Just thoughts, and an invitation to share your own...

My quote of the week is something like “Please at least PRETEND to listen to me, folks. It will do you some good.” Help me to prove that I am worth something in this school. I am a student. I am not a teacher. I am introvert in an extrovert's world. I was trained as a teacher, but there is no way I would ever do that job again. I enjoy being an assistant most days; this bothers me greatly. I am ready to move on. I am ready to move up, but where do I go from here? I will ignore the fact that I am just like the student that told me today that he sucks at writing and gave up. I had nothing to tell him. I tell myself that I suck at everything ALL THE TIME. It's time to make a change. It’s a common story, more common that imagined for most late twenty-some things. I find myself quite frequently accepting less than I know students can do out of pure frustration, and I’m unhappy with myself for it. This is one of the many reasons I will never be a teacher. It is also one of the many reasons I am looking toward nursing school or physician’s assistant school more and more.

It’s that time of year folks. It’s the time of year for reflection. It’s the time of year that all perfectionists and idealists reflect and come to the conclusion that we can all do that much better. We set lofty goals for ourselves and others. We harp on ourselves and others. We bitch and moan. We take it out on others at holiday gatherings. I don’t know about anyone else, but I’m dreading my family gatherings because of this very reason. I already tell myself that I haven’t accomplished shit this year, so I don’t want to hear it from anyone else. In anticipation of this, I turn inward and start criticizing myself. I realize of course that this defeats the whole spirit of the holiday. I hate giving gifts because I can never find the “perfect” gift. Does this sound familiar? I hate starting conversations because I don’t want to tell others what I’ve been up to this year for fear of the compare game. You know the drill. “You’ve been doing X with him?” “I’ve changed the world. What have you done this year?” You know the compare game well, if you haven’t participated already in some form or another.

I challenge myself and all of you to get out of your own head this holiday season. To do this, I have to sometimes disconnect from the world. I have to forget that I have a close friend teaching English at a Chinese University, and another friend writing India’s first draft of a child abuse law, overseas, before heading to South Africa. I have countless friends finishing their fifth year of teaching, and I quit mid-year of my first. I have to let go of this. But how? I have to lobotomize myself to the fact that I have been out of college for over five years already, and I’m not married at *gasp* almost twenty-eight years of age. IT DOESN'T MATTER. At the heart of my being I know this. At the heart of my being I know that I’m worthy of praise and love even if I haven’t completed a full year of teaching anywhere or have no savings account to speak of.

Those things, material things, will come much later. I have my health and good friends, and that is all that is important. Instead of giving my parents my Samantha American Girl doll so they will shut up about grandchildren, I will calmly point out that I do things on my own schedule, when I please and be OK with that. I am done pleasing other people. It is time to please myself. Then maybe I can go and make a real difference.

To those in helping professions and tend toward a perfectionist and idealist side to their work: What helps you cope? What gets you through the day? How do you prevent compassion fatigue? How do you keep from dwelling on the negative? Thoughts welcome.

I will do it by telling myself and others that I've made a small difference this year, and I won't elaborate, no matter how much I want to. I relocated to a new city ALL BY MYSELF three years ago and have survived almost THREE Minnesota winters BY MYSELF. I will be kind to myself. I have finished additional coursework and am on the way to a Master's Degree. I will make it overseas one day. I will stay positive. That IS good enough. No questions asked.

Posting some work reflections...for what it's worth

I can honestly say that I expected to hear every word I did from both of the teachers I work with. It’s assuring to see it writing, however.

I communicate well. I leave a trail of notes wherever I go if I can’t talk face-to-face with someone. People know where I am on an hourly basis. They know how I spend my time. I’m satisfied with my schedule. I was iffy, but I’m glad they think so. I need to stop doubting myself on a minute-to-minute basis.

I don’t give Mrs. K the time allotted because I don’t know how to spend the time I’m in her classroom. When I work with her students, I pull them out and we go to the library. I do more teacher assistance tasks for Ms. P because she asks me to do so and gives me explicit directions. I can’t read minds. My plan of attack is to go in to room 317 next Monday and ask Mrs. K directly and ask her how she would like me to improve upon the time spent in her classroom.

Part of this stems from the fact that I feel like I have to meet everyone’s expectations of me. Ms. P made her expectations clear up front, and Mrs. K is not quite as confrontational. The squeaky wheel always gets the grease. Mrs. K also has a student teacher, so a lot of the work I do for Ms. P is already done when I enter Mrs. K’s room and I spend a lot of time wondering what to do until it’s time to take my students.

Needless to say, I’m glad Mrs. K brought this “randomness” of time spent in her room to my attention now. I intend to fix this problem by taking the above steps. Ms. P also stated in her evaluation of me that she would gladly have me teach her class in her absence, which for an elementary teacher is high praise. So I do feel like my time so far this year has been effective, but no one is perfect. I’m improving. I will continue to improve by taking risks and trying my best. As noted by Ms. P, I learn most effectively by watching and doing, so I will continue to observe and teach my small groups and hope I can continue my service in a way that benefits me and the teachers I work with.

A life time of SERVICE

So I had this conversation with a friend this afternoon, and it was hilarious. Inspired by our bitterness for the world and no job prospects, we've come up with a solution to keeping our idea for a creative and innovative business idea. And, I need to keep my commitment to SERVICE America for life. Here goes. Edited for clarity, and occasionally stupidity.

me: I'm so going into business for myself when I have the resources
Mary: a-men!!!

Mary: what kinda business??? prostiution?
me: we should go into business together
hahaha
yeah
you in?
:-P
Mary: hell yeah!!!
me: I know a house we can use as a Brothel!
we just need clientele
Mary: really???
me: it would require you to relocate
Mary: ooooh -- i know men,..that could be easy to handle :)

Mary: the colder the better -- we would get more clients that way -- people get itchy for fun in the cold :)
i cant wait to tell the guy i started dating about our new plan :) he knows all about the cat woman status
i even made him listen to the I love you because soundtrack :)
me: hahahahahaha
that's AWESOME
I'm glad you like it
Mary: I LOVE IT!!!!!!
me: yeah
let's go to Cicely alaska
small town
not likely to get caught
or we can stay in Minneapolis
and use PPL's College House
Mary: awesome :)
can we paint the bedrooms racy colors?

me: tutoring program house
slightly immoral
but I"m sick of my moralls
yes please!
Mary: and put mirrors everywhere
heck -- we "technically" are offering a tutoring service in a way :)
me: only if you help paign
paint
:)
ohhhhh good idea!
LMAO here
oh we are servicing alright
tutoring...sure
we're tutoring
now we need a catchy slogan when I first started americorps up here
the joke was
"What do we do as AmeriCorps members?"
"We SERVICE the community"

Mary: HAHAHAHA -- I LOVE IT!!!!]
me: yeah
so that's it
servicing the community in creative ways
EVERYDAY
Mary: WOOOHOOO :)
me: so you are IN
now it's time to start recruiting
I have a pretty good network
up here
tired of being broke...
poor
want to make a difference in the life of a lonely man/woman/transvestite?
creative solutions inc...might have the OPPORTUNITY OF A LIFETIME FOR YOU
we need a catchy name
serve, unlimited
Mary: HEHhehe :)
me: creative expressions
Mary: we could totally hit on that every guy wants to sleep with a teacher thing
me: express yourself
hahahahaha
yeah
"Do you want to be TAUGHT?"
hey, I'm shockingly good at this
Mary: How about : Teach Me Something
me: ohhhh good one
Mary: eeee kinda boring -- not scandalous at a time
enough
me: teach me something....racy
teach me something exciting
teach me sex
Mary: you can be the slutty brains behind the busines
me: too explicit
that's funny
Mary: i will work on our list of dervices :)
services i mean :)
12:48 PM me: I can totally play up the virgin thing
men love the idea of seducing a virgin, no?
list of services
Mary: oh totally :)
me: nice
so, I'm workin' on the slogan
Mary: its like a crusade for them :)
me: yes it IS
Mary: i hate to do this, but i gotta run :(
i would love to continue our business plan later though
i will keep brainstorming :)


So that's that. That's my Life After AmeriCorps. Ha!

Introspection is a BITCH!

I'm doing more reflecting for my PCA job, and while it's valuable, I'm finding out some things that I'd rather not know. Not now, anyway. For example, I have more DRAINS then FUELS. I suppose that's not a good thing. Take the test, and find out what is Fueling and Draining you.

What’s Draining You?
(Start with 100 pts. Subtract 2 points per item checked.)

Relationships
_____ There are people in my life who often drain my energy (-2 per person).
_____ I have unreturned phone calls, e-mails, or letters that need to be handled.
_____ I have an unresolved conflict with a family member.
_____ I lack quality friendships in my life.
_____ I feel a void in my life created by the lack of a romantic partner.
_____ There is someone I need to forgive.
_____ There is a relationship I need to end.
_____ There is a phone call I dread making, and it causes me stress.
_____ I’m currently involved in a relationship that compromises my values.
_____ I miss being a part of a loving and supportive community.

Environment
_____ My car is in need of cleaning and/or repair.
_____ My wardrobe needs updating and/or alterations.
_____ I’d like to live in a different geographic location.
_____ I have appliances that need repair or upgrading.
_____ My home is not decorated in a way that nourishes me.
_____ My closets and/or basement are cluttered and need to be cleaned.
_____ Repairs need to be done around my home or apartment.
_____ My home is cluttered and disorganized.
_____ I miss having more beauty reflected in my environment.
_____ I watch too much television.

Body, Mind, and Spirit
_____ I eat food that’s not good for me.
_____ Something about my physical appearance bothers me.
_____ It’s been too long since I’ve been to the dentist.
_____ I do not get the sleep I need to feel fully rested.
_____ I’d like to exercise regularly but never seem to find the time.
_____ I have a health concern for which I’ve avoided getting help.
_____ I have emotional needs that consistently go unmet.
_____ There are books that I’d like to read but never seem to find time for.
_____ I lack personal interests that are intellectually stimulating.
_____ I lack a spiritual or religious practice in my life.

Work
_____ I no longer enjoy my job and have a hard time showing up each day.
_____ My work is stressful and leaves me exhausted at the end of the day.
_____ My office is disorganized, my desk is a mess, and I have trouble finding what I need.
_____ I’m avoiding a confrontation or conflict at work.
_____ I tolerate bad behavior from a boss or coworker.
_____ I am not computer literate, and it gets in the way of my productivity.
_____ I lack the proper office equipment that I need to do my job well.
_____ My work does not allow me to express my creativity.
_____ I know I need to delegate specific tasks but am unable to let go of control.
_____ I feel overwhelmed with the amount of information that enters my life in the form of mail, books, magazines, and e-mail.

Money
_____ I have tax returns that are not filed or taxes that are not paid.
_____ I pay my bills late.
_____ I spend more than I earn.
_____ I don’t have a plan for my financial future.
_____ My credit rating is not what I’d like it to be.
_____ I do not have a regular savings plan.
_____ I do not have adequate insurance coverage.
_____ My mortgage rate is high and I need to refinance.
_____ I have debt that needs to be paid off.
_____ My will is not up to date.

What’s Fueling You?
(There are 100 points available. Add 2 points for each item checked to arrive at total.)

Relationships
_____ I enjoy the company of special friends.
_____ I share my life with a soul mate.
_____ I have a blood family or chosen family with whom I feel close.
_____ I get immense pleasure from spending time with children.
_____ I have a pet that brings me joy and provides me with unconditional love.
_____ I spend time with people who make me laugh.
_____ I am part of a loving and supportive community.
_____ I have relationships that stimulate me intellectually.
_____ I have people I can turn to in times of need.
_____ I have relationships where I feel intimately connected to others.

Environment
_____ I have a special “soul nurturing” place in my home for me.
_____ I listen to my favorite music regularly.
_____ I love my sense of style and feel good in the clothes I wear.
_____ I’ve let go of all the “stuff” I no longer need.
_____ I keep fresh flowers in my home and office.
_____ My home is neat, clean, and well organized.
_____ I create beauty around me.
_____ I love the neighborhood I live in.
_____ My bedroom is the perfect place to get a good night’s sleep.
_____ I have at least one room with a beautiful view that I enjoy.

Body, Mind, and Spirit
_____ I exercise regularly.
_____ I have eliminated caffeine from my diet.
_____ I have a way to relax that eliminates stress and keeps me feeling centered.
_____ I eat healthy and nutritious foods.
_____ I care for my body with regular healthcare checkups and bodywork appointments.
_____ Each day I read something inspirational to keep my attitude positive.
_____ I have a spiritual practice that connects me with my Wise Self.
_____ I feel a strong connection to a power greater than myself.
_____ I set aside regular time for solitude and silence.
_____ I have a safe and healthy outlet for my emotional well-being.

Work
_____ I enjoy my work.
_____ My commute is stress free.
_____ I have a mentor who guides and encourages me.
_____ I always take lunch breaks.
_____ I have colleagues who inspire and respect me.
_____ I take mental health days when I need them.
_____ I feel energized at the end of most work days.
_____ My office is a beautiful space that’s well organized and free from distraction.
_____ My work contributes to a larger vision that I have for my life.
_____ My ideas and talents are welcome at work.

Money
_____ I always carry enough cash with me.
_____ I have a system to keep my finances in order, and I know where my money goes.
_____ I am fullyhttp://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gif insured and protected.
_____ I save money consistently.
_____ My taxes are paid and up to date.
_____ I’ve made smart investments that earn me top dollar.
_____ I enjoy being generous and easily share my wealth.
_____ I pay myself first.
_____ I spend my money on things that I love.
_____ I pay my credit cards in full each month.


From Take Time from Your Life
By Cheryl Richardson

The Namesake

My newest Netflix find, and an absolute gem. I know I should have read the book first, but to that I say, "meh." Absolutely beautiful, although I don't know how politically and culturally accurate it is; I found myself crying all the way through. And now I have this strange fascination with Nikolai Gogol, as in, I want to read some stuff he's written. Something tells me that I won't be able to understand it, but I want to try. So if anyone reading this post wants to recommend some Gogol, go for it and leave me a comment.

Speaking of finds, I found Educating Esme: Dairy of a Teacher's First Year in the $2 bin at the central library last week and it's a gem as well. So thoughtful, funny, candid, and heartbreaking all at once. It makes you just want to go up to Esme and hug her, and tel her that she's wonderful and to not stop doing what she's doing. Anyone who is considering teaching (or currently teaching for that matter) should read it.

I think that is all for now.

You know you have...when

I know I've lived in Minnesota too long when a 30-degree temperature calls for one less layer and leaving the house without a hat or gloves. It's a sauna out there!

I know I've been in AmeriCorps too long when (I can come up with a dozen of these...give me a few days to narrow it down a little.)

--I feel like I'm going to turn into either a PB&J sandwich, or a a plate of pasta because I've eaten it for two solid years

--TV? What's that?

--Let's see: I attach Ameri-to EVERYTHING

--Cross-country road trip; It's all of a sudden no big deal to drive from the south to the mid-west. Note on that: I still think I'm crazy.

I still can't get over the fact that two people in one week have called me brave, courageous, and other complementary adjectives. It's kind of hard to believe, but something tells me I just need to start believing it. Start thinking a little more positively about myself and what I'm doing.

That being said, I have to go start another week at school. Oh how I love servicing nationally.

Spellebound by, well, spelling?

After seeing the buzz and conversation generated by students at the school spelling bee a few weeks ago, and having a co-worker recommend this movie to me, I'm curious. Why is spelling so exciting? Is it more of the competition element than the actual spelling? I enjoyed the diverse backgrounds that each of the contestants they chose to highlight came from. I found myself rooting for each of them, if not some a little more than others. I think April was my favorite because she reminds me a little of myself and a little of my 9th grade best friends. Finally, someone that admits to her pessimism at a young age has a head full of realistic expectations on her shoulders. Above all, I believe that this film put a really good spin on the National Spelling Bee and humanity in general. Competitions like this one always get a bad rap for pushing children past their limit, but these children chose to be here and went along with the processes. The parents seemed level-headed, and wanted nothing but the best for their children. When each was eliminated from the competition, no one parent was overly irrational. Disappointed maybe, but always supportive. Life is about learning lessons of hard work, and each of these kids worked extra hard to get where they are today. Life is also about learning that there can only be one winner. If you have to loose to show that, you have to be willing to admit defeat. I think I enjoyed this film because I laughed, cried, and empathized with the characters a little too much. And yes, you need to Netflix this film now.

One day, one fine, fine day...

I will have the confidence to get up in front of a very large group of people and sing this. I love Tracy Turnblad! and of course, I *heart* musicals and musical theater. That's why I'm starting an acting class tomorrow with St. Louis Park Community Ed. I'll let you know how it goes. Meanwhile, I'm trying to make myself sing this and insert Minneapolis into the place where she sings the city. Somehow, it just doesn't work. "Good morning, Minneapolis...where there's snow on the ground for miles and miles..." er, just doesn't cut it. I'll keep working on it and I'll let you know how it goes.

My Circle of Hell

I could have written this article, because I lived it. It's a dangerous problem and deserves more attention than it receives. Or, shall I say, it's sufferers deserve more attention than they receive. But it's also a tricky subject to approach with someone with an eating disorder as well. Never-the-less, I'm glad someone is finally coming out with some kind of press on the issue, and in my home town as well.

Mulan, Kareoke style

Courtesy of none other than YouTube, of course. I LOVE this song. Go ahead, sing at the top of your lungs!