The writing prompt for next Wednesday's sessions is: I did that, and it brought me pride, relief, or closure.
We spend a lot of time talking about following your instincts, detaching emotionally, processing resentments, and establishing boundaries. That is hard work! With this prompt, let's spend some time celebrating some wins. The situation you describe cannot be too small or insignificant to matter. Please tell a story about something you did that brought you a feeling of pride, a sense of relief, or some amount of closure. By sharing your story, you will undoubtedly encourage someone else to pursue a similar path.
I am proud that I was able to go to a Halloween gathering across the street, by myself, and socialize with the neighbors. I know this sounds simple but hear me out. I wasn’t going to go at first. I didn’t think I was invited. I saw them setting up in mid afternoon and kept thinking to myself how fun it looked to be able to socialize with friends on a Saturday evening. I am ashamed to admit just how lonely I’ve felt since C stopped drinking. He’s not doing any work on himself, he thinks he’s really OK, but here’s my point of view from my research and experiences: I think to myself: would a person who is three years sober and recovered, would they NOT have a problem socializing in a group where people are sitting around drinking. Is that fair to say? The reason he gave me for not going (and we were both invited) was that he wasn’t comfortable being around people that were drinking in what is essentially an open bar atmosphere.
Ok you think, good for him for realizing that. I get it. It’s hard. But after THREE years? I know everyone’s individual journey is unique to them, but I know others that claim to be recovered and have no problem being around people that are drinking. He tells me he wants to do more shit with me, and then tells me to cover him in situations like these so I’m getting mixed messages. I really didn’t hold it against him. I just have to vent here. He said he didn’t mind if I had a drink or two either, that’s not the issue. He told me to make an excuse for him. To tell them he had a migraine. Someone that is three years sober and working on themselves would have the honesty and forthcoming attitude to be honest with people. You can’t hide forever. I spend so much time around you all and listening to people in SHOUT that come right out and tell their truth that when I hear Cameron I am disappointed. Just be honest, tell people the truth, isn’t that part of the recovery process? I am proud of myself for writing that here. I am not proud of myself for not telling him at the moment. If I did though, tell him, it would only cause more fighting and I didn’t want to get upset. No conflict at any cost?
I am proud that I was able to detach enough Saturday night to go over and say hi and be accepted by the group, even if it was all couples. Even if I was the only single person there for the night. I was self-conscious in the driveway looking at them while handing out candy, but the host said she hadn’t seen me all night and wanted to mention it. Turns out, I met the childless elder millennial and gen x couple set of the neighborhood and it was fantastic. I made great connections. I got phone numbers and cat pics. We talked about movies and jobs and how bad life sucks right now and books and more books. Three of them are teachers. LIke my Echoes family, these people get me too. I was proud of myself for not judging them too much for consuming alcohol. They don’t have a problem, and they were just doing what we were all taught how to do to relax on a Saturday night. Three other couples just like me, only without an alcoholic partner.
Why is that so big in my identity lately? I thought about it a lot. These couples were drinking. Not problematically, but definitely not a little bit. One of them definitely did pressure me a little too much to drink more wine. I only really want one glass. I didn’t give into peer pressure because my tolerance is low now after not drinking myself for so long, but it did make me wonder about her insecurity. I’ve done WAY too much reading and experiencing about alcohol to enjoy it now. Only once did someone ask me where my partner was and why he wasn’t there. I didn’t feel comfortable telling the truth. It would only make them uncomfortable. I’m not proud of that. I really should be strong enough to tell the truth but not yet. I said he had a headache. I’m not proud that I lied. We moved on. The one I bonded with the most last night said she couldn’t drink any more and said she was California sober. She was drinking a THC beverage that night. She said alcohol makes her sick. She didn’t elaborate and I didn’t ask. It makes me wonder how many people are covering up a drinking problem they don’t realize that they have. It’s not my problem to fix, but it really makes me wonder. Would we have had just as good of a time around a campfire with hot cocoa and hot cider without the booze? I would have, but I can’t say that for everyone. It’s just part of their lives. I want the connection without the drinks.
Anywho, I just thought I’d comment on that for the night. I'm proud of myself for making new friends, despite what Cameron may want for me. I am proud that I do have autonomy of myself even though it may not feel like it sometimes. I wonder what my life would have been like had I never met Cameron. If I’d been questioning myself so much lately. When I came home the first thing he said to me was “Dear god you smell awful.” Not “Did you have fun?” or “How was it?” It was, “you should take a shower because your pillow will smell like a campfire.” I didn’t take a shower. I changed my clothes but I’m OK with the campfire smell, and since we sleep in separate rooms it shouldn’t bother him. He is not OK, but he’s pretending to be. I’m proud of myself for realizing that. Now I only have to find the courage to say that out loud in a productive, non-emotional manner in a way that he can hear it.
