The writing prompt for today's sessions is: I finally understand. Now what?

 The writing prompt for today's sessions is: I finally understand. Now what?

Please tell the story of when you finally understood. And while understanding was a relief, not knowing what to do next was terrifying.

Your story can relate to alcohol or emotional safety, or to something else entirely. The topic is up to you. Please write about the emotions of understanding, but not knowing what to do with that understanding.

I finally understand that he will never understand me. 

I finally understand that he will never understand what I want and what I stand for in this relationship. I do understand that I want to be here. He does understand that I am in it for the long haul. He will never understand that I am not here for him or what he wants. 

I want to be with him. 

I want to please him. 

I want to meet his needs. 

But at what expense is this coming? 

If I say that I have no interest in coming up with something to do this weekend and you plan another errand with lunch attached, and I say yes because I don’t want to let you down, that’s not me, that’s you. 

If you tell me that I need to put more effort into this relationship one more time I am going to snap. You think the lack of effort is me. And I think it’s you. And we will never meet in the middle, but I will always tell you it’s me. It’s a very toxic situation. I will never feel anything but resentment. And you don’t see any of that resentment. You see someone that doesn’t care about us at all. I see, for the first time, me, who doesn’t want to give in anymore. 

I see me, who wants to do what I want to do, but also wants to be part of a couple. Maybe not this couple. 

You will always think you are doing more of the work than I am in coming up with things to do. You tell me you are listening to me, you tell me there’s nothing to listen to. I tell you I’m listening and I tell you I’m always trying to do what you want me to do. You tell me I’m not trying hard enough. 

The physical touch of you scares me now. You tell me we’re not having enough sex. 

I dread coming home. You don’t know that. 

There’s something wrong with this picture. I know what it is. I can’t say it outloud between us. You just don’t listen anymore, but you think you do. I say I want a job switch and I’m trying. You tell me that’s running away. 

Well maybe it is. Maybe I want to run away and never come back. In the middle of the night. Without saying a word because if I give you warning you will tell me I don’t have to go. You will tell me it’s up to me to make it better. You will try to say it’s all my fault. I will agree and the cycle will start over. 

I think I finally understand that you will never understand how unhappy I am. I think I finally understand how unhappy I am. I think I finally understand that I have no idea how to make it better without running away, in the dark, after midnight. 

I understand that you aren’t a bad person, just bad at recovery. 

I understand that you aren’t a bad man, just bad at life. 

I understand that you aren’t mean, just selfish. 

I understand that you think that I’m lazy and I think that you’re lazy and we will never understand each other. 

I think I understand that I want a do over in life. 

I understand that I want to stop thinking about this for a long time. I understand that I never will. 

I understand that my job is too cumbersome and laborious to spend any time outside of my job looking for new work. I understand that my boundary issues are larger than just home. I understand that I feel trapped. I understand that I use “I” too much, and I understand that makes me seem selfish. 

I understand that you want me to “plan” our next “date” and I have no desire to because I have no desire to spend time with you. The very thought of that makes my skin crawl. I don’t have a desire to do much of anything else right now either.  

This is definitely an example of not knowing where to go next.