Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Acting (Take II)

Hamlet

Tonight is the night that I attempt to get off-book with this. I am the other gravedigger. I've written my partner's lines in my finest American slang. The bard would be proud for sure.



Act Five

Scene One

Gravedigger: How the hell can she be buried HERE when she took her own life willingly?!?! Damn rich folk!

Other: I tell thee she is therefore make her grave straight. The coroner hath sat on her and finds it a Christian burial.

Gravedigger: Are you sure, you moron?

Other: Why, ‘tis found so.

Gravedigger: It must be because of some Latin phrase that I don’t know. But if I say it in Latin this bozo won’t know the difference. And if I explain myself he’ll think I’m even brighter than I think I am!

Other: Nay, but hear you, Goodman Delver---

Gravedigger: Oh shut up don’t you know it’s my turn to talk? This is what I think is going on here. If she had gone to the water, it’s bad. If the water comes to her, it’s good. It’s all a matter of interpretations. I really don’t know what I’m talking about, so I’ll add some fancy words here and my lesser half won’t know the difference!

Other: But is this law?

Gravedigger: YES! I forgot the name of it so I’ll make up some name like the quest law. That doesn’t sound that sophisticated, so I’ll but a crowner on it: Crowner’s Quest Law it is!

Other: Will you ha’ the truth on it? If this had not been a gentlewoman, she should have been buried out o’ Christian burial.

Gravedigger: AH! You’re starting to catch on! Give me my spade! There actually were now ancient Christians except for Adam.

Other: Was he a gentle man?

Gravedigger: Only the first to bear arms! (Of course he was, don’t you know anything you fool!)

Other: Why he had none.

Gravedigger: Are you crazy? Have you read the bible? You’re a heathen!

Other: Go to.

Gravedigger: Question for you now: What is he that builds stronger then either the mason, the shipwright or the carpenter?

Other: The gallows-maker, for his frames out last a thousand tenants.

Gravedigger: I like thy wit in good faith…you drive a hard bargain. You’re on the right track, but it’s not the gallows-maker. Try again.

Other: Who builds stronger than a shipwright, a mason, or a carpenter?

Gravedigger: Tell me now!

Other: Marry, now I can tell!

Gravedigger: Go on, tell away: Don’t make me wait any longer!

Other: Mass, I cannot tell!

Gravedigger: Oh you’re worthless; go get me a stoup of liquor! And stop busting your brains over it.
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