I can't believe I said that! (An Echoes of Recovery Writing Session Post)

 The writing prompt for today's sessions is: I can't believe I said that.

Please tell us about a time when you shared something with vulnerability and authenticity that was, at least at the time, out of character for you. This does not have to be about sharing your experiences with alcoholism, but it can be. This is about opening up in a way that is maybe frowned upon in our society. This is about taking a chance and trying to make a connection for the good of another human, or because you couldn't hold your truth inside any longer. Please set the scene and tell the story.

Ok, my "I can't believe I said that" moment came recently, as in last Sunday. It was a pretty normal Sunday, though I don't like the word normal because as they say, normal is only a setting on a dryer for us folks who love an alcoholic. I was grading papers and getting ready for my week at school. Cameron was sleeping or doing whatever he does on a Sunday now that he's "not drinking" but not in full recovery mode. Spoiler alert: he sleeps a lot. 

He came down at about 3pm asking if I had eaten "ALL of the leftover chicken because that was a lot" and he didn't get but one piece. He mentioned that I snack a lot in the past and has made similar comments on my weight now that he's not drinking as much and working out he's getting more fit and I'm not. It's rude. I never called it out but it's hurtful. I never brought it to his attention as abuse. 

But here is where the "I can't believe I said that" moment comes in. 

After he made the remark about me eating ALL the chicken, I sat and a paused before commenting. I did that "al-anon pause" they talk about. I've been getting better at that. Then something popped out of my mouth that surprised me. 

I simply said, "What was your intention behind that comment?" 

I never would have said that two years ago. I would have responded by raising my voice, getting defensive, and finding something to get angry over. 

I would have stormed out of the room. 

Instead, I said, "What was your intention behind that comment?" 

What followed wasn't pleasant. He got really defensive. He raised his voice. He screamed at me that it wasn't always all about me. I wanted to cry. I wanted to shout back. I know better than that now. 

I can't cry anymore. I'm so numb to this after all of this emotional abuse. 

Instead of responding. I stand up from my chair and I get in the shower. I'm safe in bathroom. 

I clean myself up, participate in some self-care, get dressed and take myself to the Wicked Sing Along Party I was debating going to. I went by myself. 

When I got there, I think I see someone I know. We were both to scared to approach each other, but did so after the movie and end up eating dinner together. I turned a bad situation into the best night. 

All because I said, "What was your intention behind that remark?" 

And walked away. 

I told this story to my family group at Cameron's rehab (I can go to this for as long as I need to, even though he's not in treatment anymore.) 

The women there applauded me. 

I got a text back from a woman I'm friendly with from that group that said "I channeled my inner Jenn and I asked my husband what his intention was after he said something snarky to me." 

then she sent the hashtag #whatwouldJenndo 

This made me feel better. 

Community is the opposite of addiciton. 

We do recover. 

My house is still a cesspool of dysfunction. 

I still live in toxitity and shame. 

but just for today I can pretend I am learning how to recover from loving an addict. 

I'll end it here. But I had to share this moment. And it fit with the theme. So Enjoy. 

What was something you said that you can't believe you said?