I seem to be posting weekly now

For no good reason at all...of course I could use the guise that I've been insanely busy trying to be the best I can be at work and at school, as well as at home, but really, I just haven't made the time for blogging. I'm not even quite sure where blogging fits into my life anymore. I've been watching movies for fun, not sitting down at the computer. I've been working out to relieve stress, not sitting down at the computer. Eventually, I would like to return to blogging and writing in general, but until then, until an inspiration hits, you lovely readers will have to deal with this mess of a blog to read. Random musings and quizzes and movie reviews when I feel like it. I did choose a new template, which I seem to do every month or so. I'm going to leave you now and go get some actual papers written and decide which assessments I am going to give for my case study this week. Oh, and probably do some reading in there. Feel free to leave comments on what you would like to see in this space, or just tell me to give it up, now! Happy Monday, and Happy Presidents Day. Enjoy the day off work, those who get one. And enjoy the day at work, those that are there.

In other Monday news...

I found out that I will now have two tutees with College House so that's exciting. My school was on the (local) news. You can read the transcript and see some pictures here. After school activities were cancelled today due to the weather. This never happens folks. It's bad out there. As of this writing, it is no longer snowing but the wind is blowing so hard, that it is actually blowing snow off the ground and onto the roads, affecting visibility. It's a good day to curl up under two or three covers with a book and drift off to dreamland until reality hits tomorrow morning. That sounds like its going to be my night. Also, I'm really sore in the shoulders from yoga yesterday, but it feels relatively good. Must do yoga more often. just a note to self...

Thanks, Emmy!!!

I feel like this today, thanks to my job search. Strangely though, this is comforting...

Summer, by the numbers

14 Days left in the month of June, 2008
22 Days left until summer school starts at Nellie Stone Johnson
24 Days left until my writing class begins at the Loft (I'm taking Freelance Writing, Articles and Columns and I'm excited!)
26 Days left until my other Loft workshop starts (I'm taking Journal Workshop, harvesting material from the Journal and I'm even more excited!)

I need to find a job.
I need to find a job.
I need to find a job.

Quote of the Day

If I'm a spinster for the rest of my life,
My yarns will keep me warm on cold and lonely nights. ~Kimya Dawson

I love this girl!!!

In other news, the countdown is down to 11 days. I'm so looking forward to the end of this school year. I learned a lot, and grew a lot, but that doesn't mean I don't deserve a good summer break. All in all, I'm glad I moved up here to the great upper mid-west to be apart of this community. I'm here to stay, for another year at least. More details to come.

Kid Talk

My latest conversation with my three-year-old roommate goes as follows: (read into it what you will.) I'll call the tot M.

M: (as I'm leaving for my second job of the day) J, I'm going outside! (waves shoe in general direction of my face)

Me: Oh really! That sounds fun!

M: Wanna come with me?

Me: I'd love to, but I have to go to work.

M: Again?!?!

Me: Ha! Yeah, again. Unfortunately.

M: Why???

Me: Because I'm broke. You'll understand when you're a bit older.

M: Why you broke?

Me: Ha! Because I do National Service for a living.

M: Oh! That's why you're broke!

Me: Oh M, you are so wise beyond you're years sista! Wise beyond you're years kid!

Miss Potter

I just watched this this weekend and realized that I AM Miss Beatrix Potter. And I love her. The woman didn't marry until she was over 36. She lived at home for most of her single life and dedicated herself to her work, which included writing and illustrating her children's book series. Her characters were her friends, and she was proud of them. She told herself and her fans that she would never marry, and when she did decide to, the love of her life found her by accident, as a business proposition. She was forbidden to marry him until she spent a summer away to make sure she truly wanted to marry "below her class." When the love of her life DIED that summer, she swore to herself and her parents from then on that she would do only what she desired to do and she moved out with her book profits. That's my kind of girl. She did find love again, but only after finding herself and dedicating her life to the conservation of farm land. She was a true inspiration to females everywhere!

I make a GD difference, now what about you?

This guy says it so brilliantly, I couldn't have said it better! Teaching, oh how I loathe thee, let me count thy ways. But I love thee, and this video sums up my thoughts of the week. Thanks MOM!

Oh YouTube, How I Adore Thee

Fing Helarious. Absolutely Fing Funny. Enjoy.

I've found it. My purpose has hit me in a dream.

I was talking to a camp friend tonight, a girl who is graduating this spring and is a prospective teacher. It came to me during this conversation that what this world is lacking is a teacher community. Not just at school, but at home as well. I could have benefited so immensely when I was teaching from a support network of young, first and second year teachers AT HOME, to share stories with, swap techniques over dinner with, and just generally vent frustrations to away from the workplace. It would be a healthy relationship, we'd do other non-work stuff together too, because that was another thing I felt lacking (socialization) when I was teaching and felt I didn't have a group of people to hang out with and do fun stuff with on the weekends. There just was no time! I have so much in common with teachers and generally get along with them. So why doesn't some one start a co-op of teacher housing communities somewhere? Perhaps this will be my next great big idea. This is something I strongly believe in, and would not mind putting effort into the idea of developing physically, mentally, and emotionally healthy teachers for the good of children everywhere. Now that I think of it, this might be my new life's mission/purpose. By golly, everyone call Princeton and Kate Monster. I think I've found my purpose. And NO, I am not HIGH.

Flashback

I'm looking through my stuff from college and the last half of it, and I came across my notebooks from writing class. Wow, what a treat! It's really hard believing I was this idealistic back then in my "college days." It's actually good I came across them because it's a good reminder of why I started doing what I'm doing, and they have a whole new meaning now that I've been through the ideal that I've been through with teaching and everything. I was less angry, if you can believe that. I was more excited about it too. Still, the idea comes up that I was only excited about the IDEA of teaching and having my own class. In reality, I enjoy doing what I'm doing now I whole lot more than I enjoyed teaching, so maybe that's just where I am and where I need to be right now. I will bring these notebooks back to Minneapolis with me and try to use some of these ideas in my new teaching situation. Like hte following, from my Writing Workshop book. I must have written this quote down for a reason? Right?

"If you teach kids nothing about writing all year, teach them how to re-read their writing." --the Writer's Workshop Book

And a thought I wrote down after leading a couple of WWs.

"I have not been telling my students to re-read their writing, but that's only because of time constraints. It seems like by the time they get their ideas down, its time to move on with the day." --Me

All reasons I wanted my own classroom so badly. But when I got my own classroom, I fell completely to peices. Now I enjoy NOT having my own classroom and just doing pull-out writing/reading mini-lessons.

All of these thoughts do lead to the main question that this post was leading up to...ready for it?

WHERE DO I BELONG in the teaching world?

If you can answer that, you will earn my eternal love and devotion. Because I have no money to give right now.

Just a fun camp song...

that is pretty appropriate as of late. (Sing it to the tune of Moon River and you'll be laughing out loud in no time at all. Don't worry, no one is judging you for singing out loud to yourself. Have fun with it!

Chopped Liver, onions on the side
my social life has died, from me
my friends shun me, they out-run me,
the smell of my breath, is slow death, sad but true
My odors' twice as bad as beer,
and people who drink beer agree,
I know that my breath will not end,
always I'll offend, my halitosis friends
Chopped liver, in me.

I'm taking a true risk here..

...and might delete this shortly after I post this, but I was feeling vulnerable that night and thought I needed to let off some steam. I'm just not sure the whole world needs to see it. Here goes; comments welcome.

December 22, 2007

I never realized how much I rely on others for support and kind words of support until today, really. I do know I've always felt good when others have told me how much I rock, but I was told today that I am the other half of two of the teachers I work with at school. As great as it made me feel to know this and to know that I'd been supporting people and they actually recognize this and appreciate it, I do have to say, if I'm one half of two people, where is the part for me?

Both halves of me are going to two people, so what am I lacking? Me time? Time to support myself? Why do I do this in every work and personal life situtation I enter? Is it self-esteem? Do I really think I suck that badly to martyr myself out so badly to every person I meet?

I really have to start thinking this way, don't I? I really have to start creating time for myself. I really have to start making myself a priority. New Year's Resolution anyone? I love New Year's Resolutions! No, actually, I hate them. But they are quite necessary, and the first of the year (particularly being my birth month) is a good time to start. I can't say that no longer will I be a slave to anyone else. For I thrive on being of service to those arround. Perhaps that is why I joined a National Service Program?

I'm asking a lot of questions here, and I don't expect answers right away. I begin my 26th year in two weeks. I propose a toast to me. Whitney Houston said it first (though maybe not best?) when she said "I've found the Greatest Love of All inside of me..." and I think there is an element of truth to the fact that the the greatest love of all is indeed learning to love oneself. I propose that my 26th year is a year I commit to that love, or the persuit of it at least. Geez, it's about time, isn't it?

I'm listening to the song now. It's really quite meaningful to my situtation now, please don't laugh. But "Let the children't laughter remind us of how we used to be..."

I am a teacher dangit. I need to take some cues from children and learning to be a little more carefree. Less self-conscious, less self-aware. My self-awareness is my greatest gift and my greatest curse at times.

and "Everyone searching for a hero, people need someone to look up to..."

I've been doing this with teachers from the time I was ten. Teachers modeled for me what I was supposed to be like. But I fear I transposed the the role to be like, and sometimes I try to be them, and get discouraged when I can't be them. How silly is that?

Of course I can't be them! I look up to them, even the teachers I work with now, but they certainly aren't better than me, and I need to learn to focus on that a little more. I am beautiful alone, by myself, and just me. I can be LIKE whomever I feel like being LIKE, but I must stop there and not try to BECOME anyone else but the me I want to be.

In short, I'm going to try to love life a little more. Enjoy myself in the presence of others. Heck, I would like to become the LEADING LADY of my own life, instead of the best friend in the movie version of my life.

26, 2008. New me. No, not a new me, just a better me. Just me.

Another blast from the past...

As I browse back through my google documents, I was looking at some of my old journal entries from the beginning of NCCC. I thought I'd post it here.

7/12/06
2:55 p.m.

Today was another long day of in-processing bullshit. We got our uniforms in the morning, and we moved swiftly through the in-processing checklist to travel reimbursements to banking to lunch and ID badges. Half of the morning stuff I didn’t need, so I just kinda sat there while others talked, which I did all of yesterday as well sorta came to the conclusion that people like to hear themselves talk just for the sake of talking. I’m in my room now, for a brief couple of hours, until we have to go back to the 202 building for boot sizing at 4:30. I’m totally stoked we get to wear steel-toed work boots. I’ e never done anything where they were a requirement before, so of course I’m going to be stoked.

Getting to know my team a little better as well. This could potentially be a very good experience. I have a feeling that there will be 1 or 2 (probably girls) that I will end up being close to and the others will just be there. I know I am a person that takes a while before I warm up to everyone and right now I’m falling into my “quiet girl” mode. I want to break out of that role badly, but I know it will take some time. So far everyone is really nice. I also know that tonight after boot sizing we’re off to some “group bonding” activity Maggie has planned for us. Sounds interesting in theory, but I know I’ll probably end up putting my emotional guard up and not share anything. It’s probably going to be one of those group initiative thing that I hate any way. Who knows? We shall find out later.

I suppose I can go and list my team members and first impressions now. Maybe in ten months I can go back and reassess, because they will, most likely, will have changed.

Our team leader Maggie seems really sweet and excited to be here. Really excited and enthusiastic, though I’m wondering how long the façade will last. Certainly a person cannot keep things going for as long as ten months, without one gigantic happy pill. There has got to be an evil side to her, and I’m wondering when we will see it and how long it’ll last. Maggie also keeps saying how tired she is and how she hasn’t slept that much, but when ever we ask her a question she’s right on the ball, so I don’t get it. I totally trust her with my documents and paperwork, and believe she will be an amazing leader this year.

Interesting reading, now that I'm a year and a half removed from the whole situation.

To many...

decisions, resolutions, changes, year-end general cleaning up and maintenance to do. No, I don't want to go to grad school if I'm not truly sure it is what I want to do. But I don't want my two years worth of education award from AmeriCorps to go to waste either.

No, sitting home ALONE on a Saturday night does not usually lead to good thoughts about anything, particularly not such heady things as what my future will hold in three or four years from now. But I think, because that's what I do. I think and then I write. And it's not always coherent writing. But that's OK.

Do the JET Programme? Sure, I certainly know two people that have done it and loved every minute of it. And I certainly know someone in Japan too! It might be cool to be close to my long time pen pal again. But it's such a risk! I can do it, and there shouldn't be anything to loose there, and it would be quite the experience.

I need to gather more information.

That's the bottom line here people. More information needed.

The first ninety days

I'm posting something someone at work e-mailed me a while back that I just got around to reading, because it is insanely interesting. I'll comment on it when others do. I agree with parts of this article, other parts I do not agree with. Let me know your thoughts. I'll chime in with more later.

Here's the article, courtesy of
http://www.randsinrepose.com/archives/2007/01/03/ninety_days.html

Ninety Days

When you accept a new job, you don't know who you are going to work with, what you are going to be doing, and how much (or little) you're going to like it. Call everyone you want. Ask their opinions. Trust the fact that a good friend referred you for the gig. Revel in the idea that the company has a good pedigree, but don't delude yourself that in a smattering of interview hours that you're going to have anything more than a vague hint of your new life.

Try this. Tell me about your best friend. Give me a bulleted list of five noteworthy things you think I should know about your best friend. Got it? Read it out loud. Does this do justice to your best friend? I hear you when you say, "He'd do anything for me", but why is that? Why is he protective of you? What's the story behind the bullet? That's what I want to know.

Each person in your new team has a story they want to tell you and it's never a bulleted list. Some are going to freely give this story whereas others will carefully protect the fact they even have a story, but until each person you need to work with has shared this story with you (and vice versa), the interview isn't over. The jury is out and you won't know if this new job that you've begun is actually your job.

Deliberation

Your first job is to relax. Like the first day of school, you're going to overcompensate in your first day, your first week. Most people do not lay their clothes out the night before they go to work. You're doing this to calm yourself. Those clothes neatly laid out at the end of your bed are a visual reminder that you have control over this thing that you can't control.

Relax. There's an industry standard regarding the amount of time it takes to make a hire and it's ninety days. New managers hate when I tell them this because they're so giddy they've got a new requisition and BOY WATCH HOW FAST I CAN HIRE. Yes, yes. I appreciate your velocity, but I'm not going to worry about your hire for ninety days.

This chunk of time applies to your new job as well. You've got ninety days — three months — to finish your job interview. Draw an a X on a calendar ninety days from now. Make it a physical act that reminds you to relax and to listen rather than fret about what you don't know. The new team isn't going to trust you until you stop laying out your clothes, until you stop being deliberate.

I know you've done this before: you've had five other jobs and you have well refined people assessment instincts. Except, well, they're biased. These instincts are based on where you've been and you have never been here before. My suggestion is that the less you trust your instincts, the more you'll learn about your new job and that's why I wrote you a ninety days list:

#1) Stay late. Show up early. You need a map of the people you work with and I find the best way to start scribbling this map is to understand people and their relation to the day. When do they get there? How long until they engage in what they do? Coffee run? Wait, no. Late arriver. Doesn't leave until he gets something done. Makes his coffee run at 4:30pm. Doesn't drink coffee? Really? Why? These long days of watching give you insight and they give you tools for understanding what each of your team members want.

#2) Accept every lunch invitation you get. People are stretching themselves for you the first few weeks you show up. They're going to go out of their way to include you and no matter who they are, you've got to take the time to reciprocate. The lunch invite from that guy in the group you pretty sure you'll never interact with will result in stories and you have a stunning lack of stories right now.

#3) Always ask about acronyms. It's great that we're all speaking English, but why is it that you're sitting in your first staff meeting and not understanding a word? It's because every team develops acronyms, metaphors, and clever ways to describing their uniqueness which you must understand. Cracking the language nut is absolutely essential to assessing the hand you've been dealt and you're going to need to ask a couple of times.

#4) Say something really stupid. Good news, you're going to do this whether it's on this list or not. I'm saying it's ok. This stupid thing that you're going to say is going to demonstrate your nascent engagement in your job and when they stop giggling, the team is going to know you're desperately trying to figure it all out.

#5) Have a drink. Similar to the lunch task, but more valuable. No barrier is crossed when someone invites you to lunch, but when you get the drink invite, someone is saying, "C'mon. Let's go try a different version of honesty." Stories are revealed over drinks, not lunch.

Warning: the next three on the list are at the bottom for a reason. These are advanced moves that you don't want to attempt until you've built some confidence that if they go horribly wrong, you have some confidence that you won't permanently damage your still developing reputation. Read on.

#6) Tell someone what to do. Everything above this list is about listening and this task involves you saying something. More importantly, it involves you telling someone what to do. I don't know who you are telling or what you're saying, but the goal is to exert your influence, to test your influence. More importantly, to test your knowledge of the organization and see if this thing you have to say is true. Telling is the sound of your instincts aligning to this particular organization and this thing you are saying is your first bit of inspiration. Trust it. Tell the right person and realize that everyone was waiting for you to say it.

#7) Have an argument. This is the riskiest item on the list, but potentially the most revealing. There's a good chance when you pull a #6 that this is going to happen anyway. Again, what you are willing to argue about and who is going to be on the other side of the argument is a function of your situation. What you want to understand is how does the organization value conflict? Is it ok that you're digging your heels in? Do others engage in the argument? Who swoops in to save the day? Can these people argue without losing their shit? Does this team argue out in the open or do they use devious passive aggressive subtlety?

You're going to learn two valuable things during this professional battle. First, how does this group of people make a decision? Second, you're going to have a better taste of their passion and their velocity.

#8) Find your inner circle. In your arguments, lunches, drinks, and late nights, you're going to find kindred spirits. This is the short list of people who share your instincts. These are the ones who complete your sentences and they know your stories. These are the ones who welcome the argument because they know great decisions are made by many. Your inner circle is not exclusive because you'll go nowhere drawing relationship boundaries among the team. This is the list of people with whom you share your raw inspiration and your stories because you know they'll gleefully help refine them.

The discovery of your inner circle won't happen until time has passed. You'll instinctively be attracted to people who feel comfortable, who feel right, but they can't be in the inner circle until they've passed the test of time. They've got pass through the ninety day list a few times before you've heard enough stories to let them in.

Finishing the Interview

It's not just that you forgot to ask key questions during your initial interview process; it's that the person that you were walking into that interview isn't who you are. You're a resume, you're a referral, and you're a reputation.

Your job interview isn't over until you've asked all the questions and heard all of the stories.

Your job interview isn't over until you understand the unique structure that has formed around this particular group of people. It's not just the organizational chart, it's the intricate personalities which have settled into a comfortable, complex, communication structure.

Your job interview isn't over until you have a framework for how you are going interact with these people and that means understanding not only their goals, but also their invaluable personal quirks. What they tell you the first week has more to do with the fact that you're new than what they actually feel. What they tell you after ninety days is the truth.

Your job interview isn't over until you've changed to become part of a new team.

Happy New Year.