Inconsistency: An Echoes of Recovery Post in the making (Due April 9)

 The writing prompt for next Wednesday's sessions is: What about my own inconsistency?

Dealing with alcoholism means dealing with chaos and trauma. The only thing that is consistent in an alcoholic relationship is inconsistency. For some, this means dealing with meanness. For others, it means dealing with silence. Sometimes inconsistency manifests as dishonesty and gaslighting, while other times it shows up as manipulation and blame shifting. One thing is for sure: if you have dealt with alcoholism, you are familiar with inconsistency.

But what about your own inconsistency? Is there room for your moods to change based on hormonal shifts, workload imbalance, sleep disruption, quick and easy food choices, or even things like a sunny versus a cloudy day? Humans all have some level of inconsistency. Is there room for yours?

Please write about a specific example of a time when you reacted one way, but later, when your mood shifted, you reacted in a different way. Was there room for your inconsistency?

I'm sure I can come up with a hundred times my mood shifted and I reacted in a different way.

There is the inconsistency of wanting to have my shit together but always having it sprayed all over my home office floor.

There's the inconsistency of wanting to have two weeks planned of instruction but consistently working by flying by the seat of my pants and planning day by day. That shit is exhausting but at this point the only way my trauma-laden brain works.

There's the inconsistency of knowing exercise and walking would make me feel better but choosing to take a nap instead becuase I am just so damn exhausted all the time.

I suppose there is even the inconsistency of wanting to fly far far away but knowing that's more work than its worth. Would I even be happy far far away or is that just "Running away" and creating more drama for myself?

Is there room for mine?

That's a tricky question.

I have room for my own inconsistency? Isn't that why my therapist tells me to be kind to myself? Certainly working out all kinds of inconsistencies in my brain warrants allowing myself to do so.

Is there room for them in my house? Certainly not. The moment I waffle on any of these topics, the judgement comes in from my alcohoic partner.

He's so sick of himself that the moment I waffle in indecision I hear things like "Make up your fucking mind" and "are you sure?"

Even things like "You don't know what you want so don't put that on me."

So mostly I just sit with my inconsistency and try to live with it. Even if alcohol wasn't involved, I would still be inconsistent.

I think this prompt is hard to write to knowing that its going to public because:

Don't we spend our lives trying to hide our inconsistencies and not have them brought up to the public?

Isn't inconsistency considered a flaw?

One of those flaws that will get you outcast in the game of life?

I think I hid a lot of my inconsistencies from myself!

I'm having a hard time pulling them up here.

I'm having a hard time pulling an indivudal one time incident up.

You certainly don't get a head in the education world by being inconsistent.

You go in each day with the same set of expectations for the same group of students or you get your ass walked over and then judged by your superiors. "The good teachers do anyway." Whatever that means. I, by all means, am not a good teacher. I am in inconsistent teacher. So pardon me if inconsistent brings up some bile. Probably why I'm not that great at my job either.

I'm certainly inconsistent with expectations but I have my reasons.

And I don't share them with Cameron anymore and I don't share them with my boss -- but it seems to be working my current setting.

When I think about it, there is only fucking room to be fucking perfect when you are living with an alcoholic, is that right? Any inconsistency I posess I have to sweep out of the way until the alcoholic is out of sight and out of mind.

Any inconsistency I display gets the cold shoulder or the screaming treatment and judged unfairly.

Any at all and I'm not worthy to be human. Has that been the problem all along? Is that what this question wanted me to explore?

I'm exhausted.