The writing prompt for next Wednesday's sessions is: Please tell a story that explains the transition from solid ground to walking on eggshells.
I feel like we talk about nervous system activation, or walking on eggshells, like all humans know what that means. For this prompt, please tell a story or stories that explains, in detail, what that transition is like to go from a regulated, calm nervous system, to suddenly feeling the need to so carefully choose your words or actions to prevent blow back, criticism, emotional abuse, or other forms of trauma. Go slow when telling your story. Please try to be really biologically and cognitively descriptive. Does your pulse quicken? Does your breathing change? Are you hyper-sensitive in any way? Do you want to flee? Please use a real story to express what that transition is like for you.
I’m so angry right now, and I do think it’s because I went from solid ground to walking on eggshells in a matter of minutes. I seem to be doing this a lot lately and it sucks. They say in recovery the partner of an alcoholic doesn't reach their full anger cycle until years after the drinker does their work. That’s where I am, I do believe. It’s been a few years now and I am angry as ever but will never show it due to some fear of blowback, fear of what will happen when I let my eldest daughter freak flag fly. First, some background. I was planning on attending a Japanese Children’s Day event this Sunday, May 3rd. It’s been in the works for months and it happens at the same time every year. My best friend and her husband plan it as a fundraising effort for their children’s school. They attend a dual language immersion Japanese/English school and love it. I’ve been before, mostly by myself in support of them and have the best time. This event is everything that lines up with my values.
I haven’t been taught about values until my recovery work started, but now I see that I am happiest when I do things in my recreational time that are inline with my values. I have become so used to doing things in my recreational time that are on my own that it's a habit, I start walking on eggshells when Cameron wants in on my plans and I dance around feelings and emotions. Last weekend I even told him about the festival and asked him if wanted to be included. He said he would let me know. He didn’t say anything else and I assumed that meant I would be going alone, which was fine by me. We didn’t talk about it all week. I let Maria know I was planning on coming to the festival this Sunday and we got excited about it.
Except now, fast forward to Thursday. I get a text that was sent to both Cameron and I from his sister. She has rented out an entire movie theater for her son’s ninth birthday party. He is inviting some friends to watch the Mario movie. She invited Cameron and I to join the party.
First of all, I’m going to sound extremely judgemental here. Who at nine years old has enough friends that renting out an entire movie theater is a good deal? Is that a thing we are doing now when raising our kids? As a non-parent, I need to know. It seems a little entitled to me. My brother had a birthday party back in the day where he invited five friends to see the movie Twister. We sat in a theater with everyone else and they had a great time. Why are are teaching our kids that we need places to ourself to have time? Why can’t he do something outside on what is going to be a beautiful day? I may just be bitter that this is interfering with my plans and I’m too scared to tell Cameron that because of said eggshells.
Before sobriety, when he was actively addicted to alcohol, he never would have been interested in joining a party of nine year olds and his sister for an afternoon at the movies. I got so used to doing my own thing. Now, after I sent a text to the group chat about having plans with the festival, he told me last night in person that he would really like me to skip the festival and go to the movie theater with them. That’s all he said. Then he walked out of the room.
I said as he was walking out of the room that it’s going to be a lovely day and I don’t wish to spend it in the dark. That is what aligns with my values. I didn’t say he could always go to the party alone. He is more interested in Mario. He is the one that needs to rebuild the relationship and time lost with his sister and nephew and niece. Why do I have to be involved? My shoulders were tense. My jaw was tense. I wouldn’t have recognized these symptoms in myself two years ago. Tonight though, I feel them all. I want to run away. Instead, I freeze and I return to my audiobook and my ink tracing. I disassociate and tune out the world. Except I can’t tune out. I’m ruminating. My head is filling with thoughts. I do the next best thing. I text my best friend, and I text my Echoes friend Hammer. Now my breathing is quicker than it needs to be. I have lost track of what’s going on in my audiobook so I shut it down.
Here’s the text thread that ensued:
Me: Is this what parents are doing now? (Included a screen shot of the movie theater invite from my SIL) Am I wrong for thinking this is weird??? AND it’s Sunday and Cameron is gonna want me to go and I want to go to children’s day and I told him that. DAMN IT.
Maria: Bahahahaha Noooooooo (this is how we usually communicate. We are both teachers and it’s April and testing season. We are mentally done.)
Maria: A movie theater rental is not normal. Also, we don’t know that many ppl to make it worth it.
Maria: We did it once as a PTO fundraiser but that was also serving an Asian school that loves Sonic.
Me: Thank you for validating that. Ah. For a school event I guess that makes sense.
Maria: Tell Cameron he can go.
Me: that’s what I plan to do. I think.
Maria: WoooooooooooHoooooooooooo DAMN. THE. MAN.
Maria: Give the kid a voucher for food or snacks for the movie
Me: He doesn’t need one. They are loaded and she said no gifts. I’m supposed to buy him a box of pasta because that’s all he’s eating at the moment. Damn it he just said he wants me to go to the movie. Shit we are going to fight about this aren’t we.
Maria: GIRL. Just let him know. NO is a full sentence.
Me: I know. But I have guilt from years of high functioning alcoholism and relationship dysfunction. It’s complicated.
Maria: I know. I support whatever decision you make.
Me: I’m a people pleaser and I should be prouder he wants to do shit with his family.
Maria: Just know he owes you.
Me: He does.
Maria: Big.
Maria: He doesn’t want to do shit with his family. This feels like him showing them he’s a functioning adult with a very patient and supportive partner.
Maria: When really…you had plans first.
Me: Yes you are right
Me: He takes advantage of my kindness too much and I’m angry as fuck.
Maria: Then do something with that anger.
Me: I may tell him to go to the party alone to see if he really wants to go.
Maria: I’m sorry. That’s probably not my place.
Me: I just talked about this in therapy.
Maria: I’m angry if you’re angry.
Me: You are speaking the truth.
Maria: Sooooooo I’m happy to join you in the “fuck C” party.
Me: And I love that about you.
Me: When I’m ready I’ll tell you.
Me: I just need the right timing.
Me: Or a swift kick in the ASS.
Maria: You got it!!! I’ll get the popcorn ready. And the guest room. heartface emoji
Me: That’s so sweet of you. You already live with unwanted guests lol.
Maria: Bahahahaha I’d kick her out and keep you LOL.
Me: LOL that means a lot thank you *tearemoji*
Maria: Always!
No, we haven’t talked about it today. Yes, he told me that my closet mess is affecting him. Yes he told me the AC people sent an invoice that I should have gotten. No, I didn’t see an invoice. We are existing on an everyday level of roommate level relationship but we are no where near being a healthy romantic relationship stable couple. I am unable to come off my eggshell walking long enough to broach conflict and he his unable to, well, I don’t know what he’s unable to do. A lot of things. I know my weaknesses. I know that until I get healthy enough to speak my truth, to tell him that I am no longer interested in sitting in a dark room on a gorgeous Sunday afternoon I will not be happy. If I keep lying to myself and saying things like “I’m so glad you’re willing to do things with your family again,” it’s only going to breed the resentment I feel now ten times stronger. Things would be so much easier if I walked away. Things would be so much easier on my own. So what is holding me back?
Currently my whole back feels like it’s made up of a rope smashed together and tied in knots, the kind that forms when you fail to wind a knitting or crocheting yarn ball properly and the ends bind together and you can’t get in undone. I’m so tense you could bounce a quarter off me and have it land on the ground in seconds. I recognize this only when I try, but it feels so normal now. Walking on eggshells dancing around his feelings and trying to make everyone but myself happy isn’t working for me anymore. I don’t, however, know what to do though. I don’t know what makes me happy. If I go to the festival Sunday I will feel nothing but guilt for leaving him behind and he will make me feel more guilty for not supporting his family efforts. If I go to the movie I will feel resentful that I didn’t follow my wishes. Damn being an eldest parentified daughter who has lost the autonomy to decide what is best for herself. This just sucks.
This is what walking on eggshells looks like and feels like for me. Get me out of here.
https://750words.com/stats/RockstarTeacher2024/ZVmccVe8GPL6SUguZzBs
