Noveling Madness

As some of you well know, I have taken on the challenge of writing a novel in a month. As some of you may not know, I am failing miserably. Here it is the third day of November, and I am at 963 words. LOL. If I have to arrive at 50,000 by the end of the month, I have to write 1,667 each day. That should put me at 5,001 by the end of today. Yikes.

I have never had more motivation to organize everything in my wallet, closet, kitchen, or bathroom. I have never had more motivation to NOT WRITE. There is something so daunting about 50,000 words and having them have to make sense. It's a challenge that far exceeds blogging on a regular basis. With blogging, I can make my posts random and incoherent if I wish to. If I want to do that in NaNo, I will have a harder and harder time turning it into something. Maybe I shouldn't worry about that. Maybe I should just write. Right now, I've started with something autobiographical, hoping to turn it into a chick-lit story of four girls facing the real world. I've started categorizing chapters around each girl. I have a lot of characterization. I don't have a lot of plot. For those of you who have written a novel, will plot come naturally? If I have all the characters in mind and what I want them to behave as, will plot flow into something interesting and readable as time and word count progress?

It sounds like every other piece of chick-lit novelish drek that's out there already, no? You're probably right in assuming that. But if they can do it and get rich, so can I, right? Anyone else doing NaNo this year? Anyone want to share there advice? Comisserate? Offer motivation? You are welcome to do so here. Calling you, dear readers...especially one in particular...that's YOU: EMMY @ LUCKY BALL CHARMS. Yes, now you can't escape.

Why do I not like PAID work?

I swear I could volunteer ALL day everyday if I could survive. It's so much easier causes me way less stress than actual working. I get just as much done, without the fear of actually disappointing the person that is paying me and feeling that I've done something wrong. Volunteers are always appreciated, and if they aren't, they don't have to come back. There is accountability, but only the positive kind and it seems, as soon as one brings money in the picture the situation turns sour with the idea that one must actually prove their worth. So yes, I do feel that the world would be a better place if there were no jobs, and everyone took responsibility for their own tasks and were not so reliant on the next dollar to get them where they were going. Interesting concept, but I fear I have no idea what I am talking about. So take it for what it's worth.

Thanks, Emmy!!!

I feel like this today, thanks to my job search. Strangely though, this is comforting...

Summer, by the numbers

14 Days left in the month of June, 2008
22 Days left until summer school starts at Nellie Stone Johnson
24 Days left until my writing class begins at the Loft (I'm taking Freelance Writing, Articles and Columns and I'm excited!)
26 Days left until my other Loft workshop starts (I'm taking Journal Workshop, harvesting material from the Journal and I'm even more excited!)

I need to find a job.
I need to find a job.
I need to find a job.

Have you tried this?

I'm out of school for the year and thinking more completely about my other couple of jobs. As a part of the coaching component for my PCA jobs, I'm required to identify my personal life vision. The following assignment is one I have to have to complete by mid-August. However, I have NO idea how to approach this. Not a clue.

Creating a Life Vision

1. Health and Wellness
2. Spiritual Growth
3. Play and Recreation
4. Personal Growth
5. Career
6. Community
7. Relationships
8. Financial
9. Physical Environment

If I could have anything I want in each of these nine areas, what would I want and what would my life look like?

If a genie appeared and granted me three wishes, what would I ask for?

Consider your list. What would you like to do with it? What would be the best first step you could take with the list as a whole or in one of the areas that would launch you toward what you want?

Write reflectively.


Any ideas? I've been so focused on others lately, maybe it will do me some good to focus on myself. But this, like anything else, takes practice! Help!

Summer plans

Part of me longs for the summers that I used to pack my bags and go to camp for the whole summer. Ah camp, where the worst of my troubles was trying to figure out whether to do the spiral or the striped pattern on my tie dye t-shirt and how to teach it to a bunch of pre-adolescent females. That part of me wants nothing more than to find a good girl scout camp up here and ship off tomorrow. The logical part of me says I'm way to old for that and I should be focusing on my future. I hate that I'm so darned logical sometimes. I'm going to continue to look for PCA jobs, while working on the grad school application process. And I'll keep reminding myself to take this ONE DAY AT A TIME.

See you in SEPTEMBER...

So the NEW YORK opportunity of a lifetime has been pushed back to September. Which is good and bad. One one hand, I now have time to find an actual JOB in New York City before I head up there to house-sit/cat-sit for Danielle. On the other hand, it gives me more time to be unsure of my self and this decision. I can do this. I will do this. It will be great. I have exactly seven months to convince myself that I am worthy of a job that pays an actual salary and that will allow me to not live in a cardboard box on the streets of NY. Surely I can pull this one off without a hitch, right?

Is New York warmer than Minneapolis? Just an honest question!

Spellebound by, well, spelling?

After seeing the buzz and conversation generated by students at the school spelling bee a few weeks ago, and having a co-worker recommend this movie to me, I'm curious. Why is spelling so exciting? Is it more of the competition element than the actual spelling? I enjoyed the diverse backgrounds that each of the contestants they chose to highlight came from. I found myself rooting for each of them, if not some a little more than others. I think April was my favorite because she reminds me a little of myself and a little of my 9th grade best friends. Finally, someone that admits to her pessimism at a young age has a head full of realistic expectations on her shoulders. Above all, I believe that this film put a really good spin on the National Spelling Bee and humanity in general. Competitions like this one always get a bad rap for pushing children past their limit, but these children chose to be here and went along with the processes. The parents seemed level-headed, and wanted nothing but the best for their children. When each was eliminated from the competition, no one parent was overly irrational. Disappointed maybe, but always supportive. Life is about learning lessons of hard work, and each of these kids worked extra hard to get where they are today. Life is also about learning that there can only be one winner. If you have to loose to show that, you have to be willing to admit defeat. I think I enjoyed this film because I laughed, cried, and empathized with the characters a little too much. And yes, you need to Netflix this film now.

The following is from a letter I wrote earlier today...

I thought it would make a neat life update this week.

...I'm still enjoying the AmeriCorps gig in Minnesota...but I am currently looking for something a little more challenging and, well, I'm a girl of practical means, so PROFITABLE. I've had it (up to here) with national service after nearly two years. I love it, but I just feel like I've done my time. I don't want to loose my ability to explore different careers and regions of the U.S./World, but I think it's time to get serious about life/work.

That requires making a commitment, which requires making a decision. All of these things require confidence. Scary scary scary stuff. I've gotten more, and recouped from that tragic Georgia teaching incident, but something like that sticks with a person. I have learned that I don't really want to work in a school. I needed this experience to tell me that, right? Work with great teachers, and seriously smart, talented, sweet kids. Love the kids, hate the environment. So many other factors involved, in that decision, but I think it's the right one for me right now. So I'm looking elsewhere.

I think I recall telling you I had a non-paid museum internship after my first year of service. I loved that, so I began looking for museum jobs up here. I'm applying for this one:

#2007-2052 TEACHER/INSTRUCTOR , Education. Occasional/Non-Exempt (10-20 hrs/wk). EEO 2. Develop and teach science enrichment classes and camps at the Science Museum. Resumes are currently being accepted for school year and/or summer positions. Responsibilities: Plan, prepare, and present science lessons at the museum. Requirements: BA/BS and teaching license in science or education. Minimum of 25 science credits or related experiences/demonstrated knowledge of science content. Classroom teaching experience. Excellent communication skills, creativity, resourcefulness, and professional attitude. Pay rate: $13.00/hr. Application deadline: Open


If I get it and like it, I might go for a masters in MUSEUM EDUCATION. Who knows. That's about all for now. I'm really scared but excited at the same time. As usual, I hope all is well with you. Have I mentioned it's cold here? -4F today. Yikes!


Ideas, opinions, sharing welcome. I always enjoy your feedback!

My Circle of Hell

I could have written this article, because I lived it. It's a dangerous problem and deserves more attention than it receives. Or, shall I say, it's sufferers deserve more attention than they receive. But it's also a tricky subject to approach with someone with an eating disorder as well. Never-the-less, I'm glad someone is finally coming out with some kind of press on the issue, and in my home town as well.

Summer in Ohio

From THE LAST 5 YEARS. This is my new obsession. Are you going slightly batty 40 miles east of Cinncanatti? I know that's kind of a metaphor for my holiday week at home. I'm 35 miles west of Atlanta, and while I do have access to cable and the web, I don't have a sense of independence, which is why I moved to MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA. I love this song because it shows how desparate I feel right now. I'm also a little angry for reasons I have only yet to figure out. So bear with me, and I will figure something out. Maybe I AM doing something right!

I'm taking a true risk here..

...and might delete this shortly after I post this, but I was feeling vulnerable that night and thought I needed to let off some steam. I'm just not sure the whole world needs to see it. Here goes; comments welcome.

December 22, 2007

I never realized how much I rely on others for support and kind words of support until today, really. I do know I've always felt good when others have told me how much I rock, but I was told today that I am the other half of two of the teachers I work with at school. As great as it made me feel to know this and to know that I'd been supporting people and they actually recognize this and appreciate it, I do have to say, if I'm one half of two people, where is the part for me?

Both halves of me are going to two people, so what am I lacking? Me time? Time to support myself? Why do I do this in every work and personal life situtation I enter? Is it self-esteem? Do I really think I suck that badly to martyr myself out so badly to every person I meet?

I really have to start thinking this way, don't I? I really have to start creating time for myself. I really have to start making myself a priority. New Year's Resolution anyone? I love New Year's Resolutions! No, actually, I hate them. But they are quite necessary, and the first of the year (particularly being my birth month) is a good time to start. I can't say that no longer will I be a slave to anyone else. For I thrive on being of service to those arround. Perhaps that is why I joined a National Service Program?

I'm asking a lot of questions here, and I don't expect answers right away. I begin my 26th year in two weeks. I propose a toast to me. Whitney Houston said it first (though maybe not best?) when she said "I've found the Greatest Love of All inside of me..." and I think there is an element of truth to the fact that the the greatest love of all is indeed learning to love oneself. I propose that my 26th year is a year I commit to that love, or the persuit of it at least. Geez, it's about time, isn't it?

I'm listening to the song now. It's really quite meaningful to my situtation now, please don't laugh. But "Let the children't laughter remind us of how we used to be..."

I am a teacher dangit. I need to take some cues from children and learning to be a little more carefree. Less self-conscious, less self-aware. My self-awareness is my greatest gift and my greatest curse at times.

and "Everyone searching for a hero, people need someone to look up to..."

I've been doing this with teachers from the time I was ten. Teachers modeled for me what I was supposed to be like. But I fear I transposed the the role to be like, and sometimes I try to be them, and get discouraged when I can't be them. How silly is that?

Of course I can't be them! I look up to them, even the teachers I work with now, but they certainly aren't better than me, and I need to learn to focus on that a little more. I am beautiful alone, by myself, and just me. I can be LIKE whomever I feel like being LIKE, but I must stop there and not try to BECOME anyone else but the me I want to be.

In short, I'm going to try to love life a little more. Enjoy myself in the presence of others. Heck, I would like to become the LEADING LADY of my own life, instead of the best friend in the movie version of my life.

26, 2008. New me. No, not a new me, just a better me. Just me.

I'm copying posts from my journal over at DailyStrenth.org

You should check it out. It's just a small way I cope with my anxiety. And yes, I'm choosing to go public with it. I've been journaling like this for years, but I think it's finally time to come out of the closet and get some support this way.

Wednesday December 12, 2007

Who am I and where do I belong?



Those are the thoughts that seem to keep resurfacing lately.



Who am I and where do I belong?



They come up in every situation I enter.



Work, school, (school is work), socializing, friends. I don't deserve to be here. I don't deserve this life. So many other people could do this job better than I could. Why am I here and what is my purpose? Does someone care to elaborate? Does anyone relate? I feel like I never belong!!!