Tuesday, December 25, 2007

I'm taking a true risk here..

...and might delete this shortly after I post this, but I was feeling vulnerable that night and thought I needed to let off some steam. I'm just not sure the whole world needs to see it. Here goes; comments welcome.

December 22, 2007

I never realized how much I rely on others for support and kind words of support until today, really. I do know I've always felt good when others have told me how much I rock, but I was told today that I am the other half of two of the teachers I work with at school. As great as it made me feel to know this and to know that I'd been supporting people and they actually recognize this and appreciate it, I do have to say, if I'm one half of two people, where is the part for me?

Both halves of me are going to two people, so what am I lacking? Me time? Time to support myself? Why do I do this in every work and personal life situtation I enter? Is it self-esteem? Do I really think I suck that badly to martyr myself out so badly to every person I meet?

I really have to start thinking this way, don't I? I really have to start creating time for myself. I really have to start making myself a priority. New Year's Resolution anyone? I love New Year's Resolutions! No, actually, I hate them. But they are quite necessary, and the first of the year (particularly being my birth month) is a good time to start. I can't say that no longer will I be a slave to anyone else. For I thrive on being of service to those arround. Perhaps that is why I joined a National Service Program?

I'm asking a lot of questions here, and I don't expect answers right away. I begin my 26th year in two weeks. I propose a toast to me. Whitney Houston said it first (though maybe not best?) when she said "I've found the Greatest Love of All inside of me..." and I think there is an element of truth to the fact that the the greatest love of all is indeed learning to love oneself. I propose that my 26th year is a year I commit to that love, or the persuit of it at least. Geez, it's about time, isn't it?

I'm listening to the song now. It's really quite meaningful to my situtation now, please don't laugh. But "Let the children't laughter remind us of how we used to be..."

I am a teacher dangit. I need to take some cues from children and learning to be a little more carefree. Less self-conscious, less self-aware. My self-awareness is my greatest gift and my greatest curse at times.

and "Everyone searching for a hero, people need someone to look up to..."

I've been doing this with teachers from the time I was ten. Teachers modeled for me what I was supposed to be like. But I fear I transposed the the role to be like, and sometimes I try to be them, and get discouraged when I can't be them. How silly is that?

Of course I can't be them! I look up to them, even the teachers I work with now, but they certainly aren't better than me, and I need to learn to focus on that a little more. I am beautiful alone, by myself, and just me. I can be LIKE whomever I feel like being LIKE, but I must stop there and not try to BECOME anyone else but the me I want to be.

In short, I'm going to try to love life a little more. Enjoy myself in the presence of others. Heck, I would like to become the LEADING LADY of my own life, instead of the best friend in the movie version of my life.

26, 2008. New me. No, not a new me, just a better me. Just me.
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