing. Sometime I wish I could go back to the days when everything was simple. Clean, and just dating. No sex, no dirty talk, and no complications. I like the feeling of being with someone, just because they like being with me and I like being with them. I like holding hands and cuddling, and just lying next to each other on a couch just because.

But it seem like modern dating is a little different. If you aren't religious, it seems like you are expected to shed your clothes, and do the nastiest of the nasty upon meeting, or you are considered a freak. It seems like you are not a sexual person because you don't want to have intercourse on the third date.

Yes, I think of myself as a sexual person. Yes, I do get turned on and sexually attracted to quite a variety of men. No, I don't want to do it with you right away. And no, that's not a bad thing. It doesn't mean I'm asexual and it doesn't mean I'm not attracted to you. There has to be someone out there that shares my feelings about this, right?

I recently went on a date (at least I think it was a date) with someone I met on a personals website. This man is a few years younger than me and has a physical disability. This is previously a category of men I considered off limits, and I started to see why. Over the course of our discussion over coffee, I began to realize that there was no physical or emotional chemistry there and it wasn't because of his disability. I realize now why I previously excluded the disabled community in my search for a life partner. If I tell this person that I don't have any feelings for him, I am afraid he will automatically qualify this and see it as a personal attack because of his disability.

But there are many reasons not to like someone, and a disability isn't one of them. I can not like someone because of their interests, lifestyle, or choice of clothing. And I can choose not to date them because I don't like these things, not because they have a physical disability. And I am not a bad person because of it. But I feel that this man would be offended if I chose not to see him any more because he would think it's because of a disability, when really, that has nothing at all to do with it.

But I just chose not to get involved with anything. And maybe it means I will have to do the fade away dance pretty soon so no one gets hurt. Haha. Dating is hard enough without a disability, and I get that he's been rejected so many times in the past by shitty people rejecting him for shitty reasons. While I don't want to be lumped in the group with shitty people, I don't wish to bring that kind of baggage into my life either. I want my life to be simple, which I guess is too much to ask. But I can search, right? I don't want his dating baggage to become mine, and I see that happening should I chose to spend more time with him. So there ya go.

So where do I go from here? I've been kind of depressed lately since realizing that  want to part of the non-religious dating scene without the sex. It puts me in a really odd category to date in, and makes the pool of available men even smaller than it previously was. I feel like I should have already done what I haven't and haven't done what I already have. I don't know where to go from here.

I really just want someone to know me. I want to be known. I know I stole that phrase from my last boyfriend, but it fits. He got me on many levels, but he didn't on so many more, and when it comes right down to it, he was really just horny and not willing to listen to my needs before he got his own met. A good friend, at most. Not a good life partner. So the search continues. The search for a compassionate, good, giving, and game partner for me to walk through life with continues. Follow me on my journey.

Saturday, December 8, 2012

This is going to be my holiday project

I love puppy chow and haven't made it in a long time, so I think this will be my contribution to every holiday event I am invited to this year! :)