Echoes of Recovery Writing: Turning Points and Mindset Shifts

 I would like to say I have had some big mindset shifts lately, but in reality I don't really think I have and that is probably why I'm sitting here on a Tuesday night trying to write to this prompt at 10:20 pm. I don't usually stay up this late, but I find myself here for tonight because I just need a little more time awake and to myself. Time that is just mine. Not time that I'm answering emails or grading or helping students or stressing about a problem with a student at work.

Not one that is Cameron's either. I need to learn how to throw that shit back at hime better, according to family group. He has to take control of his recovery.

In talking to another spouse of an addict and alcoholic tonight, one who is much farther along on her journey than I am, she told me that she told her husband that he makes her feel small and she's not willing to make herself feel small at the expense of their marriage. And I thought that was a really bold move.

Of course, then she said she did that in couple's therapy, and I felt like that was a wise choice to say that with a third party present. It is safer that way.

I have been feeling small around Cameron for years. That was how his alcoholism and alcoholic behavior has affected me. The difference in my mindset here is that I have never said that to his face. I have yelled and whined and screamed and tantrumed that he needs to leave me alone, and I've faught with him over little things, but is this really what is at the root of the issue?

I think the mindset shift comes when we partners and loved ones realize the toll it has taken on our own sense of self and self-esteem or self-worth. Cameron has spent so much time convincing me that I have a problem. I have a problem with cleanliness, housekeeping, and organizaiton. I have a problem with listening and never listen well. I have been listening to this shit for years it has become so ingrained in me that I am not worth the sack of shit you can bury me in. I am not worth the time I give myself to take a shower or comb my hair in the morning.

But the mind has started to shift. I've started to become aware of the way alcohlics manipulate. And Cameron's was so subtle. In fact, it is so subtle that I'm not even sure he knows what he's doing. He hasn't been doing the work I've been doing.

But it's my fault for NOT TELLING HIM.

But if I told him I feel small around him and that's his alcoholic behavoir his response would be "but I can't make you feel anything, you're doing this to yourself."

I wish I had a third party to intervene and listen to the way we treat each other. But I know he's not ready for couple's work. He's five therapy sessions in to a new therapist and refuses to go to AA or do any kind of group work.

The mindset shift now has to become loving myself enough to recognize when he's treating me like garbage.

And to gently remind him that I don't talk to people that talk to me that way.

It's so easy to do on paper.

It's so hard to do in them moment.

The reaction is usually to avoid conflict and leave the room.

Or leave the house and go for a drive.

But that isn't going to help the situation.

The mindset shift has to be to let him know his words hurt and to request that he not speak to me like that.

And to hope that the words "you're just too sensitve" don't get thrown around.

My dad always made sure I was the tough one. He didn't raise a princess.

But the truth is that words hurt, and that is important to recognize.

No one teaches us how to be in a healthly relationship.

There. I'm done for the night. Now I have to try to sleep.

I can't believe I said that! (An Echoes of Recovery Writing Session Post)

 The writing prompt for today's sessions is: I can't believe I said that.

Please tell us about a time when you shared something with vulnerability and authenticity that was, at least at the time, out of character for you. This does not have to be about sharing your experiences with alcoholism, but it can be. This is about opening up in a way that is maybe frowned upon in our society. This is about taking a chance and trying to make a connection for the good of another human, or because you couldn't hold your truth inside any longer. Please set the scene and tell the story.

Ok, my "I can't believe I said that" moment came recently, as in last Sunday. It was a pretty normal Sunday, though I don't like the word normal because as they say, normal is only a setting on a dryer for us folks who love an alcoholic. I was grading papers and getting ready for my week at school. Cameron was sleeping or doing whatever he does on a Sunday now that he's "not drinking" but not in full recovery mode. Spoiler alert: he sleeps a lot. 

He came down at about 3pm asking if I had eaten "ALL of the leftover chicken because that was a lot" and he didn't get but one piece. He mentioned that I snack a lot in the past and has made similar comments on my weight now that he's not drinking as much and working out he's getting more fit and I'm not. It's rude. I never called it out but it's hurtful. I never brought it to his attention as abuse. 

But here is where the "I can't believe I said that" moment comes in. 

After he made the remark about me eating ALL the chicken, I sat and a paused before commenting. I did that "al-anon pause" they talk about. I've been getting better at that. Then something popped out of my mouth that surprised me. 

I simply said, "What was your intention behind that comment?" 

I never would have said that two years ago. I would have responded by raising my voice, getting defensive, and finding something to get angry over. 

I would have stormed out of the room. 

Instead, I said, "What was your intention behind that comment?" 

What followed wasn't pleasant. He got really defensive. He raised his voice. He screamed at me that it wasn't always all about me. I wanted to cry. I wanted to shout back. I know better than that now. 

I can't cry anymore. I'm so numb to this after all of this emotional abuse. 

Instead of responding. I stand up from my chair and I get in the shower. I'm safe in bathroom. 

I clean myself up, participate in some self-care, get dressed and take myself to the Wicked Sing Along Party I was debating going to. I went by myself. 

When I got there, I think I see someone I know. We were both to scared to approach each other, but did so after the movie and end up eating dinner together. I turned a bad situation into the best night. 

All because I said, "What was your intention behind that remark?" 

And walked away. 

I told this story to my family group at Cameron's rehab (I can go to this for as long as I need to, even though he's not in treatment anymore.) 

The women there applauded me. 

I got a text back from a woman I'm friendly with from that group that said "I channeled my inner Jenn and I asked my husband what his intention was after he said something snarky to me." 

then she sent the hashtag #whatwouldJenndo 

This made me feel better. 

Community is the opposite of addiciton. 

We do recover. 

My house is still a cesspool of dysfunction. 

I still live in toxitity and shame. 

but just for today I can pretend I am learning how to recover from loving an addict. 

I'll end it here. But I had to share this moment. And it fit with the theme. So Enjoy. 

What was something you said that you can't believe you said?