Visualizing the Summit

 The writing prompt for next Wednesday's sessions is: Can't See the Summit

Hiking in Colorado, we usually start the hike without being able to see the top of the mountain, the destination. That can feel daunting - so much so that sometimes it keeps people from making the climb. What is something in front of you that's so large, such a fundamental change, and you can't see the summit, so you stay at the bottom, looking up, thinking, dreaming, and promising yourself that someday you'll start climbing? It can be anything, related to alcoholism and emotional safety, or not. Please visualize the assent, and write about it. Plan all the steps, anticipate the false summits, think about the supplies you'll need. It's always easier to start a hike if you've already summited the mountain through visualization.

There is so much of this journey that I can not see. The thing that comes to mind now is what to do next part of my journey. I can not see the end, so I just stop. Give up. I know I deserve emotional safety at all costs. I don’t know what to do when I don’t get that at home. From my partner. I don’t know what to do when requiring something from my partner that he has no ability to give, because I assume that he does have the ability to give and is either choosing not to or doesn’t know he needs to at this time, because I have always accepted what he has given. I need to expect more parts that I can not see the top of. I have always dreamed of a career that is not in K-12 education. Something else. 

Non-teaching, non-caregiving, communicating with people but something out there. I can’t tell if I’ve always done it because he wanted me to or if that is what society expected of me. I start the journey. I started applying to other jobs, like the state-department fellowship overseas. The application opens in September. I am going to fill it out this year. I have in past years, but it seemed too daunting so I stopped; I put my white flag in the ground and I surrendered to the gods of alcoholic thinking in the house. We can’t afford this, he would always say. 

You need a job with stable income, stable insurance. If you do that, I’ll get a job making more money and that will come without insurance so one of us will need to have a steady stable job while one of us earns more doing contract work. He’s never applied to higher paying jobs. He’s scared to leave. We are both scared to leave the comfort of what we know. I think he is more than me. I want to branch out, try something new, but something is holding me back. Has it always been him? Has he been the voice of reason or the voice of negativity and stifled opportunities? I have tried having job conversations with him, they are circular. They don’t go anywhere. I’m afraid to stand up to him and share my concerns and true feelings. 

I have a plan. I’m going to apply to a few of the virtual gigs on the state department website here: 

https://elprograms.org/virtual-educator-program/

I know the director of that program, she was my supervisor in graduate school. That’s an advantage. I can do a few of the evening programs that last a few hours a few nights a week after school this year. That won’t disrupt my income from my day job and will give Cameron nothing to complain about. Other than that I'm not spending enough time with him at night but he never wants to spend time with me at night anyway. My foot will be in the door when I want to apply to the longer term gigs with the same program overseas. 

https://elprograms.org/fellow-program/

It opens in September. It’s a long process with lots of steps. I don’t plan on telling anyone until I’ve made it to the last rounds and plans have to be made to leave. That’s a harder conversation with Cameron. My income should be the exact same as I’m making now. I can still financially contribute to the home. I just won’t BE home for a year. I have no idea how I’m going to have that conversation. This is the summit I’m climbing but can’t see the top of yet. How do I tell him I’m unhappy with a few aspects of life without him convincing me I’m not. This is more of a me thing than a him thing. I’m the one gaslighting myself, telling myself I’m happy, going along with life, until I get so resentful and hurt at myself and at the world that I want something more. I settled for this suburban life long ago because it’s something that the world pushes on us. Settle down, get yourself a mate, kids, pets, cars, a job, and you have achieved something in life. When I keep coming back to it, that’s just not true and the summit is higher for me. 

I’ll apply to these programs this year and that will be the start. The summit is not in sight; I have no idea where this will lead, but it is the next approachable step. That may be all that’s in me to write and think about today. 

There was so much of me that I hid from the summit of my dreams during my alcoholic partnership and there is still so much that is hidden. I’m starting to peak out and see the summit, but it’s still cloudy. It’s there, it’s just not visible.

Echoes 6/10 Video Discussion Call Prompt

                      Rating Comfort Level in Various Relationships

10 = Very comfortable 1=Not comfortable at all

Relationship Categories:

1. With your parents – 9/10 with mom; 4/10 with dad right now. I definitely don’t share things about my relationship with either of them and only keep it positive most of the time. If I am having another issue, my mom’s the guide, but nothing with dad. 

2. With your children – I don’t have biological children, but I consider my students my own children sometimes, by default. I do think and worry about them like some moms worry about their bio kids. I do have nightmares about them. So to the extent that I can, I am 8/10 comfortable with my role as their teacher and mentor, guiding them through American high school for the first time in the country. We do share some pretty cool things and learn about each other throughout the year. 

3. With your partner – I’m about 4/10 here. I only share what I think he can handle and censor myself frequently based on what I think is his mood at the time. I don’t share everything. He runs the agenda of the house. If he doesn’t like it, we usually don’t do it. I do a lot of things on my own and that gets lonely. 

4. With other family – I don’t really talk to a lot of other family members. That’s what this disease does to families. I guess I see my mom’s brother and his wife, but cousins have dropped off the radar. My aunt and uncle are very open and non-judemental. I do feel comfortable sharing parts of my life with them like I do my mom. My grandparents used to be that for me, but they have since passed away. I don’t share anything with my brother; he’s at 5/10. Maybe a little more with his wife, 6/10.  

5. With close friends – Maria is really the only close friend right now, and I do share things from time to time with her but don’t burden her with relationship details for fear of judgement. She wants me to leave and thinks I can do better. I’d put Maria at an 8/10, right below mom. 

6. With distant friends/neighbors – 2/10 Nothing. I don’t even have distant friends. My neighbors don’t talk to us. We live in such an isolated world. 

7. With your boss – I’ve worked hard here. 5/10 because I do share things that are going on in my classroom with my APs. They support me on behavior issues and issues with coworkers. I have built that level of trust with them, more so than at other schools. They know I care for my students and families and have their best interest at heart when making decisions. I don’t share details of my personal life with them. That’s just not appropriate for the situation. 

8. With other coworkers – 4/10 superficial at best but friendly. I share what I’m reading for fun with a lot of them and we have lunchtime chatter but not much more. 

How have these ratings changed over the years. What is missing in relationships where you aren't comfortable? 

     I think I was more comfortable with my parents before alcohol came into the picture in my relationship. They know too much and no one wants to talk about it unless I initiate, and I don’t want to initiate. Everything is fine here, nothing to see. I have always as far as I can remember back in childhood felt more comfortable with mom than with dad. General affect and emotional safety with her than with him. I obviously felt more comfortable before alcohol with Cameron. I do think I did a lot of isolating from friends and family in this process and that is hard to make up for now. It’s almost like too much time has passed. 

To what do you attribute the comfort in relationships where you are comfortable? 

     The relationships where I am most comfortable, like mom and Maria, I attribute to time spent. I don’t miss out on making time for them and making them a priority in my life. I’ve tried to make Cameron a priority and it’s getting better but for the longest time he had other priorities. 

Are there lessons you can learn, and things you can transfer, between the categories?
      Not sure about this one. I need to listen to other people’s answers to get a feel for this one. I don’t think one relationship gives way to others in my life currently.

When Knowing Is Not Enough

 

Monday, June 1st, 2026

The writing prompt for next Wednesday's sessions is: When Knowing is Not Enough

When someone close to us faces a major challenge, whether it is alcoholism, or something else, it is quite common for us to do lots of research and learn everything we can about what has afflicted our loved. But no matter how much we learn, it is also quite common that the person with the challenge doesn't want to hear about it from us. Certainly this often applies to a partner suffering from alcoholism, but you can expand your lens and write about other relationships, too. For example, Sheri tried to share what she has learned about health with her mother, but her mother refused to learn from her own daughter.

It is painful to seek and gain valuable knowledge only to have a loved one refuse to listen or learn.

We all have experiences with this in various relationships. Pick one, and please write about how it feels, and any resulting consequences.

When knowing is not enough.

This seems simple at first glance. I knew the alcohol was a problem. I refused to say anthing about it. I knew I didn't like drinking. I didn't say anything. I let him have his fun. I had a little along the way. I knew it was getting worse, I chose not to say anything. I knew getting sober wasn't going to be the end of our problems, but I didn't know how that would look.

I did a lot of research. Most of us do. I listened to a lot of podcasts, YouTube videos, Instagram reels, TikToks, etc. about addiction, addiction recovery, partners of alcoholics, what alcohol does to the brain and body, dry drunk syndrome, you name it. I liked the logic of it. Almost burnt out on research and facts, I forgot to listen to how my body feels. Was I disresepected? Sure.

How does my body feel knowing I was disrespected and still am being disrespected daily? I have no idea. Knowing IS not enough. It never is. Action is always what it takes. What should I act on first though? I KNOW I need to stand up and say what hurts my feelings in the moment. I don't because it has traditionally been what has kept me safe. My coping mechanism has always been to shut my mouth and keep working. It's worked to a point, until it doesn't anymore.

I know this is where I am now. Having done all the research, knowing I don't feel happy, and having to take some action. Having to say my true feelings. Having to say I'm not happy, outloud to someone that won't react well. I know that part is scary. I know my body won't react well.

It hasn't been that bad, I can keep doing what I'm doing for two more years, one more, year, six more months, then some random point I mark with some random time and space marker. I know I convince myself the problem is me. I do this because it's been said to me so many times it has worked.

I know that I should just go and say what I mean. I know I should say that I don't feel like being myself in my house out loud in front of him. I don't because I know I will feel backlash and unsafe after I do. I know how I feel. I don't know how to say how I feel. I know what to do. I don't know how to do it. I know how much I don't know what I want to know. Does that even make sense?

He refuses to listen. He's sober so everything is OK and that is not OK with me. I can't say that. That is what I know. It's so frustrating. I know I need to process all of my resentments but I have no desire to do so BECAUSE he has no desire to listen to that. People will tell me you have to just pull off the bandaid but they don't know what the relationship is like. They don't have to live in the home. It really is the best for my emotional safety right now.

I did tell him I was going to Nashville this weekend and got no reaction. I did tell him that I would like him to come to my mom's 70th birthday lunch, and I don't know how that will go but I'll use it as a test. I know I don't know shit, and that is just not enough.