And today isn't the day for it. It feels like I should do a fresh start post for the beginning of spring. But the pollen and my job are just making it too difficult to focus on anything right now. I am in a wonderful relationship for the first time in a while and am really just working hard and having fun. It's hard to settle into anything knowing I'm leaving for OK in the fall but it will also be good practice with living life in the moment and just enjoying each day as it comes. I'm so glad I'm going somewhere in the fall; this CNA home healthcare bullshit is getting old and quite frankly wearing on my very last nerve.
It's not like I don't enjoy my clients; I'm just very resentful of a system that doesn't work and a society that doesn't value what I value. I tried to explain this to my father today and got very emotional. Why should money be the marker of success? Why should we place a dollar value on care that doesn't work? Why should the higher ups who quite frankly don't give a shit about anything except taking care of themselves be the ones who make the decisions for others? And why do these jobs pay so little and expect so much? It's not like I can change any of this, and if I could I would but it seems like we have a systemic bigger picture problem at hand here.
I don't like the fact that I am judged by what my parents do, or what I do for that matter. I don't like the fact that to a lot of these people (clients included) I am no more than a blip in their day filled with ingratitude and thanklessness. And why should I be judged for what I care to do because I don't make above the poverty line. Why is money the measure of success and why do people become more racist and classist as they age? And why was I told I'd be able to work in a hospital with a CNA certificate when that is clearly a LIE.
Maybe I had a hard day and maybe I'm a bit bitter. My time is limited here, and for that I am thankful. Thankful for the fact that I am out of here in three months, max. I don't think I'm quite a socialist, but I do think that certain things should be universal. Like healthcare for example. I do think that we should start treating our employees the way they treat us, and place more value on human resources than dollar value resources. Money isn't everything and we are not incomplete people without it. My brother pisses me off sometimes because he takes for granted how good he has it being at the premiere research grad school in the southeast and earns a salary similar to my first year teaching salary doing research and going to class. Why aren't there more universities out there that place a value on people that want to make a difference in other's lives and not just their own. Maybe I sound judgmental tonight, but that's only because I myself am sick of being judged.
3 comments:
I've been very much in a similar mood as of late. Especially working in an almost identical home care environment.
I think we are all just a number there, biding our time, soon to be replaced.
Thanks for the comment. It's so depressing to think about and I do enjoy the nature of the work but don't really enjoy a lot of my clients (who have gotten themselves into their current condition by shitty life choices such as eating too much, drinking too much, not exercising, and just overall negativity and expect that their caregiver or case manager solve all their problems for free.) I've literally been bitched at by I client who though I was paid too much. I make very little above the minimum wage for my state and told her that. But whatever. I hope you find a way to deal with the negativity and hope your job interview process goes smoothy. Crossing fingers for you. I am very fortunate that I don't live for work, and that my dating situation has seemed to improve so I have that to look forward to on the weekends while I wait for the fall...but thanks for the comment/words of encouragement.
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