Sometimes I underestimate the value of a good support network

I'm reminded tonight who the important people in my life are, and am glad they are there. The good kind of support always does that to you.

The good kind of support listens, and doesn't judge. The good kind of support doesn't give unsolicited advice, unless you ask for an opinion. The good kind of support doesn't tell you what you "should be" doing at this point in your life and make you feel inferior when you aren't there. I do enough of that without anyone's help, thank you very much.

The good kind of support feels safe.

I had forgotten for a while what safe feels like when talking to people. I had forgotten until today. Until I talked to the one person that always felt safe.

At one point in our conversation, she reminded me that "I was always compliant."

Well that's the under statement of the year. And then I was reminded how compliance is evil. Compliance has always been the way I do things, to avoid conflict. It worked until it didn't. I generally worked in school. Being invisible is how I roll. But invisibility and compliance don't work in life.

I was reminded that in a gentle way today. I have been told that by others, but I don't think it sunk in until now.

I don't think I have a point with this post, and it will certainly take much more reflection to get at what can even be considered a point, but sometimes it just takes the right person. To listen. Absorb. And quietly suggest. How can someone know you better than you know yourself? A little scary, but I'm willing to give this a shot...

Photos of the day

I'm trying to make a conscious effort to take more photos everyday. I want to document the exciting moments as well as the not-so-exciting moments. Here, we have the latter. A couple of photos on the train north of Atlanta on the way downtown to class, and then one of a painting in progress the night before. This is my life, folks. Take it or leave it.

HappyThankYouMorePlease

is a movie about happiness, sadness, loving, hurting, confusing, and much more. Seriously one of my new favorite movies about the condition of life's transitions and in particular the state of being a 20something. Doesn't hurt that it's written by Josh Radnor, the co-star of the movie and HIMYM. And it's a Sundance Film, so it has to be good right? I watched this and it blew me away. I have to get the monologue that the Malin (sp?) character performs on the phone to an answering machine in this scene. The speech begins at the 5:14 mark. Seriously worth quoting and putting up on my bathroom mirror as an affirmation.



It's available on Netflix as a DVD. Not sure if it's available as an instant stream.

Favorite Quote of the movie for the moment:

Sadness be gone, let’s be people who deserve to be loved, who are worthy, cause we are worthy.

Bad attitude?

Saw this on the webs, thought I'd share. Some words to live by.

40 THINGS That Happened in the month of JULY

Mainly to convince myself that I really haven't been sitting on my ass the WHOLE time I've been back from Korea...

1. Scored a job at EnAble of GA.
2. Discovered Vista Yoga.
3. Lost 10 lbs since returning from Korea.
4. Reconnected with UUCA.
5. Registered for Sign Language @ GSU.
6. Met ladies of the Barrington house, at work. Amazing women.
7. Met Amy, my house lead at work. Amazing woman.
8. Met Gabe, other weekend SA. Another amazing woman.
9. Trained to work with dev. disabled adults, met wonderful staff at training.
10. Told Danielle I wasn't moving to Athens after all.
11. Had another therapy session with amazing woman I stumbled into by chance in Decatur.
12. Came to terms with being in therapy, and what that means.
13. Became slightly more comfortable with myself.
14. Saw Neil Patrick Harris in COMPANY!!!
15. Spent the weekend alone with mom, grandma, grandpa, and the island of CEDAR KEY.
16. Reconnected with Florida cousins and saw the springs.
17. Got my haircut and re-colored and met Beth.
18. Saw Larry Crowne (by myself.)
19. Finished Big Love season 3.
20. Finished Cheers, season 2.

Holy shit, I'm only at 20? I'm really not that interesting, am I?

21. Made miso soup (semi) successfully.
22. Watched Ashley on the Bachelorette get engaged, LOL, on Hulu.com.
23. Listened as Mary Elizabeth told me she got engaged.
24. America got F@#$ed by the debt ceiling.
25. S. Korea flooded (monsoon season.)
26. Norway shot up by crazy dude.
27. U.S.A. lost women's world cup to Japan.
28. I discovered the joy of cupcakes.
29. Decided to start a budget. (Next month.)
30. Decided to stick to a budget. (Next month.)

I can't even come up with 30! Yikes.

31. Discovered Red Mango Frozen Yogurt. LOL. Awesome!
32. Found an amazing facial from Chastain Wellness Studio on LivingSocial.com.
33. Grouponed it at Paint your own pottery studio THE POTTERY PLACE in Suburban Plaza.
34. Rediscovered Cowboy Mouth on the iPod.
35. Rediscovered Billy Joel on the iPod.
36. Discovered new podcasts on iTunes. Shoot me a comment if you're interested in more details.
37. Declared my love for City of Lakes Americorps' new website, launched this month.

(Woo hoo! Almost done!)

38. Discovered BOOK OF MORMON and soundtrack and still can't tell if I love it or hate it. (But listen compulsively.)
39. Saw SPAMALOT. I think that was either late June or early July. Can't remember.
40. Vowed to journal more next month.

That felt good. Done.

Clearly the month of me. July. Good month. Must be more social next month.

I'm on a roll with journal posting tonight

So let me continue outing my feelings for the public to read, because it's kinda cathartic.

From journal, July 30, 2011:

Good Lord. Is all I have to say. Is Whoa. and Good Lord. I have a total new found respect for those that work with this population on a regular basis. I am exhausted after a full day of these ladies, and I need a stiff drink. LOL. I can only imaine how Amy feels after a whole week. And I swear I think L's voice is going to haunt me in my dreams. LOL. It has two volume settings: loud and loudest.

But Jeanette (house manager) was right. This is rewarding. It's the only job that actually give something back and doesn't leave you emotionally drained. The ladies are like the fountain of giving when it comes right down to it, in a way that words don't do justice too. I just look forward to coming back next weekend. And that is something most people can't say about their jobs. I know this, because I've never thought that about any of my other jobs, teaching children included.

Maybe C's mom was right. Maybe I really have found "God's work." Only time will tell.

Flashback Wednesday

From the journal: July 27, 2011

I'm writing names on the board as is my daily ritual, mentally preparing myself for the morning when all of a sudden I hear "TEACHER!" I look up to see a very angry Korean kid. He squinches his nose at me and his eyes close so I can't see the whites. Standing behind the table with his hands on his hips, I realize exactly what I have done for the 47th time that year, and I immediately grab the eraser for the dry erase board. I know my mistake instantly. I look at the names and erase my cursive-style E and replace it with a printed D'nealian stlye E. My elementary teachers know what I'm talking about. Instantly, Eric sits down, still annoyed, but ready to start his English-learning day.

I honestly don't know how these kids do it everyday. Instant English immersion. Only English. Deal with me. Eric eventually grew on me. He was my strongest English brain. He caught on the quickest. Could always count on him and his pal Justin to have their hands in the air and know exactly what I am talking about. I don't know how, maybe it's just genius. Because put me in a classroom with a Korean teacher barking orders at me at age 6 and I would have run for the door and never come back. Once he got over my crazy writing and his name was printed nicely with five stars on the board everyday, he thrived. I honestly miss this kid. I wonder how he's doing now...

For a visual, Eric (English name only) is on the right. He's probably a lot bigger now.

Look at me, I'm Creative!

But not really artistic. I did discover this quaint little studio a few weeks back and decided to give it a second try. I liked this instructor better, she was a little more laid back and willing to break the rules a bit. But I've never really painted before, so I consider this a definite positive step in my journey to artist-ville! Plus, I'm having fun. So there.

Flashback Friday

I was reminded to flashback to 2002 by a Face book friend yesterday and so I thought I'd play along. This one's for you, @Kristin Nemechek aka Wish!

April 22, 2002

Happy Earth Day!!! Well...One more week of classes left and too much to do! while I'm excited about te one week thing, I'm not excited about eh 3 tests, a paper, and a time line project due within the course of a week. The people in my room (Brian, Alisha, Emily) have a sick twisted sense of humor and I don't like it. Oh well. I worked all day today (between classes and meetings) before finally collapsing on the floor at ~ 9. Then there was no more work after hat, a person can only do so much in a day ya' know....and tomorrow is another day! Going to go to Barnes and Noble after my 8 am and The View (no math at 11 am today) and read my ass off..cause I have shit loads of reading to get done. First priority is CHFD 2950 (child development) cause that test is first on Thursday @ 8am. After that, it would be on to Math 1060 cause that is next on Thursday (11 am) and if I'm in the mood, what the hell, I might as well add CHFD 2100 to the reading schedule too, cause lord knows I have to read that test on Friday 4/29/02/. Yuck.

Then on to Thursday of this week, when I can breathe again after half of my shit is over, I will attempt to begin my paper for Foundations of Education class. And then there's the time line-- easy yet time-consuming. That will be weekend's work. That and paper. Yuck. and 2100 test. Yuck. Then it's all over. And I pack half of my shit and take it home and study for my first two finals (Bio and 2100 at home cause' it's quieter, come back on Friday morning to take two finals on Fri. morning to take two finals on Friday afternoon, stay the weekend and study for other finals, take hem on Tuesday, pack rest of stuff and get out of here for good, for while. The day will be so beautiful!!! I can't wait!!!

I have to say that reading this is painful! 2002 was my sophomore year at UGA. I was helplessly engrossed in my studies. School helped hide the pain I was in when dealing with the world. I engrossed myself in my studies, but didn't have much of a life going for myself. I hated UGA, but settled in and prepared for my major. It wasn't a happy year, but reading over my journal entries made me realize how far I've come. I realize know how sheltered I was and how far I've come socially. I never want to go back to Athens now that I realize this...I realize how painful that year really was. UGA may have granted me a degree, but I declared my freedom.

Mondays mean nothing to me now

It's bothering me lately that my calendar has so many cross-outs on it. I have written in and penciled out my work schedule so many times, and it's wrong. With people going on vacation and returning and changing their minds, I have just about had it with messing up my schedule. I don't like indecision. Or maybe it's my own confusion. All I know is I need a new calendar. I need to start over. Does any one ever feel like they need a do-over in the great game of life? Does anyone ever feel like rambling? After all what else are blogs for? I know this post makes no sense what so ever, but this is MY little corner of the web and I can do whatever I want with it. In this big wide scary world, that's all the comfort I need right now. OK, off to clean and control the little bit of the world I CAN control. Peace.

Love it

Here.

I need this t-shirt too!