7 minute prompt

The term, "recovery," is a little misleading, I think. Recovery insinuates that we are going back to status from the past (like when you recover the data from a hard drive). The fact is that anyone who successfully recovers from the alcoholism of a loved one is a new and different version of themself. Who would want to go back to being that person who was susceptible to gaslighting, denials, and manipulation? We want to move forward.

Please write about a story from your recent past that shows where you are going moving forward. Maybe you had a positive interaction with someone. Maybe you were calm in a situation that previously activated your nervous system. Maybe you pursued something with a sense of determination not previously available. Maybe your story goes in a different direction entirely. Please tell us a story that points you in a certain direction for the future.

While I agree with the idea that recovery is misleading, that we have to move forward to discover who we are, I think recovery is sometimes an appropriate term because we do have to look to the past to correct the mistakes an painful instances in order to move forward. 

While I'd like to believe that we are not living in the past, we have to try actively and assertively NOT to live in the past, I am a new and different person everyday. How am I a new and different person everyday? 

I'm not sure. But I do know that last weekend, one weekend I had free, I chose to drive to Chattanooga BY MYSELF so I didn't have to sit and do nothing in the house with a partner that chooses to be miserable. While I was pretty miserable Friday, I can accept that he is NOT doing the work while I am. As frustrated as that makes me, I do have to believe that I can not change him. Only he decides that he gets to do the work. And if it's been two years and he's still choosing to be miserable, I have do something with that information. If it's leave town and protect my emotional safety for the weekend, that is what I will do. 

Some will say I'm avoiding the truth. Some will say I'm procrastinating. I did end up calling a lawyer "just in case" last weekend. I haven't done anything with that information besides just let it sit with me, but I guess I'm at piece with the knowledge that I did it. 

Another way I have move forward is that I know now everything that comes out of his mouth may be a form of manipulating me into doing what he wants to do. And while I don't have any control over that, I don't have to blindly follow that shit show. I can walk away. While I know that standing up to it and calling it out will only end in him projecting back at me, I know I can walk away at any time. 

And I know that specificity makes writing better, but for now I'm going to leave things vague. I think I've grown forward by knowing that I don't have to act right away. That I can sit with things and let them stew. That I can move at my own pace. I do reach out for help with safe people. That there is no such thing as perfect though I don't always practice but always come around to realizing. We are all works in progress. 

Set the Record Straight: Another Echoes Post

 The writing prompt for today's sessions is: Set the Record Straight

A hallmark universalism of being the loved one of an alcoholic is remembering things differently from the recollection of your drinker. Sometimes you are told your memory is incorrect because the drinker really does have an alcohol-warped memory that is cloudy and hazy and simply untrue, or at least different. Sometimes you are told your memory is incorrect because your drinker is in denial, and while your drinker might not remember, they tell you that you are wrong as a knee-jerk deflection or denial, because your version of the truth conflicts with the person the drinker wants to be. The conflicting memories cause further trauma above and beyond the traumatic events you lived through.

This is your chance to set the record straight, maybe not with your drinker, but in a clear and written out permanent record. Please take one (or two or three) incident from your swirling and painful memory, and set the record straight. Tell what happened, how you showed up and tried to limit that damage, and the resulting aftermath. Put it in writing. This prompt is less about us learning your dark secrets, and more about you getting the pain out of your head and into a written form where you truth can live for you to reference anytime you need a reminder of the facts.

​Free yourself. Write about it. Set the record straight.

Comparisons: An Echoes Writing Prompt

 No matter what your situation, you can surely think of other people who have it worse. Is that comparison holding you back? Or did it in the past? Please write about how comparisons to other either used to, or still do, prevent you from making the next right move.

It's the controlling for me

 Came home from family group. 

C was in the kitchen, frying plantains. 

I said hello. 

He told me we have chicken thighs. I said OK. 

He told me he was only going to use soy sauce and ginger to cook them. It would be an experiment. 

The air frier is new as of yesterday. 

He kept commenting about how cheap the thighs were. All of this for $6. 

I said OK. 

He then asked me if I wanted to cook the chicken. 

I instictively sick of his shit said "I don't want to cook here where you're going to tell me 20 things I did wrong." 

And I said I need to decompress from the day. 

I needed go upstairs. 

I didn't ask him to cook. I said I didn't want to. 

I went upstairs to close the door. 

And listen to music and crochet alone. 

He screams upstairs that I locked the cat out. 

I let her in. 

20 min go by and he comes upstairs, opens the door and tells me that he does not want the chicken, and that if I'm not going to eat it he's going to throw it out. 

Who does that? 

He just bought it today. 

Raw chicken thighs. 

I said I may not cook it today but I will cook it tomorrow. I know he goes to aftercare group tomorrow and I will have the kitchen to himself so he can't point out my 100 mistakes while cooking the chicken. 

He doesn't like that answer, but goes downstairs. 

I know he wanted me to come downstairs so he could rant at me about his day. 

He doesn't care about what I have to say about anything anymore. I don't live in an equal partnership and I don't feel heard. 

I spoke my truth by saying "I don't want to cook the chicken now so you can point out what I'm doing wrong." 

Fuck me though if this isn't what it's like being in the aftermath of an alcoholic relationship. 

If I do go down and cook the chicken now that he isn't there he's just going to complain that I didn't clean properly. 

I'm so done. Soo SOO done. 

I'm so done being controlled. 

She used to be mine

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N2sow2WYQNQ&list=RDN2sow2WYQNQ&index=1

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Addiction and alcoholism robbs you of your ability to see you. The you you used to be. Does it not? Is there a reason I cry everytime I listen to this song? 

I'm not pregnant and don't intend to be. 

but messy and kind? 

I don't recognize me? 

thst place and its patrons have taken more than I've gave them (school and home) 

I'm imperfect and I try 

I am good 

But lie 

I am hard on myself 

I am broken and won't ask for help 

I am messy and I am kind 

I am lonely most of the time 

I am the partner of an alcoholic of 13 years. 

I am gone 

I used to be me. 

[Verse 1]
It's not simple to say
That most days I don't recognize me
That these shoes and this apron
That place and its patrons
Have taken more than I gave them

[Verse 2]
It's not easy to know
I'm not anything like I used to be
Although it's true
I was never attention's sweet center
I still remember that girl

[Chorus]
She's imperfect, but she tries
She is good, but she lies
She is hard on herself
She is broken and won't ask for help
She is messy, but she's kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up
And baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone, but she used to be mine

[Verse 3]
And it's not what I asked for
Sometimes life just slips in through a backdoor
And carves out a person
Who makes you believe it's all true
And now I've got you

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Cognitive Dissonance: Echoes of Recovery April 23 Discussion Writing

 Cognitive dissonance doesn't really occur between two people. The term describes one individual holding two different beliefs about the same situation. But I want to use the idea to prompt us to write. Have you been in a situation where the facts, the truth, the situation seems so clear and tangible to you, but your partner sees it or saw it in a completely different way? This can be particularly challenging when you otherwise respect your partner's intelligence and instincts. But in this one case, you are dealing with or dealt with opposing realities.

Please write about how that made you feel. Did you doubt yourself? Did you worry about your partner? Did it cause conflict? Please try to remember a situation where the "cognitive dissonance" between the two of you was particularly acute. How did you deal with it in the moment, and what lessons could you now apply if you relived there situation?

Yes. All of this yes. Cognitive dissonance everyday allday. Do I doubt myself daily? Yes. Do I worry about him daily? Yes. Did it cause conflict, yes. This is what the disease has done to me. Daily. When I talk about and think about it on a practical level and a general level, yes, this disease is all about cognitive dissonance. For one, I don't think he thinks there's a problem in our relationship. I don't think he's experienced enough pain, and that's my first point of dissonance. I haven't done enough to make sure he knows that there is a problem. But there is. I don't feel good. I don't feel fufilled. Sure he may not be drinking anymore, but is he happy? Does that affect my mood? You bet it does.

Let's talk about what happened in family group last week. I was crocheting. The group leader had her dog in the room. It isn't a therapy dog, but she's using it as a general support and mood booster. Daisy is cute. The group looks forward to her presence when it happens. As someone was sharing, the dog started attacking my yarn. I started fighting back. It was comical. I pulled she pulled. The owner got embarrassed and put her out, back in her crate upstairs. I felt bad. I felt bad for the group. I immediately shame spiraled. The group will be so mad at me. They love the dog. I shouldn't have tempted her. I shouldn't have brought my yarn. It was all my fault.

I know logically that this isn't what they were thinking. But this is what the disease of alcoholism has done to me. This is the reality I'm living in. I'm always guilty. If he had been there, in family group, he would have said it was my fault. I shouldn't have been crocheting, I should have been more present in the moment. I should have been more attentive to the dog. It is always my fault. Even when it isn't. I can't get out of that way of thinking. Is that cognitive disonance? Is it that I'm always thinking one thing about myself even if other people aren't thinking it? If they've said it once in anger or drunkeness it's truth. Well that's bullshit.

Cognitive dissonance is him doing laundry last night.

Hear me out.

One of his triggers is eating dinner on the couch while watching TV now. Its what we used to together during active addiction for him. He used to drink there. So now he eats upstairs and I eat downstairs. Lonely, but whatever. I cope.

But yesterday as he was cooking he asked me if I wanted to watch the show we'd been watching (THE PITT on HBO) while he folded the laundry.

Except I heard "Do you want to fold laundry while we watch the show." And I reacted. I shouldn't have reacted, but I reacted. WHY WOULD I WANT TO FOLD THE LAUNDRY.

SO he reacted.

I SAID I WOULD FOLD THE LAUNDRY DON'T GET SO UPSET.

But he used to tell me to fold the laundry all the time in active addiction. It's one of those behaviors I have resisted. I don't fold his laundry anymore. He used to get so upset when I wouldn't fold it the way he wanted me to. The "right" way. So I don't do it anymore.

Anyway. He folded the laundry standing up making me nervous while we watched the show, then finished dinner, ate upstairs and I ate later.

This is how we live now.

He thinks it's normal.

He doesn't have a problem with it.

I am left feeling as if I'm less than.

I shouldn't. But I do.

I haven't said this outloud to him.

For fear of a lot of things.

This is the prime example of cognitive dissonance, am I right? 

Inconsistency: An Echoes of Recovery Post in the making (Due April 9)

 The writing prompt for next Wednesday's sessions is: What about my own inconsistency?

Dealing with alcoholism means dealing with chaos and trauma. The only thing that is consistent in an alcoholic relationship is inconsistency. For some, this means dealing with meanness. For others, it means dealing with silence. Sometimes inconsistency manifests as dishonesty and gaslighting, while other times it shows up as manipulation and blame shifting. One thing is for sure: if you have dealt with alcoholism, you are familiar with inconsistency.

But what about your own inconsistency? Is there room for your moods to change based on hormonal shifts, workload imbalance, sleep disruption, quick and easy food choices, or even things like a sunny versus a cloudy day? Humans all have some level of inconsistency. Is there room for yours?

Please write about a specific example of a time when you reacted one way, but later, when your mood shifted, you reacted in a different way. Was there room for your inconsistency?

I'm sure I can come up with a hundred times my mood shifted and I reacted in a different way.

There is the inconsistency of wanting to have my shit together but always having it sprayed all over my home office floor.

There's the inconsistency of wanting to have two weeks planned of instruction but consistently working by flying by the seat of my pants and planning day by day. That shit is exhausting but at this point the only way my trauma-laden brain works.

There's the inconsistency of knowing exercise and walking would make me feel better but choosing to take a nap instead becuase I am just so damn exhausted all the time.

I suppose there is even the inconsistency of wanting to fly far far away but knowing that's more work than its worth. Would I even be happy far far away or is that just "Running away" and creating more drama for myself?

Is there room for mine?

That's a tricky question.

I have room for my own inconsistency? Isn't that why my therapist tells me to be kind to myself? Certainly working out all kinds of inconsistencies in my brain warrants allowing myself to do so.

Is there room for them in my house? Certainly not. The moment I waffle on any of these topics, the judgement comes in from my alcohoic partner.

He's so sick of himself that the moment I waffle in indecision I hear things like "Make up your fucking mind" and "are you sure?"

Even things like "You don't know what you want so don't put that on me."

So mostly I just sit with my inconsistency and try to live with it. Even if alcohol wasn't involved, I would still be inconsistent.

I think this prompt is hard to write to knowing that its going to public because:

Don't we spend our lives trying to hide our inconsistencies and not have them brought up to the public?

Isn't inconsistency considered a flaw?

One of those flaws that will get you outcast in the game of life?

I think I hid a lot of my inconsistencies from myself!

I'm having a hard time pulling them up here.

I'm having a hard time pulling an indivudal one time incident up.

You certainly don't get a head in the education world by being inconsistent.

You go in each day with the same set of expectations for the same group of students or you get your ass walked over and then judged by your superiors. "The good teachers do anyway." Whatever that means. I, by all means, am not a good teacher. I am in inconsistent teacher. So pardon me if inconsistent brings up some bile. Probably why I'm not that great at my job either.

I'm certainly inconsistent with expectations but I have my reasons.

And I don't share them with Cameron anymore and I don't share them with my boss -- but it seems to be working my current setting.

When I think about it, there is only fucking room to be fucking perfect when you are living with an alcoholic, is that right? Any inconsistency I posess I have to sweep out of the way until the alcoholic is out of sight and out of mind.

Any inconsistency I display gets the cold shoulder or the screaming treatment and judged unfairly.

Any at all and I'm not worthy to be human. Has that been the problem all along? Is that what this question wanted me to explore?

I'm exhausted. 

John Green on living with OCD, his teenage goth phase, and his new book ...

Echoes of Recovery Writing: Turning Points and Mindset Shifts

 I would like to say I have had some big mindset shifts lately, but in reality I don't really think I have and that is probably why I'm sitting here on a Tuesday night trying to write to this prompt at 10:20 pm. I don't usually stay up this late, but I find myself here for tonight because I just need a little more time awake and to myself. Time that is just mine. Not time that I'm answering emails or grading or helping students or stressing about a problem with a student at work.

Not one that is Cameron's either. I need to learn how to throw that shit back at hime better, according to family group. He has to take control of his recovery.

In talking to another spouse of an addict and alcoholic tonight, one who is much farther along on her journey than I am, she told me that she told her husband that he makes her feel small and she's not willing to make herself feel small at the expense of their marriage. And I thought that was a really bold move.

Of course, then she said she did that in couple's therapy, and I felt like that was a wise choice to say that with a third party present. It is safer that way.

I have been feeling small around Cameron for years. That was how his alcoholism and alcoholic behavior has affected me. The difference in my mindset here is that I have never said that to his face. I have yelled and whined and screamed and tantrumed that he needs to leave me alone, and I've faught with him over little things, but is this really what is at the root of the issue?

I think the mindset shift comes when we partners and loved ones realize the toll it has taken on our own sense of self and self-esteem or self-worth. Cameron has spent so much time convincing me that I have a problem. I have a problem with cleanliness, housekeeping, and organizaiton. I have a problem with listening and never listen well. I have been listening to this shit for years it has become so ingrained in me that I am not worth the sack of shit you can bury me in. I am not worth the time I give myself to take a shower or comb my hair in the morning.

But the mind has started to shift. I've started to become aware of the way alcohlics manipulate. And Cameron's was so subtle. In fact, it is so subtle that I'm not even sure he knows what he's doing. He hasn't been doing the work I've been doing.

But it's my fault for NOT TELLING HIM.

But if I told him I feel small around him and that's his alcoholic behavoir his response would be "but I can't make you feel anything, you're doing this to yourself."

I wish I had a third party to intervene and listen to the way we treat each other. But I know he's not ready for couple's work. He's five therapy sessions in to a new therapist and refuses to go to AA or do any kind of group work.

The mindset shift now has to become loving myself enough to recognize when he's treating me like garbage.

And to gently remind him that I don't talk to people that talk to me that way.

It's so easy to do on paper.

It's so hard to do in them moment.

The reaction is usually to avoid conflict and leave the room.

Or leave the house and go for a drive.

But that isn't going to help the situation.

The mindset shift has to be to let him know his words hurt and to request that he not speak to me like that.

And to hope that the words "you're just too sensitve" don't get thrown around.

My dad always made sure I was the tough one. He didn't raise a princess.

But the truth is that words hurt, and that is important to recognize.

No one teaches us how to be in a healthly relationship.

There. I'm done for the night. Now I have to try to sleep.

Journaling for some self-care

 Living in an alcoholic relationship with a dry drunk is not for the weak, y'all! 

I finished prepping for Monday and Tuesday

I spent "family time" with Cameron's mother and sister, with Barry and the kids and a little bit with Megan's partner Josie.

Friday afternoon Cameron told me his mother and her boyfriend were coming over and told me I didn't really have to be there. So I didn't come home until after they left. I set up a cocoon in the back of my car and lay down and had my virtual appaointment with Karri. Karri has been my therapist for some rediculous amount of time like 10 years. Or almost ten years. She always makes me feel better about life.

After that Cameron texted me about bringing home dinner for us and said his parents had already left.

Which relieved me. I didn't want to make small talk but I didn't want to pick up dinner either. We have so much food at home. It felt a little like old alcoholic behavior of past years. So many times five years ago he would ask me to pick up 12 pack of something and I reluctantly said yes because I didn't know or was in denial about how dire the circumstances were.

I asked him what he wanted for dinner and he said it was my choice. But it's never my choice. Wings were on the way home so I stopped there.

By the time I got home there was something wrong with my choice. Too little heat or soggy wings or not enough sides.

He grabbed his portion and went up stairs and I had my portion of dinner and I watched a movie downstairs and by the time the movie was half over I was tired. It was 8:30 on a friday and after being up since 5 I was a mess. I went to bed.

Cameron came in at 11:30 to wake me up from a full slumber to tell me that my sleep machine was making noise and he could hear it from another room.

Told me to do something about it.

Nevermind the fact that he could wear headphones. He could close his door. But it's always my problem.

Woke up Saturday -- before Cameron, he doesn't sleep, but go up and had my tea and finished the movie I started. Took a walk. Read my book. Got some work stuff done.

Cameron wakes up at 12 and demands we go to Home Depot to look at storm doors. Says his mom is paying for them. Whatever. I go with him because I don't want an argument and want to seem agreeable. We grab tacos around the corner for lunch.

He doesn't want to eat there despite me saying I do. We get it to go.

He buys flowers at Home Depot because he wants bees in the yard as pollinators.

We go back home. I have to chaperone prom in Atlanta that night and am meeting a group of teachers for dinner before hand.

I take a nap because I know it's going to be a long night.

I put on a dress and Cameron criticizes it. Tells me I look frumpy and asks if I have a better one.

I say this is comfortable and leave.

I'm early to Atlanta so I browse a nearby bookstore before going to Felinis with my crew.

At dinner I suffer through conversation with teachers that can't turn off work on a Saturday night. I lament having genuine conversations instead of ones where people complain about coworkers I actually connect with.

Mentally make a note to avoid these people at work this week.

We go to prom, it was actually a lovely event, kids have fun, look amazing, and are well behavied for prom.

I come home and the first thing Cameron says is that Miso heard my erratic driving. He heard me pull up and said I was loud pulling in.

It's midnight and I go to sleep.

Mind you, I could have spent the night at my parents becuase they were much closer to the event last night, but I didn't becuase Cameron said he wanted to check out tomoatoes in the morning.

So when I wake up, we go to his sisters and do tomoato shopping.

I said I didn't want a repeat of last year. I didn't want 50 plants sit unused and die before they get planted.

Cameron got so mad. He told me that that was before rehab and he wouldn't do that and not to bring that up.

He told me not to rehash bad situations.

I am ready to resentment process.

He is not.

He is so full of shame.

He is so full of shame and he doesn't realize it.

Cameron's mother told me tonight that she thinks he's doing better from an interaction standpoint, that he was able to talk to her this weekend in a nicer form. She only sees him twice a year. Of course it's going to be performative.

She told me she likes talking to me becuase Cameron is just like his father.

It dawned on me then that this family is steeped in generational alcoholic behavior and they don't realize it.

She is SO USED to being put down by her husband before he died and by her son, and even by her daughter, who is mean as a snake.

It saddens me even further after what I know about generational trauma.

I want Cameron to embrace recovery.

I want him to be nicer.

He is just not capable of it.

And even today with the comment about food and snapping at me and saying "this is just what people talk about"

Which is another form of "you're the one with the problem."

He said it had nothing to do with me.

Another version of you're too sensitive.

So no, I won't bring up bigger issues.

I won't bring up how he makes me feel small.

He's not ready.

But I'm ready to walk away.

Quietly.

I'm ready for my self-worth to not be attacked anymore.

Aimee Carty- Child Again (Official Lyric Video)

Y'all. She did it. Again. This young singer/songwriter has me in tears and never ceases to amamze me. Beautiful. 

750 words repost

 THE DAY'S WORDS

I only have eight more TPS (ok, EL-TPCs reports to lock and I am so proud of myself.

I sat on these for months becuase they are so tedious. But now that EOCs are near and I have to do them, I will do them but I will complain about them every step of hte way. Ugh.

I'm so glad they are almost done.

They just suck. There is no way to make this task fun.

No way.

I'm at a bar, listening to Matt and Sherri on Youtube. And that's the irony.

It is how I relax.

They are talking about intamacy.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EaJ25Ao5J5E

Matt published an article titled, "Her Touch," on SoberandUnashamed.com. The article exposes a new aspect of sex and intimacy that Sheri and Matt have never discussed, and Matt is super anxious about it. Anxiety is a universal expression of fear, and we are not immune even after years of vulnerability.

He said he was upset that no one commented, but it was it was a touchy subject so naturally I'm going to read it and comment.

https://mattsalis.medium.com/her-touch-sober-and-unashamed-96cd2ae5dd6f
My comment to him:

I'm sorry you didn't get much engagement from your touch article. It is a very delicate subject, but I read it and it did resonate with me. Thank you for being your authentic self once again and showing that it is possible to be authentic and connection-driven without substance use. It's a phenomenon that my loved one still hasn't clung to but that which I crave and have had to cling to in other areas of my life.

Good things:

1. Esra telling me that my class in 6th period was the first class she was authentically able to speak English in all day. (How sad for, her, but yay I'm doing something right, right?!)

2. Aaron writing his reading reflection telling me that he didn't read but he did look up cures for his sprained wrist and how worried his is about it that he can't play baseball this season. It's not good he hurt his wrist. It is good that he is OK communicating this with me in writing in English.

3. Mauricio checking out another animal book at the library.

4. Pixar movie shorts with 11th/12th Grade. We should all watch Pixar shorts.

5. Renee Westlake. Seriously. Breath of fresh air. She believes in all of us and loves her job. Loves all of our jobs. I love all of my interactions with this woman.

6. Ms. Krishna. I told her my students think of her as mom and this overjoyed her. She is also the second person in school I opened up to about Cameron's addiction. And I didn't mean to. She was sitting on my TPS reports and I felt bad for outing her. I had to open up with humanity first. She felt bad and opened up about being overwhelmed. It seemed appropriate. She mentioned not communicating with her husband. Not knowing what 10am looks life in real life becuase where are we all at 10am. She mentioned not living life. Being here until 4, going home, grading and planning, coming back and repeating the cycle. She hit me in MY feels. She mentioned not seeing her husband. I mentioned the same. I mentioned not WANTING to see my partner. Not feeling seen. She said she loved her husband. I said I didn't like my partner. She said she loved her husband but he made her feel like a child. She actually said he told her he wasn't her father and she needs to grow up. I wondered about that for a second and thought about everything I talked about in therapy and family group. I said my partner was in addiction and mental health treatment. She said I just needed to love him more. What? That is what you are not supposed to say. I said I was doing my work and he was doing his. I said I couldn't love him sober. She agreed. And then her kids started coming in for after school tutoring and she started introducing them to me one by one. She cares. She's one of the good ones. But we are both lacking so much connection it isn't funny. She needs to be back in India. I need to fly out of the country so bad.

7. Going the alternative route today. Throwing out my plans. Going to check out books and read them. Going on a scavenger hunt to find red and blue things and take pictures of them around the school. Authentic conversations.

8. Emily Gibson walking into my room 5th and seeing my and her students hanging out an eating lunch. Maybe she will see how I connect. I know she so desperately wants to connect. And I want her to. But she's so young and she wants to so badly connect with our kids but also wants to play the authority card. And there's a way to play both. And I'm so glad she stopped by today. She needs to experience adult converation and I need to experience connection with her. Maybe I am doing her a favor. Maybe I'm doing my students a favor by connecting with her. I gave her my personal phone number! She is so academic right now and not real people focused. I think it's good for people like Ambar and Sofiia to see that I can have conversations with people I don't really get along with...

Alcoholism in Movies, Musicals, and Media

 I should start a video series but this would be my first one. 

https://youtu.be/DMS18ShVrZw?si=IuSbzvTlx1cQL8vv

For sure. 

He was a complete basatard!
I hated the sod for thirty three year,
we should never have married of that i'm quite clear,
he spent the housekeeping money on whiskey and beer and never lifted a finger.

times were hard,but the slime rolled back pissed,
so we'd fight and he'd swing and he rarely missed,
so i clobbered the sod when he couldn't resist, asleep you can't lift a finger,

but we'd go dancing, and he'd hold me tight,
he was air, he was water, he was breath, he was light,
and he would hold me there with all his might and it was bliss for an hour or so,
but then they called time to go, and in the morning we were sober.

oh he'd drink and he'd talk just like a fool,
lie like a bairn, snore like a mule,
rarely was sober pretty much was the rule and he never lifted a finger,

i suppose times were hard,things were different then,
women were women and men, they were men,
seventeen, that was it,your life ended when you had a ring around your finger

but we'd go dancing, he was my own brando,
and for a moment there my heart was aglow,
we had dust on our hair and nowhere to go,
but we were free for an hour or three,
from the people we had to be,
but in the morning, we were sober,

but if i went through my time again oh i'd do without the help of men,
well at least your grandad but then again you know best not to linger,

what is the use of dreaming now,
i had my chance well anyhow,
if i'd only know then what i know now,
i'd have given them all the finger.

and gone dancing,
and not give a shit,
spin around and reel and love every bit,
and i'd dance alone and enjoy it, andi'd be me for and entire life,
instead of somebody's wife,
and i never would be sober.

Last Update: June, 10th 2013

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Musical: Billy Elliot. Song: Grandma's Song. Broadway musical soundtrack lyrics. Song lyrics from theatre show/film are property & copyright of their owners, provided for educational purposes

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