Cognitive dissonance doesn't really occur between two people. The term describes one individual holding two different beliefs about the same situation. But I want to use the idea to prompt us to write. Have you been in a situation where the facts, the truth, the situation seems so clear and tangible to you, but your partner sees it or saw it in a completely different way? This can be particularly challenging when you otherwise respect your partner's intelligence and instincts. But in this one case, you are dealing with or dealt with opposing realities.
Please write about how that made you feel. Did you doubt yourself? Did you worry about your partner? Did it cause conflict? Please try to remember a situation where the "cognitive dissonance" between the two of you was particularly acute. How did you deal with it in the moment, and what lessons could you now apply if you relived there situation?
Yes. All of this yes. Cognitive dissonance everyday allday. Do I doubt myself daily? Yes. Do I worry about him daily? Yes. Did it cause conflict, yes. This is what the disease has done to me. Daily. When I talk about and think about it on a practical level and a general level, yes, this disease is all about cognitive dissonance. For one, I don't think he thinks there's a problem in our relationship. I don't think he's experienced enough pain, and that's my first point of dissonance. I haven't done enough to make sure he knows that there is a problem. But there is. I don't feel good. I don't feel fufilled. Sure he may not be drinking anymore, but is he happy? Does that affect my mood? You bet it does.
Let's talk about what happened in family group last week. I was crocheting. The group leader had her dog in the room. It isn't a therapy dog, but she's using it as a general support and mood booster. Daisy is cute. The group looks forward to her presence when it happens. As someone was sharing, the dog started attacking my yarn. I started fighting back. It was comical. I pulled she pulled. The owner got embarrassed and put her out, back in her crate upstairs. I felt bad. I felt bad for the group. I immediately shame spiraled. The group will be so mad at me. They love the dog. I shouldn't have tempted her. I shouldn't have brought my yarn. It was all my fault.
I know logically that this isn't what they were thinking. But this is what the disease of alcoholism has done to me. This is the reality I'm living in. I'm always guilty. If he had been there, in family group, he would have said it was my fault. I shouldn't have been crocheting, I should have been more present in the moment. I should have been more attentive to the dog. It is always my fault. Even when it isn't. I can't get out of that way of thinking. Is that cognitive disonance? Is it that I'm always thinking one thing about myself even if other people aren't thinking it? If they've said it once in anger or drunkeness it's truth. Well that's bullshit.
Cognitive dissonance is him doing laundry last night.
Hear me out.
One of his triggers is eating dinner on the couch while watching TV now. Its what we used to together during active addiction for him. He used to drink there. So now he eats upstairs and I eat downstairs. Lonely, but whatever. I cope.
But yesterday as he was cooking he asked me if I wanted to watch the show we'd been watching (THE PITT on HBO) while he folded the laundry.
Except I heard "Do you want to fold laundry while we watch the show." And I reacted. I shouldn't have reacted, but I reacted. WHY WOULD I WANT TO FOLD THE LAUNDRY.
SO he reacted.
I SAID I WOULD FOLD THE LAUNDRY DON'T GET SO UPSET.
But he used to tell me to fold the laundry all the time in active addiction. It's one of those behaviors I have resisted. I don't fold his laundry anymore. He used to get so upset when I wouldn't fold it the way he wanted me to. The "right" way. So I don't do it anymore.
Anyway. He folded the laundry standing up making me nervous while we watched the show, then finished dinner, ate upstairs and I ate later.
This is how we live now.
He thinks it's normal.
He doesn't have a problem with it.
I am left feeling as if I'm less than.
I shouldn't. But I do.
I haven't said this outloud to him.
For fear of a lot of things.
This is the prime example of cognitive dissonance, am I right?
